The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks, Ruby. I know I shouldn't have asked him and the scary part is, in the moment when I asked him, I really valued his opinion on it. I have no idea why because I have always had a lot of people tell me I'm such a good hands on Mum. His was telling me the other day how tiring it can be running around after them. I feel like screaming that it's a whole lot easier now, then a few years ago.

The shock I think has worn off for me, Reality has set in.

Fear, yes I think Fear plays a part in it for me. I fear, that I won't ever love anybody else, in the same way again. I fear the consequences this could have on my children. I fear H wanting to R and it being too late for me. I fear this empty feeling lasting for years, if not forever.
I don't fear that I won't be able to find anybody else, I just don't know that I will love like that again.

Sadness definitely plays a part, too. I'm sad about the loss of a lot of my future plans, I'm sad for me and for my children. I'm sad it came to this and I didn't see it coming. I'm sad that my marriage is over and H and I probably will not R.

Love, Love plays the biggest part for me. I knew H didn't treat me the best. I knew I put up with a lot of crap from him but I loved him so much. I can honestly say I have never met anybody like H before, He really is one of a kind.

Oh apparently he is "domesticated" now. Yeah, Just keep kicking me when I'm down. I said "That's typical, You didn't do that stuff when you were here" His reply,.. "I had you to do it for me" Nice,.. Just nice.