Can This Be Salvaged?

[Am I Too Late]

It's better to talk here than in your head Leo.

Dang, i both dread and am looking forward to going out tonight.

It has been only 1 other time in the past 9 months that i didn't have my son with me.

So, you have a good time tonight too.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

I hope you have a great time Ed. I'm fine its good to be alone sometimes. I have plenty of GAL activities scheduled. Probably going out Wed nite with friends. Playing football with my boys on Thursday then dinner with my best bud. Softball party Sat nite then a club. My W may not want me but my friends do lol. Life goes on Ed. Heck for all you know you could meet someone who catches your eye tonight you never know. You deserve it.

[25yearsmlc]

You asked me to post to you, which I did on your first thread...but I'll chime in here and there...and Denver and Jack are great mentors for you.

Pay attention to them, PLEASE...that means process what they say and apply it to your sitch...

Ok now that I have some time I can go over your post Denver.

You are right that one of my 180's needs to be mood enhancement. I definitely take things way to serious around the house and I can tell you that I have begun being upbeat and will continue to do so.


Well GOOD^^^...do whatever it takes. You do only live once. INstead of spending the money that makes your wife uneasy and insecure (and nearly all women I know would feel the same) you can use that "live only once" to BE HAPPY WHILE YOU ARE HERE...

I mean it's a lousy combination for your wife to live with to have you say on one hand "you only live once, so let's not save a cent so we're always one paycheck away from being broke"....AND YET also not be a happy person...


When my wife first fell in love with me I was a happy person. We would talk and joke and now things are just way to serious no joking and it's me who has to change that.

yes it is

The trust issues I agree with you on 100%. I am pretty open with my wife. She has access to my FB and to my cell phone. I never lock the phone so she can't see it.

um, sorry to point this out but you also had a LOT of inappropriate contact with OWs and lied about it and hid it. And hiding it is lying by omission.

I'm glad you NOW are open with your wife, but let's not pretend you always were. There's a very legit reason for her distrusting you AND for feeling mistreated.

You tend to treat her badly whenever you think you can get away with it...only to care about the marriage IF there's OM or a threat of a divorce.
Of course she's not sure it's real or sincere...but instead might just be a tactic to get her back, ONLY to revert to your old ways once you can....

THAT IS HER FEAR...that the marriage will slide back, again, to the old ways.




As a matter of fact I know she was looking at it this morning because I left it on my dresser and when I went in too the room she was walking away from the dresser and it looked like I startled her. I didn't say anything but chuckled to myself.

Not to quibble, okay? But I see the "lol"s you use and the "chuckled" to yourself & it somehow makes me think you see this as a game to win. It's not a contest.


She can check all she wants I have nothing to hide. I always tell her where I am going and if I will be home or not. If I drink too much at my buddies I stay but come home first thing in the morning. I usually invite her out with me when I go out but she typically says no.

is it FUN FOR HER when you drink too much? Isn't one of her love languages quality time together? Did you read AND take in, the Five Love Languages book?

I hear you on taking the lead and the changes I have to make are for ME and not her. That is what I meant by saying to you that I will win this battle. No matter what happens I will come out of this a changed and much better person.

Well I have to run right now. Gotta go to my son's soccer game. I'll check in later.

[25yearsmlc]

A question for those who were WAS. Those of you who were treated bad in your M and have Reconciled was it one specific thing that triggered you to reconcile with your S or was it consistent time + changes in your S that madebyou want to reconcile?

it's

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

YOU came here a year ago but did NOT DB...why?

You were complacent, again...and so NOW you say you are DBing but I don't know what the 180s are in you.

You are not spending as much money? B/c that is about being a good provider and most women see "Security" as one of the 2 most important traits in their husbands...and

that means physical security (so NO physical abuse or intimidation)

AND Financial...no worries that the home will be foreclosed or the kids needs won't be met, etc...

and fwiw, the other trait is fidelity.

Your wife has reason to doubt yours...or at least she did.

She told you that she was, in effect, lonely IN the marriage...I'd say

Don't give up so easily. It's not the time you've been here but the time YOU have put into DBing

and from what I've read, it's not much change on your end that is visible or significant.

