MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[albamarie]

I don't think I know the meaning of detaching as it's used on this site, the meaning that is true to the definition as it is written by BDing.

If this is detaching it feels more like moving forward, trying to dig myself out, looking ahead with myself in mind.

I went as far as telling my kids it's going to start being about me now, your all adults, I will always be here for you, but I have to come into play now and be able to live a happy life.

I can't believe how adult kids (oxymoron) complain about needing them to act like adults. Them I can control...I left them the house, told them to clean it, buy some groceries and cook dinner. Now that was easy!

I'm just coming back from a midnight movie with D18 (team edward) and as I'm sitting there I realize I like being out again, late night. Granted it was a theater filled with young girls, but I wasn't home, sad, sitting in a zombie state worrying about H.

It's good D quality time first and foremost!

Tomorrow I'm going to try to drive to my cousins house (my age) and see if they want to go for dinner. I guess I can start with family as a stepping stone for learning to be without H. Hey, I met H though a cousin, so having 10 of them does put me in some kind of circle.

[nero]

hiya -

it's sad- go eat pie. funny you aid that. this h bought me a birthday cake (lard central) at foodstore yesterda. h e buys me off. i think (i know, i know- i'm not supposed to) he chatrted with ow and was all chipper (compared to morning ratty self) and i swear-

anyway- i ate damn cake- too much of it- it's disgusting( but good) so, why am i doing something awful to myself(lard ingestion) because he is so gross in my life???

i think he's trying to figure out how to see ow over holiday- maybe she's coming to town to see parents and he's trying so hard to finagle something. i can tell he's acting wierdly- i am staying away from him. i don't want to say something- i don't want to make it easy for him. what an a_s -

big time. he thinks he's tricky- and not as easy to read as he is. i can see the wh3eels grinding away up in that head. this guy was a successful lawyer- and now he's this- - acting like an 11 year old girl - with his texts and bs - it's discouraging- sickening- and plain ole awful to see what a dope he acts like. who does he think he is fooling (besides himself) i wonder.

yeah i know- i need to work on the name- calling. it's been a flaw since forever. i'm plugging away- getting all stinking perfect for - what? nothin. oh well-

i got a "nice body" other day- all this misery has made me loose weight- hip hip hooray. i'd rather be tubby and ugly and happy- ya don't get to pick? do ya???

life sure is wierd- i'm outta here. i'd better go dig up some junk to sell at neice's garage sale tomorrow- more junk please!!!

did you eat pie? i think i should have gotten a pie- it's less lard - will remember that next time i hope. i think i may also just wither away before i actually bust loose too-

we need to fight it- you're nice and young- the world is your oyster. i know 60 is the new 40 (some one told me that other day- yeah rite- they were no where near 60 - but i didn't want to be unkind).

who is kidding who??? oh well tho- one never knows what the heck life holds huh? who wouldathunk this all would happen? not me - not you -

this process IS too slow- i guess that's why some folks just bull in and then stuff happens - for good or bad- something happens. sounds good sometimes-

i'll be back- i need to get off this darn computer- it's like an addiction- oh noooooo...... not that too!!!!!

[albamarie]

I'm sitting at gathering with people asking me if I'm still moving to Nevada as planned 3yrs ago. Without saying no my H spun out of control flipping our lives upside down therefor sh!itting on our plans, I find myself saying that's the plan still.

Well, if that's the plan it puts me and D out west leaving my H here to accept that his wife has left him. Funny thing is I don't have a problem thinking that might just be ok with me. I'm sure he doesn't either!

Funny how I want to go ahead with stalled plans regardless of H, my M, as if it's a non-issue. I guess the crazy guy spewing his rant at me finally said something one too many times, something that I can never un-hear regardless of reason.

Looking around at well rounded people with their smiles and ambitions, attention, and good will, I see just how ugly my H has become, and I don't want to be a victim of his anymore!

[albamarie]

My h's depression is causing him to sink into his most deperate and worse "self." He had a negative slant to most every situation - work, finances, life, etc. And it is a vicious downward spiral... the more he focused on how awful everything was, the more overwhelmed he would become, and therefore more hopeless.

It became so clear to me that his negative "doom and gloom" was not based on much reality or truth.

I realized we were wasting energy at even discussing those issues at that particular moment in time because his perceptions were so skewed. How can you attempt to "fix" problems when they are so blown out of proportion? So I continued to just put the focus back on my purpose in the intervention. I told him that I would be happy to discuss these issues that were weighing him down in a month or so, after the meds had a chance to really kick in.

I say that to say, I don't think you (we, us, anyone) can get anywhere if the other person in the r is not in their "right mind," whether under the influence of alcohol, clinical depression, or on a high from their involvement in an affair. The other person has to make the decision to quit the excessive drinking, get on some anti-depression meds, or break off the A, or whatever, in order to make judgements based on reality.

