Escape from Hades

[trainthruhell]

I don't really know when I was brought aboard the train through hell, but this last 7 weeks have been the most painful in my life. It was a Sunday morning and my W came down into the kitchen and told me that it was over. She "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". She then left for the day so I could "think things over". But I am getting ahead of myself, so I'll try to start what I think may be the beginning and a little history.

I am 55 and my W is 49, we have been married for 24 years and have two children; a son in college and a daughter in high school. Most folks are fueled in life by a variety of motivators; emotion, intellectual pursuits, spirituality, ...., the list goes on. My W is fueled 100% by emotion, I have realized this ever since we met, it was one of the reasons I fell in love with her. Soon after our daughter was born my W was diagnosed with Bipolar disease. Two suicide attempts and a roller coaster ride through depression and mania, the disease was brought under control through some great doctors. There have been relapses but nothing like the first few years after our daughter was born. I can't say that through this I handled the entire situation with the understanding and compassion my W deserved, I had my moments (not knowing any better) but for the most part I was always there for her and took care of things. I never strayed, I kept my promise. As the kids got older life sort of became comfortable and I accepted the fact that there were a few things I always needed to take care of regarding the family. We had our issues but what marriage doesn't. I can honestly say that I have supported her throughout our marriage, all she has done or wants to do I am behind her.

I think this all started for my W back in early 2010, her father died, not unexpected, but a tragedy nonetheless. I think there were some unresolved issues between them, but its just a guess, she never brought them up, and I never thought to ask. I really didn't notice any change, she works, in fact she works very hard in a job she loves but with very little monetary rewards or appreciation from her superiors. She has the summers off, working only 10 months a year. So I figured business as usual. It wasn't until the early summer of 2011, right after my son graduated from high school and was off to college in the fall that the first bomb fell. She told me one day that she "loves me but is not in love with me anymore" and how unhappy she has been. She said that she doesn't know if she ever loved me. Call me dense but I had absolutely no clue. I was devastated. She wanted me to leave the house, and soon was looking for apartments for me to move into. Little did I know that the trip was just the beginning. I reacted with anger and defiance, not going to leave my home; I did nothing wrong. As it turned out, we were able to spend some time apart but kept the lines of communication open, talking frequently and we also both agreed to see a marriage counselor. I didn't have a clue that this may be MLC. That summer was a bit rocky but I believed that if I tried hard enough I could become the person she wanted. In the counseling sessions she mentioned that she felt being taken for granted, that I didn't do the "small things" anymore that make her feel special. I'll admit, guilty as charged, and I resolved that I would change. I did start doing the small things, and it helped that we both didn't like the formality of the counseling sessions and that seemed to bring us closer together. My son went off to college, My W was beginning a new "season" with her job and I thought that the routine would help. We were getting along better than in recent memory and I thought all the bad was behind us. Boy was I wrong......

Fall turned into Winter, we stared having date night every week or so, and talked more than we ever had in a long time. Christmas and New Year was wonderful, and I was looking forward to spending some more time with my W. Right after the New Year 2012, W wanted to explore her spiritual side and joined a Buddhist chanting group. They would get together 1 or 2 nights a week to chant and have a discussion after. I was fully supportive, she was happy participating, so I was all for it. (Authors Note: I am not a very religious person, never have been, but I feel that my moral compass has always been strong and my conscious has been my guide.) As January progressed I sensed she was becoming more distant but the differences were slight, and life always seems to get in the way, I figured it was just another bump in the marriage road. Boy was I wrong; early February she announces that she is moving out, she has a room in a house down the street that a friend of a friend will let her use. She then tells me that again; "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". She wants the family to go out to dinner that night and then spring the news to the kids when we get home. I was so shocked and confused, that is exactly what we did. However, when we arrived home, I told her she was on her own in telling the kids; her decision, her explanation. It was horrible. My son, confused, went back to college, and my daughter stayed with me in the house. W would come over in the mornings and in the evenings; it was basically just me and my daughter hanging out together. I had no clue. It was all I could do to keep myself, my home, and my kids together. W and I kept communication open, and in walks we had, she asked if I was happy. I said, all things taken into consideration, even with our history, I am, I have no regrets, I have and still am in love with you. I think it was during this event that all of my anger left me, I was filled with empathy for my W, because whatever she was struggling with didn't really have anything to do with me, she was fighting some inner demons. I resolved to stand by her and try my best to work things out as best I could. We decided to get a new therapist, both we were comfortable with, and try again. This train keeps going.....

