So here we sit watching the storm....My W looks in a daze, we really aren't talking. She looks at me and asks, "When you travel back to your families home, are you going to say anything about us being separated?". Huh...What?? I say I had not thought about it that much and I wasn't sure what I would or would not say to them. She started to have tears and said something like, well since I've had said maybe we'd get back together...she didn't finish the thought out loud. Why am I confused you ask? My W has told all of her family and friends that would listen. She's insinuated to several people that she's only doing this to support me after my mom passed away and that she fully expects to have the house after the divorce is final.
That is not what she is saying to me, so who do I believe?
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Believe nothing she says and only 50% of what she does. She's confused and is talking off the wall. She doesn't want you to tell your family because she doesn't want to look bad in their eyes. Notice how she's told everyone what she's doing? She's put a different spin on things w/her family and friends and you don't have any idea what she's told them as to why she wants a divorce.
She's really not in the real world right now and her fantasy may see the light of day a bit when she realizes that you aren't handing the house over to her. As for the house, she can buy you out or it can be sold and split the proceeds in half.
For now, go w/your gut instint. She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well the rollercoaster just keeps on going up and down!! My W sent me several texts yesteday that one of her co-works lost his partner to cancer. Very sad. She texts, "When I think of that and the end of life-like wiht my mom- there is nobody else on this earth that I want to be with when I am at that point." She continues with, "I should have said-I still want to be with you". Here we go again.
Now today, she texts several times about money she took out of her retirement account and that she could not pay it back in time and we would be penalized. Really "we"? I have the $$ in my personal account and I struggled a lot with saying I would lend her the money, but decided not to. And said to her that I'm she will have to figure it out.
Not sure if that was the right thing to say, but I didn't want to rescue her and give her the money. She makes me so frustrated....I'm not sure what to say to her..
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, You did okay! She will need to figure out how to handle the situation w/the withdrawal from her retirement and the penalities that go along w/it. She will not learn the facts of life if you rescue her. She's growing up and needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly! I am so frustrated with this whole thing. I've been reading DR and trying to detach, but quite honestly this is so very hard and I'm not sure I can do this. I get so agitated by my W's actions I can barely stand it. My sister keeps asking me why I'm standing and that I should just move on. I have developed a friendship with another person who is going through almost the exact same thing and they are in the process of getting a D. I listen and think, yeah I should just do that it would be so much easier, but then I remind myself that I made a commitment and I'm not ready to let that go..yet! I sit here and think, that it may not be too long before I am ready to just "move on". Why should I suffer when she's out enjoying herself. I know she's just faking it, but it feels like she is. Right now I feel like I hate my wife, but that's not true either....I guess I'm just having a pity party for myself right now...This just really [censored].
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
You can't judge your situation by others. You sister doesn't understand the process and she's not walked a mile in your shoes, so take what she says w/a grain of salt. You are the only one that can determine when you've had enough and want to end the marriage. However, do make any rash decisions when you are having a pity party or angry. Make decisions when you are calm and have had some time to think about them. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't posted in a while and now I'm back. I went on a vacation overseas with my W and several of her family members. I thought things were going okay...A bit uncomfortable at times but okay. I talked to my W cousin and she was asking how things were going. I explained that we (W and me) had been getting along, but I'm not sure where all of this is going. She was compassionate and asked if there was someone else involved. I said I thought my W had already talked to her about this and that yes there is someone my W was "in love" with. To be exact my W said to me that she told her cousin that there is someone else and that she is in love with them, but nothing more than a kiss had ever happened. It seems there may have been some story changing from what my W told me she said to her family to what her cousin said that was discussed. It's funny at the end of the conversation her cousin told me I need to go out on some dates and see how my wife liked that. Not sure I'm comfortable with dating just yet.
While we were on vacation, my W held my hand a few times at night and even gave me a few kisses when no one was looking.
I did think a lot about divorce while we were on vacation. I'm not sure why this kept creeping into my mind. I don't really want a divorce, but I sometimes feel it would be so much easier to GAL and move on with my life. We got home and did a few errands around the house. I asked her to do one thing and she found a few things to do. She still walks around the house like she owns the place even though she decided to move out. I kind of felt that she really didn't want to leave. Finally she asked if I wanted to have dinner with her and I accepted. It was pleasant and she did most of the talking. She would ask for input and then interupt me and try to complete my sentences. This has been an ongoing issue with our relationship. After dinner she picks up her dog and then gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek. Her last words were, I'll call you soon???? WOW...I know I should have expected this from her and nothing more....