And, ironically enough, after the meds for depression, about 90% of his overwhelming "problems" do not exist now.

These are well put words that say exactly what I have been living with for a few yrs now. IF only I could get my H on the meds the C wants to put him on, I know he would have clarity just as the C says.

But, instead I'm lossing my will to be with him. Turning away from him, thinking of my life without him, because he puts forth know effort.

[MKB23]

DawnMarie- ((()))
I have posted some about my H depression but not a whole lot. For us, it was a relief when he first left. No more negativity, no more outbursts, no more blaming, no more anger. I completely understand where you are coming from.

Really it is almost a form of abuse. You accept it and put up with it because you know something is wrong with them. However, the fact remains that it is with THEM. I really think if I had, had boundaries and put my foot down much of my current situation would have been avoided.

My H is off ALL meds and no counseling. I know that at some point his fog will lift the depression is going to come back and suddenly it will be WTF did I do and be a big crisis for him. Mine is also thinking that being with OW is fixing his D and it was all just me. However, people who truly struggle with D and have issues like BiPolar just cycle and it WILL come back. That is when the real crisis hits.The thing is- it's HIS crisis. Not mine. You CANNOT fix him. He has to fix him.

If that means a result is that you leave - then it may mean that. Is it to the point you cannot go on living like that? If so, tell him but mean it. I told H if you don't go back to IC and get meds I am leaving. But I DIDN'T. I should have.

Another thing just from experience- my H has become more resistant to meds the more I encourage them. If I had shut up it probably would have been better.

Also, you mentioned you are angry about your future. I know I also had this problem. I had envisioned a particular life and outcome. To put it honestly, I felt like we had made it through all the hard stuff now we get "the gravy" if that makes sense? That wasn't realistic. Truth is none of us know what the future holds. However, you do know what you are currently dealing with and you need to make your choices based on what is best for YOU. If your children are grown that is even better. Less stress. It sounds like you really haven't decided what you want, therefore, you keep chasing your tail. One thing is for certain, you do not need any more anger and animosity. So sit down, decide, then take action. For me, there was peace in just figuring that out. It gave me a path and a way forward.

Now- I have only read this thread but I was shocked that OW called you. How is it that she has a conscience about TG but nothing else? Maybe I missed that. However, it seems like she would tell him to go work on things and not come around anymore. I have a very clear and definite opinion of "women" who have a R with married men. I do not know if I could tolerate OW calling me. Really.

[nero]

I can't help, maybe it's my own stage I'm going through, but think that this is never going to be enough for me, or even slightly what I want in a R. I won't go back, can't stay here like this, and see no sign of a future that fits my needs.

hiya- don't know if I already "seconded" this motion. i am in a wierd little place myself. can't "see" the future- don't look forward to it- don't hate the thought tho either.

don't wanna be alone- can't imagine someone else- BUT can't imagine h either. (wtf?

grosses me out to think of him seeing ow- sneaking calls, etc.- i'm sure (possibly) my imagination is worse by far than reality- i know, i kn ow, shut that brain up - trying like mad. successful most of the time- not allllll tho. slept terrible last two nites- always bad news - sleep deprived me.

good thing i'm not a spy- i'd spill my guts in two seconds after only four or five hrs sleep. nnotthing seems important anymore when i'm not well-rested.

anyway- soooo, what the heck is our plan here??? like the way i'm glomming in on you? soooo- i assume we continue to become emotionally and intellectually "fortified" here and continue dbing til we wake up with a huge DIRECTION in our mind.

i'm amazed every single day i'm here and i'm in less pain and still not totally clear on wtf is going on with me - him - and r .... makes me wonder how long people can and do live like this- limbo land.

a neighbor up in nj got telling me her own life story one day (oiy) and she commented that she doesn't know any married people anymore that are happy. geeeez - isn't that dreary to think???

i think i have a few friends and they seem happy together - on the w hole. my three chums up there- all married - all hangign in there. i don't know- look okay to me. they're just average folks- none of this gotta be young- gotta wear a thong - gotta have tons of bread - m.o. like here in ft.lauderdale. what a pit- what a societal outlook down here. it's downright depressing.

oh well huh? i'm not too sharp today- oh yeah- the ow calling you- what the????? the whole holiday thing- how tough. isn't it wierd the way we attach sooooo much importance to a lousy holiday and it seems soooo worse to be blue on that darn day- when all the darn days are junky- but somehow this expectation of warm and cozy and family makes it seem sooooo crucial.