No offense, but what is different about you?

your wife will ONLY want to be married to you under ONE condition...which is

that marriage to you now would be better/different than before.

So, how are YOU SHOWING her that it would be better or different?

[leopoldstotch]

25 thanks for the reply. When I get I will answer your posts in detail. Thanks again

[Am I Too Late]

You are not spending as much money? B/c that is about being agood provider and most women see "Security" as one of the 2 most important traits in their husbands...and

that means physical security (so NO physical abuse or intimidation)

AND Financial...no worries that the home will be foreclosed or the kids needs won't be met, etc...

and fwiw,the other trait is fidelity.
From 25MLC



25MLC,

Thank you for being consistent with your advice. Maybe some of us, like myself can't or don't want to see the forest for the trees and, at least in my case, remained in denial of some of our faults.

I see so many more manipulative and passive aggressive behaviors from my past that i now more fully comprehend.

I may have halted those behaviors since our 1st argument just 3 weeks before i discovered my W's love letters to the 1st OM, but i didn't see the intimidation of how i passively and aggressively displayed that behavior as clearly as i understand them now.

That was only possible by me rereading advice again and opening my mind rather than get defensive and internally make excuses and rationalizations.



Leo,

I was advised by you to go back and read the replies to my 1st thread and i suggest that you do the same.

My poor behavior was a consistent part of me for years, as your habits probably are too.

I would grimace in pain if my W had felt it necessary to check out my phone because that, to me, would mean i gave her previous reasons to not trust me.

In my way, my excessive work voided me from being home when i was needed for emotional support.

I always made enough money before, but even if my wife had been considering an R for our marriage, i was over compulsive on only trying to fix the marriage and let my financial life fall apart. So, on my case, even though i stopped some actions that caused insecurity in my W's belief in me, i replaced it with another insecurity after the bomb drop.

Are you creating any additional insecurities in your W's view of your actions and changes?

I am only commenting this to you, because it's never too late to rid ourselves of behaviors that caused emotional distress in others whom we care for, but didn't show it in all of our interactions as best we could.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

You asked me to post to you, which I did on your first thread...but I'll chime in here and there...and Denver and Jack are great mentors for you.

Pay attention to them, PLEASE...that means process what they say and apply it to your sitch...

Ok now that I have some time I can go over your post Denver.

You are right that one of my 180's needs to be mood enhancement. I definitely take things way to serious around the house and I can tell you that I have begun being upbeat and will continue to do so.


Well GOOD^^^...do whatever it takes. You do only live once. INstead of spending the money that makes your wife uneasy and insecure (and nearly all women I know would feel the same) you can use that "live only once" to BE HAPPY WHILE YOU ARE HERE...

I mean it's a lousy combination for your wife to live with to have you say on one hand "you only live once, so let's not save a cent so we're always one paycheck away from being broke"....AND YET also not be a happy person...


When my wife first fell in love with me I was a happy person. We would talk and joke and now things are just way to serious no joking and it's me who has to change that.

yes it is

The trust issues I agree with you on 100%. I am pretty open with my wife. She has access to my FB and to my cell phone. I never lock the phone so she can't see it.

um, sorry to point this out but you also had a LOT of inappropriate contact with OWs and lied about it and hid it. And hiding it is lying by omission.

I'm glad you NOW are open with your wife, but let's not pretend you always were. There's a very legit reason for her distrusting you AND for feeling mistreated.

You tend to treat her badly whenever you think you can get away with it...only to care about the marriage IF there's OM or a threat of a divorce.
Of course she's not sure it's real or sincere...but instead might just be a tactic to get her back, ONLY to revert to your old ways once you can....

THAT IS HER FEAR...that the marriage will slide back, again, to the old ways.




As a matter of fact I know she was looking at it this morning because I left it on my dresser and when I went in too the room she was walking away from the dresser and it looked like I startled her. I didn't say anything but chuckled to myself.

Not to quibble, okay? But I see the "lol"s you use and the "chuckled" to yourself & it somehow makes me think you see this as a game to win. It's not a contest.

I can see how you would think that I think it's a game but to me it is not. I chuckled because she doesn't have to hide from me that she looks at my phone or FB. Yes I gave her reason to do that I do understand that.


