I can't help, maybe it's my own stage I'm going through, but think that this is never going to be enough for me, or even slightly what I want in a R. I won't go back, can't stay here like this, and see no sign of a future that fits my needs.
hiya- don't know if I already "seconded" this motion. i am in a wierd little place myself. can't "see" the future- don't look forward to it- don't hate the thought tho either.
don't wanna be alone- can't imagine someone else- BUT can't imagine h either. (wtf?
grosses me out to think of him seeing ow- sneaking calls, etc.- i'm sure (possibly) my imagination is worse by far than reality- i know, i kn ow, shut that brain up - trying like mad. successful most of the time- not allllll tho. slept terrible last two nites- always bad news - sleep deprived me.
good thing i'm not a spy- i'd spill my guts in two seconds after only four or five hrs sleep. nnotthing seems important anymore when i'm not well-rested.
anyway- soooo, what the heck is our plan here??? like the way i'm glomming in on you? soooo- i assume we continue to become emotionally and intellectually "fortified" here and continue dbing til we wake up with a huge DIRECTION in our mind.
i'm amazed every single day i'm here and i'm in less pain and still not totally clear on wtf is going on with me - him - and r .... makes me wonder how long people can and do live like this- limbo land.
a neighbor up in nj got telling me her own life story one day (oiy) and she commented that she doesn't know any married people anymore that are happy. geeeez - isn't that dreary to think???
i think i have a few friends and they seem happy together - on the w hole. my three chums up there- all married - all hangign in there. i don't know- look okay to me. they're just average folks- none of this gotta be young- gotta wear a thong - gotta have tons of bread - m.o. like here in ft.lauderdale. what a pit- what a societal outlook down here. it's downright depressing.
oh well huh? i'm not too sharp today- oh yeah- the ow calling you- what the????? the whole holiday thing- how tough. isn't it wierd the way we attach sooooo much importance to a lousy holiday and it seems soooo worse to be blue on that darn day- when all the darn days are junky- but somehow this expectation of warm and cozy and family makes it seem sooooo crucial.
i always hated it when people said "it's just another day" - sadly- today i kind of feel like that. last year was sooooo bad- fog central. this year could only be a step up- i still feel dread tho- like something awful is pending- the other shoe dropping-
keep thinking he'll have to go see ow - i'll either know adn be mad as hell or not know and speculate and be mad as hell- i kn ow- i shouldn't imagine things- but much like the dog knowing something is "up" when master is going on vacation.
my spidey sense is picking up something. i hate this- but i'll forgo the rant. wish me luck and nothing dramatic. i am priming myself to keep my lips shut- i swear- i hopei can. good ole tsq and his stfu - i know- i should write it allover my arms so i'm sure to remember- i want to have reminders - but don't want anything in the universe around here for h to see.
oh well- hope you are preparing and going to have a good one. it will be fine- it will be fine - it will be fine- i'm sending good vibes out there for everyone &b you & me too.
