W filed, I think we can make it work - what to do?

[Spartan]

Wow, thanks for the constructive criticism . I mean it, sometimes I need a swift kick to the backside.

I came back here to say I'm still around and trying to make it work even with the couple day back slide. Maybe the backslide is what I needed because the last few days I've really DB'd. I know it likely ruined any good that I did the previous couple weeks though. I feel almost indifferent to her right now and have no desire to talk about R or how she's feeling or what she's doing. I've also embraced the GAL and over last weekend went hunting twice, went to dinner with buddy, and saw a movie. My kids and I are still having a blast. We've always been close but now it just seems like it's on a new level of fun. I don't get it???

W and I did talk a little yesterday (she initiated it) and decided that neither of us are moving out before the house sells and we wouldn't put it on market until after holidays. We also decided to not tell the kids until we need to which will be sometime next year. FWIW, at start of conversation, before we decided not to tell them now, I told her we shouldn't go into any details about other person and if asked we could BOTH tell them about our issues/ reasons in our own words. I told her if asked I would tell them that I didn't treat their mom as good as I should have, I didn't build her up, and I didn't give her freedom (some toned down age appropriate version of that). I'm pretty open with kids and I'd have no issue knocking myself off the pedestal a little and telling them their dad isn't perfect. When I'm not angry venting on here believe me that I want no harm to come to my W's relationship with our kids and when rubber hits the road I wouldn't do anything to hurt that. In fact through this process my 7 year old has been making comments about why mom isn't around as much or why she's not being as nice to them and I've been defending my W and building her up. And before I get yelled at for that it was always my D bringing it up, I never talk down about my W with the kids. My guess is they'll be surprised when I tell them I haven't treated mom good because that's not what they see and I think my W would agree to that if she were on here. We've rarely had disagreements while kids were around and I'm guessing they'll be in complete shock. They think we're the perfect church going family .

25yearsmic - I've said numerous times I admit my pride is an issue and I am working on it. Believe me I know I screwed up when I initially confronted her. I was really hurting that day because she blatantly lied about it that morning and there are a lot of unresolved issues like that from our past. I know I need to stop worrying about it and give her space to figure her things out and for the most part I've tried, minus the couple incidents on here which I deeply regret... I also do know a big part of her doing things is my fault for how I reacted/ treated her in the past and I'm trying to make changes in my life to limit those occurrences. I'm also truly trying to forgive her and I know very well what the Bible says about forgiving. Most everyone that knows the situation, many friends of my wife, have privately commented to me that I've been an inspiration to them in their walk and they aren't sure they could do what I've been doing and they are seeing the situation first hand. I know I'm no saint and don't really feel like an inspiration. Believe me, I take full responsibility for my actions and it kills me that I still screw up. With that I'd be lying if I said it's not hard staying the course when she has never shown any remorse or admitted to doing anything wrong. She's never forgiven me for anything I've done and repeatedly brings up the past and points out my issues. I know I have to stop thinking that way but it can be tough, especially with all the added stress of the situation. I just read some of my posts and you guys get mostly the venting on here, the majority of the time I'm working on my own stuff and she's doing her thing. I just need to make the 'majority of the time' the 'all the time'...

I'm also keeping a journal and I already don't believe some of the things I've written just a few weeks ago. I can believe that 5 years from now that a lot of it will sound like BS so I get your point on what she wrote. I'm done snooping!

I don't remember what I wrote regarding housework but it sounds like I didn't say it correctly. I've never done less then 50% with average probably around 66% and many weeks when her illness flared up I was doing all of it, including everything for kids (her illness has good times and bad times, thankfully more good over last year). Most of the time I was fine doing it but I admit to sometimes feeling sorry for myself because she rarely said thanks or showed appreciation. I never said anything but I'm sure my body language told the story which I regret. What I meant by the 'now doing half' comment was that one of her love languages is acts of service so my initial reaction to her filing is I needed to start doing even more around the house without being asked (stupid little things that she would need to remind me to do I started just doing) and I was planning to stop that and only do "50%". To tell the truth I didn't really change anything though, the little things are so easy to do I just kept doing them. I also still do meals 4-5 days a week and do most the clean-up everyday. I've found that I now want to help out and I haven't felt sorry for myself and I'm not looking for gratitude.

I've started to read 'Courage to Trust' because trust, like love, is a choice. It doesn't come natural to me and I know it's something I struggle with and must improve on for either this or my next relationship. A lot of our issues have been rooted in both our trust issues from our pasts. I can't make her trust me but as someone on here said I can make the choice to start the journey to trusting her.

I know I kind of defended myself a little but I am truly grateful for the feedback and sometimes tough love . I'm also not giving up. I have at least 142 days left until the divorce can be final, longer if I can stall it. I'll work on myself and pray.