I'll tell you, DM, your W sounds very much like mine did. Alarmingly so, actually. You're doing the right thing - listen and validate. Don't place yourself in a situation where you feel like you are suddenly defending yourself or, worse yet, escalating.
It was very, very, very hard for me to do this - and it took some time, but I think I am "there" and I think you can get there as well.
It goes against our base instincts to be criticized and not rush to our own defense, but what I learned over the last year is that defense = invalidation. THAT, sadly, just digs you deeper into the mud. I am still working on the finer points, but I think you see the larger picture here.
Lasting change takes time to build, and it will take even more time for your wife to believe. So whatever you do, bring a healthy dose of patience...and when that runs out, go get some more. You're going to need it. My now XW tells me a lot that she sees change...positive change in me, but does really "know" or trust it yet - and her fear of getting back into a relationship with me that would look like the one she was in is tremendous. Let me say that again for the sake of emphasis -
HER FEAR OF GETTING BACK INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME THAT LOOKS LIKE OUR OLD ONE IS TREMENDOUS.
THAT ^^^^^ is something I think your w is passively trying to tell you. Ergo, you should really listen and be senstive to it. Don't try to sell yourself to her - just continue to work on change and hope that she believes over time. And time is what it will take DM. If my W would have come back quickly my changes would not have lasted. I know you want her back ASAP, but focus on the big picture - and that is chagning you.