i always hated it when people said "it's just another day" - sadly- today i kind of feel like that. last year was sooooo bad- fog central. this year could only be a step up- i still feel dread tho- like something awful is pending- the other shoe dropping-

keep thinking he'll have to go see ow - i'll either know adn be mad as hell or not know and speculate and be mad as hell- i kn ow- i shouldn't imagine things- but much like the dog knowing something is "up" when master is going on vacation.

my spidey sense is picking up something. i hate this- but i'll forgo the rant. wish me luck and nothing dramatic. i am priming myself to keep my lips shut- i swear- i hopei can. good ole tsq and his stfu - i know- i should write it allover my arms so i'm sure to remember- i want to have reminders - but don't want anything in the universe around here for h to see.

oh well- hope you are preparing and going to have a good one. it will be fine- it will be fine - it will be fine- i'm sending good vibes out there for everyone &b you & me too.

no matter what- it will be fine.

xxoo

[albamarie]

Really it is almost a form of abuse. You accept it and put up with it because you know something is wrong with them. However, the fact remains that it is with THEM

Hi MK-It doesn't seem like Dep. is talked about to some extent here. I know MLC and Dep. go hand in hand, but I'm dealing with a little more it seems as my H is clinically D for yrs now.

The C is mulling through Borderline Personality Dis. - he's not quite convinced of Bi Polar, and def meds need to be given. C has gone as far as saying without meds, there is no man anymore.

Your right it's a form of abuse - I remember saying to H that I feel like I walk on eggshells everyday. Years of not wanting him to get upset so it doesn't ruin our day, dinner, drive, movie, every min of my life spent being passive, or accommodating.

We didn't start out like that, but looking back I can recognize the slow growing change in him, until we had it out and I said IDLY, and he said good because he's a POS anyway. Once that passed a yr later I was all OMG, ILY when he flipped on me.

I know it's because I wanted him to work with me, on us, take care of himself, find his way through what brought him over the edge, not flip his whole character. Go against God, and be the rank, slim he is today.

Another thing just from experience- my H has become more resistant to meds the more I encourage them. If I had shut up it probably would have been better

Thank's I really could use someones experience as I am going through this alone and blind. I don't push the C or the Meds, I'm glad your telling me not to, cause I was going to encourage it, now I will stay shut up, thanks!

It sounds like you really haven't decided what you want, therefore, you keep chasing your tail. One thing is for certain, you do not need any more anger and animosity. So sit down, decide, then take action

Chasing my tail, that's funny, I guess I am, at least I'm not still floundering, because I know now that I don't want to fight for him, I don't want to fight for someone who won't fight for himself, my kids, me!

It's a good thing, it gives me peace when he's out, I don't care about his cell, his visits to ea/ow, his complaints, aches, hunger, nothing! I spent the weekend doing my own thing, and feeling really free of his drama.

Taking action will be done passively for myself - no sudden moves that might rock me, send me backsliding.

I choose to be as understanding and strong for myself as I was doing for my H that didn't except what I had to offer. I am taking better care of me, and treating myself with all the kids gloves I had for H. HE gets my attention when he comes to me, kindess when he's kind, respect when he's respectful, and my happy face because I'm not D, mlc or even in a fog, that's his gig!

[angel61]

HI Dawnmarie,

Just checking how your sitch is going....

You seem pretty settled, and I think your doing right. Let your H be...and work on yourslef. Thats it!

[albamarie]

If the point of all this is to "outlast the mlc" while taking advantage of the gift of time, then I only hope that my efforts yield me respect, love and happiness, no matter the outcome.

I just want what's best for me, and my kids, as does everyone else here going through this unbelievable turmoil. I would never have guessed one day I would say Idly to my H, nor will I, but it is exactly how I feel.

From what I'm reading I guess I'm in a normal stage of my LBS and this too will evolve into something healthier and more productive for everyone involved. I just really can't see myself going back to the pain - even if I have to sacrifice the R 100 percent and not know H anymore on any level.

[MKB23]

Unfortunately- I think it is normal. My H IS bipolar so I know some of what you are going through. It's ironic that you mention some of the things you did. Like your H mine had the depression, outbursts, anger, aches, then the verbal talking about how awful he is, putting himself down, wanting to die. It is so tiresome.

For my H really the problems were his refusal to seek any sort of treatment at all.
I think this is really normal. I too have decided that without real commitment to treatment on his part that I cannot go back to that life. It is too difficult for myself and my children. You have to do what is best for you.

I am also to the point where I am just trying to outlast the crisis. But more than that, I just figure I am working on my own time line. I will know when to walk away completely, when I am done. Otherwise, this will just be another thing he didn't finish or follow through on.

I figure one way or the other we will have some peace at the end of this journey. :-) Keep your chin up!