Back again thread #2

[labug]

I also "went dark" with her for a while if you want to call it that. I just stopped the game, the abuse, the drama. Once she really got sober we worked through the remaining issues together. My lingering abandonment and trust issues do play a role in some of the dynamics of my M. Likely they are not as influential as just the fact that H has done this before.

Sounds like you did a lot of growing and changing. It's hard work but so worth it. Recognizing where we come from but taking responsibility for our lives going forward is so powerful. My mother was not an alcoholic but was depressed, interestingly the characteristics are similar she just didn't self-medicate. I attended Adult Child meetings and that was a great help to me. It's so nice to know that I wasn't as crazy as I thought I was and that I could get better.

But our experience often influences choice of mate.

Was your dad around when you were growing up?

What can I say, I was 20.

Would the Melissa of today make the same choice as Melissa at 20?

I also, have a problem with asking people for help. Even if I need it.

Start asking, just for little things. It's been amazing to me that people really do want to help and will if they can but just don't know how or what. Try it.

The goal was to be the smartest, know the most, and just be smarter. It made me a brat. It's overwhelming for people. I am a know it all. And not in a good way. It has cost me friends in the past. It has been very difficult for me to let things go and just be. Generally speaking unless the misinformation will result in someone being physically hurt I have stopped arguing and let it go. It's just not worth it. Someone here has a quote that say, "Would you rather be right or be married?" That is actually what I hear in my head whenever I start to go down that same path.

This makes me smile, in a sort of sad way. I've described myself much the same, that I always had to be the kid in the PF Flyer commercial (which not many will remember) who could "run faster, jump higher" and I tack on, always have the right answer.

Meditation has helped me a lot with slowing down and thinking before I "get involved". Detaching from outcomes is also a key along with recognizing just who the problem belongs to. If it's not mine and the person it belongs to hasn't asked for help, I walk away. It's sometimes very hard but everyone is entitled to live their own life, free from my interference, no matter how "helpful" it might be.

My anger and mouth is ongoing and will likely be a lifelong battle. That is something I learned from my mother. I am now trying to unlearn it. I really think the bulk of it is - stress. Feeling overwhelmed. The trick if for me to recognize that and to stop it before it gets to that point. As we all have calmed down and gotten more in the groove of H being gone it has lessened significantly. I also approach people differently or try to.

Again, meditation has helped me with this. Also asking myself, "How important is this, really?"

Getting enough sleep, eating right and exercise are also helpful. HALT, a piece of 12-step advice, watch for becoming hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Those are definite killers for me.

. They don't get to decide but they do get a voice. The kids and I are functioning more like a unit that we ever had before.

Good. They need to know that there is an adult who has their best interests at heart.