She can check all she wants I have nothing to hide. I always tell her where I am going and if I will be home or not. If I drink too much at my buddies I stay but come home first thing in the morning. I usually invite her out with me when I go out but she typically says no.

is it FUN FOR HER when you drink too much? Isn't one of her love languages quality time together? Did you read AND take in, the Five Love Languages book?

No one of her LL isn't quality time. I don't know if that is what I posted earlier if I did I meant that that was one of my LL. I know my W's biggest LL is Acts of Service followed by a mix of Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. I haven't finished reading the book yet.

I hear you on taking the lead and the changes I have to make are for ME and not her. That is what I meant by saying to you that I will win this battle. No matter what happens I will come out of this a changed and much better person.

Well I have to run right now. Gotta go to my son's soccer game. I'll check in later.

[leopoldstotch]

A question for those who were WAS. Those of you who were treated bad in your M and have Reconciled was it one specific thing that triggered you to reconcile with your S or was it consistent time + changes in your S that madebyou want to reconcile?

it's

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

YOU came here a year ago but did NOT DB...why?

Good question. I thought I was DBing but it's clear that I wasn't doing a very good job at it.

You were complacent, again...and so NOW you say you are DBing but I don't know what the 180s are in you.

180's have been being pleasant to be around,being as open to my W as she will allow, not allowing her anger to get me angry,not having the "you only live once" attitude

You are not spending as much money? B/c that is about being a good provider and most women see "Security" as one of the 2 most important traits in their husbands...and

that means physical security (so NO physical abuse or intimidation)

There is no physical abuse or intimidation at all on my part. My spending habits are much improved as I'm not inclined to spend on things I really don't need.

AND Financial...no worries that the home will be foreclosed or the kids needs won't be met, etc...

I just got back from doing storm work last week and the first thing I did with all the money I made was to make sure all our bills were paid up and I may have an opportunity to go away for 12 weeks working 7 days a week 12 hrs a day. If I get asked to go I'm doing it since it will really get us on track financially. I won't be home at all during that time so that'll make my W happy.

and fwiw, the other trait is fidelity.

Your wife has reason to doubt yours...or at least she did.

I can see why she would doubt mine. I don't think she does anymore.

She told you that she was, in effect, lonely IN the marriage...I'd say

In hindsight she did tell me she was lonely and maybe not in those exact words but I didn't listen. I know at one time she wanted to go to marriage counseling and I dismissed it and now I'm the one who see an IC. She told me last year she won't go to counseling and I don't ask because I'm not pressuring her.

Don't give up so easily. It's not the time you've been here but the time YOU have put into DBing

and from what I've read, it's not much change on your end that is visible or significant.

No offense, but what is different about you?

your wife will ONLY want to be married to you under ONE condition...which is

that marriage to you now would be better/different than before.

So, how are YOU SHOWING her that it would be better or different?

I would have to say the area lacking the most is financially. Being laid off a good portion of this has gotten to both of us
but that may be about to change for the better soon. Like I've posted above I'm much more pleasant to be around even my boys notice. I don't let the little things bother me anymore. I don't go back at my W like I used to when she would yell. Except for last week but I apologized the next day which is something I never did in the past. It would take me days to say I'm sorry. I try to talk to her which was a complaint she had. I talk to her with respect. I compliment her when appropriate. As far as hugs or kisses go that's out since she doesn't want them so no pressure there from me. All in all I know I have a way to go and no 25 I'm not giving up so easily. You given me what I needed to see where I'm lacking and I thank you. I have to give it my all and then if she chooses to end it at least I will be a better person and that I gave it my best shot.

[leopoldstotch]

Strange I couldn't find my thread

[leopoldstotch]

So this morning my W asks me if I have plans for Thursday and then tells me that my sister in law says I'm invited to dinner on Thanksgiving. I had told her I wasn't sure but that in the morning our boys and I were going to play football with friends. I told my W I would ask the boys what they wanted to do for dinner if my oldest didn't want to drive with his brother to my sister in laws that I would make us dinner. She didn't sound thrilled so I said that we would come after football. One day she was all set to go to her sister's alone since she said the boys could do what they want now we are all going. Go figure and here I thought I would do whatever since I wasn't going to say or make an issue out of my W initially telling me I was on my own.