wife wants her space, doesnt know who she is

[25yearsmlc]

I have not finished reading your whole thread but wanted to react to this post of yours.....

Thanks for the advise! Its nice to have some sort of help through this.

I'm realizing I am having a horrible time with the patience Part. with me not having a job right now all I've Got is my mind all day, and my mind tends to sit there and think how bad I want my family back, especially when I have my S5 talking about his mommy all day. like yesterday my wife called me to ask if she can have the kids a little early so she could take my S5 to a movie.

Stop THINKING about a job and GET ONE...you need it for at least 4 reasons, First you need it financially, you need it maritally, you need it mentally and you need it so you don't just SIT THERE and dawdle, which is a lot of what she has been seeing you do for years.


I could be wrong but you SEEM to choose the course of action that is easiest for you. I know it's NOT "easy" but the action plan that requires the least action on your end...

like going to the LRT when you have not done other things FIRST sort of contradicts the point of LRT which is a LAST RESORT...but you went to the "i'll just back off and do nothing and see what happens"

when to ME, it seems your w has wanted you to help LEAD your family, You sound like a guy who is just out of high school who likes to play video games and party and goes to work just enough to pay some bills...but sometimes not even that...

and SHE is working and raising the kids and doing the housework OR SHE WAS at least...

that's what she saw. I don't see that much "alien spew" from her so much as pleading with you to "Get it"...

I see hope in your sitch on HER end but fear you aren't going to grow up fast enough for her.

I'm Sorry for that 2 x 4 but I can't think of another way to say it.




I agree to let her have him because my son really wanted to see wreck it Ralph, when she walked through the door she told my son that he was going to see a movie with her and he got really excited and came up to me and said daddy daddy do you want to come with.

SIDENOTE---PLEASE BREAK UP YOUR POSTS INTO SMALLER PARAGRAPHS b/c it's easier to read for us...



I would have loved to go. Or like the other day he asked when mommy was going to be home and I said later today when she's off work and he was like YAY do I get mommy and daddy tonight! it's things like that that really gets me down because I have always been the family dad who loves spending time with his family, I want this to be over with right now.

but you have to work on YOU first, before you can just "want it to be over now"...why wouldn't it just happen again if you have not grown into the man you want to become?

Use this time wisely. Work on you b/c you are the only person here whom you can control

And I want this DBing to work magic. So patients is hard for me I'm really trying to work on it. But ill look at people on here who are still going through the motions 10 months later and I sit here and think "wow how am I going to deal with this for that long"

All you have to do is today's Dbing...don't look too far ahead. IT becomes overwhelming.


another thing that won't let my mind shut off is that fact of the holidays coming up. on Thanksgiving and Christmas we have always gone to both our families gatherings. so the fact that on Thanksgiving I'm only going to mine is really tearing me apart expescially because I love her family. and we normally do Christmas lights on the house and decorate inside the house together and I'm sitting here thinking about that.

PLan and DO some things you want to do. Make it happen. You're the father of these children so stop acting helpless. Your wife wants to be married to a man, not a man/boy.



I really want this to be settled before Christmas it's almost like a goal of mine.

get a grip. This will NOT be "Settled" before Christmas unless you mean separating and divorcing. Good grief...come on, you are acting like a silly youth. You are a father. Get some stamina in there.

Your GOAL is to get through Christmas and to give your kids some good memories of the holidays...it also gives your w something to miss & remember later on and reflect upon, and to allow other good memories to resurface....

Become a man only a fool would leave. THAT ought to be your real goal.

IMO, Then, no matter what she does, you're a better person for this.



but I'm really trying to tell myself day by day... trying to tell myself to not think of what she is doing or where she is. I feel like I'm a heroin addict trying to come off of heroin only she is my heroin... it's like I'm withdrawing from her. I know that screams codependency


yes it does scream of it. So does marrying the only girl you ever dated...but it's too late for that issue to be visited now. Are YOU in counselling yet?


but we have been together for so long and had kids at such a young age our entire adult life has been raising the kids together with each other. so introducing the fact of getting a life by myself is very hard for me.

life can be hard and this time of your life IS indeed hard. But you still have to man up and do it. When I say "GAL" I mean to JOIN something or take a class or advance yourself in some way. You will NOT be by yourself, just not with your w all the time.

You'll bring more to the table by having other interests and hobbies instead of merely hovering around her and sucking out HER life energy to keep you going. She's more like your blood supply but she needs her own blood and you must make your own.


she is doing so well at not being with me its like she is so content in out doing your own thing and loving it, Friday she went and got her hair done and went dress shopping for a end of the year work party.

would those events ever have been fun for YOU? I cannot imagine having my h with me for my hair (that's girl time) and so is dress shopping.
YOU MUST GAL ASAP...

While living in the interior of Alaska, and having HARSH winters like you would not believe, I did the following GAL AND btw, I had a newborn...

I joined a writer's group. Met interesting smart folks.

I auditioned for local community theater. Meet cool fun people.

I did stand up comedy. I made people laugh and now I do it semi professionally.

I volunteered to work at a women's shelter. Learned gratitude.

I did PTA stuff with the older kids' school. Bonded with my kids & helped a good cause.

I learned how to cross country ski and to shoot well and to deep sea fish.

I got my pilot's license. Fascinating.

I took a Conversational French class and an Italian cooking class. Stretched my brain and can cook some GREAT dishes.

I worked out and got into great shape. LOOKED my best and felt better.

I saw a therapist and for awhile, I took some anti-depressants to stop the obessing and to get a grip on the 22 hours of darkness those days.

Got some coping skills.

I hope this^^ gives you some ideas...get more creative. Push yourself MUCH MORE than you have been.

And btw, almost all of the things I did, cost little to nothing.

she sent me a picture of her hair and she looked absolutely beautiful.

That's great! DId you compliment her? I sure hope so. What are her love languages? Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman? it's a good book for all couples. I highly recommend it, after you've read the Div Remedy book but please finish reading it!


I sit here and think I wish I could make her have those thoughts about me. Sorry to ramble this kind of turned into a venting session