MKB: when i said maybe i was wanting permission to stop standing. i think i meant, i can't make the decision (tear in eye) until i know that he wants to give up (yeah i know his actions say that but then he comes back?)
Tori: yes the tears come and go. Fine at work but cried in car alittle on the way home. And crying a bit now. I am blaming my Self. I got all wobbly after the kiss and chased him. I don't know if things would be different now if I hadn't. This is the pattern since he moved out and it crucifies me emotionally. His behaviour was no different before the date - i just wanted more - i should have been cooler. And now he's caving - as soon as he feels he has done something wrong, he vanishes.
Linz: Thanks for your words. I will practice putting what I want "out there" and allow whatever happens to deliver it.
Journalling Nothing from H and some moments it's fine and others it isn't. I am back where i was when i joined the board in September and I had come such a long way from sadness and desperation. So far this year "caving" has occurred FEB,JUN,JUL,SEP,NOV. I wonder how this stress is manifesting in my body?
I don't know why I can't close the door and move on. Wendylon is right - it's the things he doesn't do that hurt me the most. And it's those things that Tumbling needs - i need regular contact /time w my husband - and when I don't get them i freak out.
I am really cross w my Self for not listening to everyone here and continuing to pursue/initiate. Here I am blaming my Self again.
I so need to get back to my happy place. I also want to be ready if he contacts me - good morning Tumbling Punkydo - ! So far I have drafted the following replies
1) whatever - said like this "what-evaaaaaaa" 2) if that's all you've got to offer, i think i'll pass 3) No replies to start with and if he persists - If you want to be in my life, commit to acting like a husband. Otherwise please leave me alone. Your choice"
What do you think?
I know it's about time I took a stand for my Self and walk on. In the meantime, I'll sit on the blanket
Headstate - abit sad but ok