Okay, lots of stuff on ROI, I get that. I agree I am lofting my own POV, because that's the only one I have. I don't know what a poison pill is. I agree I'm stuck. (Thankfully I'm not THAT unaware.) I still believe that a M needs to be reciprocal and don't hope to change that. Frankly it's too much work not to get something out of it.
What makes ME a success is very different than what makes my M a success. H could die tomorrow and I wouldn't be any more or any less of a success than I am today. I consider myself quite successful, based not only on a lucrative career with little college, but based upon a good moral foundation that I do well to live by. I can appreciate a gorgeous piece of complex architecture, or moss growing on a rock. I'm afraid of little, including dying (maybe dying painfully.) There's many things I'd like to do if given an opportunity, but won't be disappointed if I don't get to because it meant I was doing something else. My greatest joy in life (besides S12) is reading a book while basking in the sun. I could improve things. I could lose 10 pounds. I could be more organized. I could do better at remembering birthdays. But none of these make me unsuccessful.
So with me, I'm good. My M is not successful. My SIL put it best about her M to my brother when they celebrated 25 years. She said she thinks they did well, because after living together for 25 years, raising two kids that turned out well and dealing with all of life's cr@p, they still like each other. That is my definition of a successful M. I don't have that. But even a failed M doesn't make me a failure.
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CV, you are not clear, because you BELIEVE you want out, yet you THINK you want to stay in.
Or maybe I believe I should keep working on it but think it's hopeless. I don't know. I can say it would be much, much easier to be done with it if H would let go, too. I told H tonight after another spat that I fantasize about the two of us stopping in the middle of an argument, laughing together at the absurdity of it, realizing simultaneously how pointless it all is, commending each other for both giving it one heck of a good effort, agreeing to divorce as friends and genuinely wishing the best for each other with someone else. He said he's not there yet. It doesn't make the spat any less productive, hurtful or pointless, so I don't know what he's hanging his hat on.
So what a difference a week can make, huh? Thankfully, I'm still good with me, just lost my enthusiasm for M. I've noticed in the last week how much H's presence affects my mood when he's around. Like I'm always walking around on eggshells. As the week progressed, I found myself dreading his coming home, and happy if he said he had to work late. So I'm back to trying to figure out how to co-exist better for the next 6 years. Vacations are so much more fun.