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Well the fun just keeps on coming. Today my W calls and says that she wants to let me know what she is doing for Thankgiving. I had kind of expected that she was trying to wait until the last minute since I had only heard from her once over the weekend. She said that her parents and brothers were going to her place and that her mom was bringing her Thanksgiving so she would not be coming to the house.
Every year we have several friends that we rotate houses with for Thanksgiving. I think my W is was still upset since I told her that I planned to have our friends over to the house for Thanksgiving this year since it was our turn. When I told her this she wanted to know "who was coming". I explained the usual people, plus a friend of mine who she thinks has always judged her. It may be true, but it that's between them.
I can say that this morning when she told me that she was not coming for dinner that it again hurt my feelings. I know I need to detach, but the holidays are hard and this year they are going to be even harder since my mom passed away. I feel like I am getting no emotional support from my W and it really hurts. I again feel like just shutting down and ending it. I need to move on and have no expecations of what my W will and will not do. She says one thinkg and then totally floors me with her change of direction.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
So had Thanksgiving without the W. She had her family over to her new apartment. My W asked if I wanted to see a movie with her yesterday and I agreed. So we met for a late lunch, went to see Life of Pi and then met some friends for drinks. Lets just say a bit uncomfortable and my W said something about me being distant. What am I supposed to be...All lovey dovey? I was tired, but did try to interact in the conversation.
After the trip to Turkey, she said that she would talk to me soon...I guess that really means that she'll text every couple of days about something that centered around her and what she needed or wants me to do. On Thanksgiving I get text of Happy Thanksgiving and hope I have a good day. WOW--It's been wonderful---NOT!
Last night when she was heading back to her apartment she said again, talk to you soon...So I made a gesture of shrugging my shoulders in the "whatever" meaning. Probably not a good thing, but it just happened. She was annoyed and asked what did that mean. I said that she could call or not that was her choice. Needless to say she left mad. So she can say whatever she wants but, I should keep my mouth shut.
We seems to be drifting further apart and she only wants to interact with me when she needs me to watch "her" dog or if she wants something from the house. It seems she is still being very selfish...I can honestly say this is not what I wanted for my life and I am seriously considering seeing a lawyer after the holidays. Maybe I'm just too weak for all of her issues and mine. I just want to be happy and be beside someone who will support me and love me. I feel the conversation we had on before the trip to Turkey was a manipulation to get me to go on the trip so she wouldn't look bad to her family.
Yesterday she asked if I told our friends what was going on. I said no, that I did not want to spend Thanksgiving day talking about her and our relationship issues. She said, OH. I then went on to remind her that she was the one who had asked me not to say anything to my family when I went to visit. She acted like she couldn't remember that conversation.
Who is this person that I'm married to because I have no idea who this person anymore.
Does anyone read these and have any comments?
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Wow, what a time of it you are having. My heart goes out to you.
Don't beat yourself up too much for the shrug. None of us will ever get all this 100% right - and we are allowed to make mistakes.
I agree the holidays make all this so very much harder.
I've read several of your posts and don't see what you are doing for yourself? (I recognize that you might be doing tons and just not telling us) I understand and empathize with wanting to D or do "something" to jump start your GAL. This drifting through limbo land is slow torture.
Just remember that anything you do needs to be done for YOUR benefit right now. In my sitch, I am very tempted at this moment to call my absent H and say "If you can't bother to call, don't bother to come home." But that's not what I want, its just what I like to fantasize about because I wrongly think it might be the slap that wakes him up. But logically I know that it won't wake him but could well result in him not coming home.
Standing is so very hard. Your sister may not have the experience from her life to really get what you are working on. She just sees you hurting and wants it to stop. But you can reduce the hurting without a D. Its just hard.
Of course she is selfish right now - that's a synonym for MLC I think. They can't see beyond their own nose. Try to step back, find something for YOU to look forward to.
Good luck and best wishes.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
