I think my H is deserving of forgiveness. I want to forgive so badly, but that hurt still holds me back. Last winter, a part of me did want him to hurt as badly as I did. I don't feel that way anymore. I know that being unable to completely forgive hurts me just as much, when I feel desperate to not hurt over this anymore.
Hope I make sense here.
Things are going so well for us, it's like I'm afraid the bottom will drop out at any time. Another day goes by, another month, and things are still good. There's still that nagging feeling inside that at any time the rug will be pulled out from beneath me. I don't know how to make that feeling go away.
I think in any situation the botom cna drop out at any time, and thats part of what we learn here. Learn to appreciate where you are at, work on yourself, know that nowbody ever knows what the future holds. remember, todays actions determines what happens tomorrow in many cases. What J3B says that you are letting it stop rebuilding and growth is so true!
Accept it that things have changed because you can never take away the knowledge, but move on and look on it as a learning experience. I always think that these things happen for a reason.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling mad at the thought of OW, when suddenly, the thought popped in my head that if not for what has happened, I would still be doing stuff that I didn;t know H was getting aggravated. I would never have learned about DB, and would not have gotten closer to God. I would not have learned about how to deal with my D, and in general, stopped to look closely into myself.
My anger disappeared and I thought about how we don't sometimes understand the ways of God. But once again I realized that whatever it is, it has resulted in a better me ( and actually, a better H as well!)
Have you thought about that? what good has this event brought to your life?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I have been having thoughts about leaving my husband. I don't know if I can live with it anymore. Why am I not getting any better inside? Why can't I forget the OW?
They never had a PA, they only sat together at work and talked, and went for one beer with a group of people. But it is the lies, the betrayal, and the fact that I just cannot get over this.
I don't know what to do. I have been in more therapy than he has. And I cannot find a way to trust him. The feeling has been growing over time, and it's getting stronger.
Our relationship has been closer than what we were, and he is putting in A LOT of effort and energy into us.
The other day I scared him. I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. And that living fear of the bottom dropping out makes me feeling like running. He could see what I was feeling, and he got on his knees and started to cry and beg me not to leave, and that he had made a bad mistake and was a fool, and that he can't lose me or our family.
I'm trying so hard to get through these feelings. I love him, I really do, but I don't know how to cope with what he has done to me sometimes.
I'm starting to feel anger coming out again, I feel depressed.
The counselor suggested medication. NO. No more medication. I spent the year taking xanax and I will not keep medicating myself. I want to deal with my feelings, and not numb myself. Medication is not going to help me trust my husband again.
I don't know how to work through this. I'm completely lost.
And it's not just what he did, he lied to me on a daily basis. He communicated with her in a hidden email account. He told me and my daughter to move back to another state with my mother. He wanted us erased, literally so he was free to do what he wanted. He carried a check list around of things to do to break away from us. He made her cd's with love songs, some were our songs we loved together and were our songs. I see her face, and I see him.
No, he didn't go, he stayed by his choice and has worked so hard the past year because he wants me forever, he says.
I'm so weary of living in fear of the bottom dropping out. I have done this since childhood, when my dad walked out on us. Now I feel, I live this way with my husband, and I don't want to anymore. He's trying to win my faith and trust back, and it seems the harder that he tries, the more I don't trust.
I feel damaged and broken inside. Not even a damn therapist seems to be helping me. Sometimes I feel I'm holding on to a thread that is very thin.
The other day I scared him. I told him that I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. And that living fear of the bottom dropping out makes me feeling like running. He could see what I was feeling, and he got on his knees and started to cry and beg me not to leave, and that he had made a bad mistake and was a fool, and that he can't lose me or our family.
Wow, the WAS becomes the LBS. It happens, but it always surprises me to see such a turn of events.
Originally Posted By: Ctflor
I feel damaged and broken inside. Not even a damn therapist seems to be helping me. Sometimes I feel I'm holding on to a thread that is very thin.
Then change therapists. If after a year you're still struggling with the same issues then your IC is worthless.
You are really blessed to have your spouse back. I know it doesn't feel that way to you, but there are a LOT of people here who would LOVE to be where you are. Not only is he back, but he's fully committed to you. You're afraid he might leave again, I totally understand. But why fear the unknown? You might as well fear that he may die in a car accident tomorrow, or contract a deadly disease. And if you leave him, then what? You hook up with someone else? Another person with their own set of problems that may dump you out of the blue one day? There are no guarantees in life. Make of it what you can. Enjoy what you have now and quit worrying about what tomorrow will bring. You'll likely never be the same as far as opening your heart up fully to him or anyone else, but that doesn't mean you can't still enjoy your marriage. You just need to choose to.
Hiya CT, I'm still a been DBer and thought i would peruse this section for a bit of extra hope for me / my sich. Anyways, after reading this and seeing where you are, Google Yvonne Dolan - Healing Letters. It's an exercise for victims of abuse. Maybe this can help some. Best of luck to you!
CTflor, I think it is really time for your to go to retrouvaille. Your problem is forgiveness, and its eating away at your soul.
Also go into the website about emotional affairs - its headed by a couple named Linda and Doug. There is so much there about healing after one, and a lot about forgiveness and moving on. So does the "Heroes Spouse" website, although I do find that hard to read.
Being vindictive, seeking revenge - we all experience that. So do I. I still think about what happened and I get mad. Almost every day, but I always switch my thinking consciously to other topics and look at the bright side. Pain is part of living, and I would rather this is my cross than something else....and I see worse things happening to people know and love. I have a best friend whose hubby had an affair, physically battered her and abandoned her with no work, 2 kids, and bills to pay. She presently has been able to get a protection from abuse order and managed to get child support and is living on that plus food stamps. My sister in law lost her only son to brain cancer. Her marriage is in shambles too because she is a compulsive gambler and ended up with around 100K in debt, and my BIL is just recovering from all the devastation. My other BIL is bipolar, has an affair, and my sister discovered last year that he hadn't paid taxes, suppliers, etc and owed around 250,000. She is now rollercoastering, in and out of depression after they had to sell their house and still there is not enough to cover their debts. These are all people close to me and I feel for them so badly...it makes me think.... I look at my situation - H is home, my D is doing well, financially we are stable, my temporary job pays well and I do have a chance of staying longer....and even if we still have our bumps (I will update my sitch when I have time) I get down on my knees and thank God that he is slowly leading us on the right path.
I do wish I could get to talk to you....If you go to retrouvaille we might have a chnasce of meeting. I (and the H) am now volunteering for the SF retrouvaille at certain times of the month, usually the first two weeks. Its been a life changer, goiung to retro....not all at once, but slowly....
Take care and pray to be able to forgive....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
