Do I Have a Chance?

[complicated]

Hi Kat yes I am still here. This weekend I went out of town certain that H was mad that I went. I acted like I didn't care and went and I'm glad I was there for D18. They lost their big game and I know she was upset but probably glad I was there for her. She flew back with the team and I flew back on my own. H drove 3 hours to school to pick her up for the holiday. I offered to go with him if he wanted (he was going to be driving late at night and has fallen asleep at the wheel before) but I said I understood if he wanted to be alone. He chose to go by himself. I am trying really hard to give him space.

H acting nicer. I have been doing real good with no contact and have continued with the 180's. I did contact him regarding a conversation with D15 who thinks we should buy her whatever she wants and with Christmas just about a month away. H has always been more than generous with buying them whatever they want. I want them to show more respect and help us and good things will come. D15, the one who lives at home is the only one right now that thinks we owe her everything and I suspect it is her way of dealing with the hurt. I don't really know. I told him I am more than happy to discuss just what he feels we as parents are responsible for and what should be a gift. Told him that I will wait until he is ready to discuss. For me this is a 180 because normally I would trying to get this talked out ASAP and would argue until it was done.

We also had some floors refinished and though I was very happy with them he would have liked them with a little more sheen. Since I am the one living in the house and I had to arrange for the furniture moving and I am the one living in the mess I was pretty proud of myself by saying I'll call them and have them change it if you're not happy because it really doesn't matter to me. I said it's not worth fighting over. I really do mean I'm tired of fighting over stupid stuff like the house which in the big picture is not worth it. Before, I would have fought to get my way. I think he has noticed these things. I have also just let him leave instead of before saying why don't you hang around a while. I said goodbye and smiled but did not give him a kiss which I had been doing.

I am also doing things that make me happy and that is how I explained my trip. It is a change to do these things and it takes "thinking" to do because it is not my normal way of thinking. But I do see value in it, for both of us.

On the MC front I had told her I didn't think we were getting anywhere. She wants us to come together next visit and have a "taking stock" appointment. Take a look at where we are and where we want to go. I had gotten to the point where I thought this was a "cheeseless tunnel" too. I am going to tell her that I want to set some goals. I wish I would have read DR a long time ago because I feel like I wouldn't have wasted so much time.

So, I kind of feel like I have made maybe some really, really tiny steps since I have started implementing some DB and DR techniques and to be honest I feel like I am a better person because of it. But, I also feel like I have only really been at it maybe 3-4 weeks. We have been married 25 years so I think it may take a while. The D word has not come up in a long, long time so I think that is a positive. Don't know if it will come up in our joint counseling session - I certainly hope not! I'm still seriously thinking of the DB coach. Just haven't pulled the trigger yet.

For some reason I can't get the signature to work. It keeps saying it is too long. I'll keep working on that.

Thanks everyone for your advice. As someone new to this I really value other's opinions of what has worked and what is way off base.