We started seeing the therapist in mid-March, she was sill living away, but at least we seemed both committed to working on things (I still was wondering what they were). Our therapist had a prior planned vacation for all of April, and told us we would start up in the beginning of May. We agreed then a bit more weirdness started. One day in mid-April W calls me at work crying. She had stayed home that day and was chanting and had an emotional breakthrough. I was a bit worried so I left work and when I arrived home she came into my arms sobbing telling me that she "loves me so much". She couldn't stop crying and telling me this. She was talking about her father dying, and she wanted to give back to people not as fortunate as her and on and on. To tell the truth, I was more focused on the "I Love You" than anything else. I figured great, W is finally past this and we can get on with our lives and grow old together.

We continued to see the therapist, in fact we both looked forward to going, it was refreshing to talk about things in a safe place. We kept having our dates, Spring turned to Summer and things were going well; a getaway weekend in June, just the two of us. Family vacation with two other families we had been doing together for 20 years. In fact at dinner one night, W got up and announced that she felt that everyone there was part of her family. Heartfelt for sure. Text messages on my phone from W telling me she loves me, me understanding my feelings better in order to express myself a bit better, we were on our way. August rolls around and a person she worked with left to take another position in another state. W understood and had aspirations of reorganizing the department she worked in, have a bigger role, and revamp the programs to make them better. She only needed her boss to agree. We discussed this at length, over dinner, on walks, over the phone. I was fully supportive, even though I would see a bit less of her, if it made her happy, then I was behind her. She even wanted a raise for this extra responsibility. Sadly, it never materialized, her boss was against the idea and it never happened. I understood how disappointed she was and resolved to help in a new direction, if she wanted that. I suggested reaching out to another women that could be a mentor to her, she did and all seemed well. One door closes and another opens. At this time she was chanting even more, by herself, and with the group a few night a week. I was seeing a bit less of her and felt a bit of a distance growing, although the discussions with our therapist kept going well, so I thought she was preoccupied with the coming work season. September rolled around and I had an opportunity to go on a Canadian canoeing adventure for a week at the end of September. I asked W and after some rearranging of schedules she said it would be OK, she was actually excited for me. Then the train gets deeper into the Labyrinth

The week before I left W seemed more distant that usual, the therapist meeting didn't go to well. I just could put my finger on what was wrong. I felt something was amiss but I didn't know what. In fact all through the trip I knew something was wrong, not knowing exactly what it was, yet I was counting the days until the trip was over. Which bring me back to the present about 4 weeks ago on that Sunday. On that day, when she left for the day, she text-ed me and said she had a letter for me upstairs and that it was important I read it. It turned out it was a document from a lawyer requesting a Dissolution of the Marriage. That was the day half of me died. Our therapist, who is extremely experienced, was shocked as well. No one saw this coming. It was like my wife was only going through the motions of therapy, lying all the way.

I didn't know anything about Mid Life Crisis until I read some info from the Internet. Sad, sad stories. She seems to have many of the symptoms, in fact I call it the Perfect Storm: Mid Life Crisis, Bipolar ,and entering Menopause. She refuses to see the Therapist anymore, no reason. Can't give me a specific reason why she wants out. She seems to be looking for something, it may not exist. We still live in the same house which is a bit weird, but I need to be here for my daughter who is a bit confused to say the least. She is pressing me to get together so we can split the assets, and go through a mediator. I am trying to keep it together practicing "tender compassion". One thing I believe, this has nothing to do with me or the marriage, it is inside of her. This person is not my wife, I don't know what happened to her, but I hope someday she comes back.

Recently she is having problems at work and may be fired. Every day is like a new story that no one wants to live in.

In the meantime I am doing what everyone say to do...
1. Taking care of myself. I am seeing the same marriage therapist, only one on one. The advantage is she knows both of us.
2. Taking care of my kids, being here for my daughter, and talking with my son. I love them both.
3. Keeping busy; Habitat for Humanity, and coaching Soccer again
4. Reaching out to friends, they have been nothing short of amazing.
5. Dealing with the emotional funeral going on in my head.

In conclusion, my anger and bitterness, while still there, have been becoming very small and are overtaken by sadness and empathy for my wife. Her inner demons are far worst than I can imagine. I can only stand by and watch. As for the marriage, with the information I had, the inner tools I possessed, I did the very best I could. I kept my promise to God, Our families, and all that was in the church that day. The quote from Timothy comes to mind: "I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith". I get up every day know and say: "This is going to be a good day". The analogy my therapist and I have come up with is this; My W and I are in a the big ocean of life with no land or ships around. She is treading water, very confident that she is doing well. I have a life jacket on, and am holding an extra one that I wish I can give to her, in fact, in pains me that I can't since she will not, under any circumstances accept it. So I just float around watching her slowly drown day by day. The ride continues....

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone, it has for me.