Journaling: today was great for me, due to DBing choices I made that I see so many of you making...
For the first time ever, I didn't check his phone today when I had an opportunity to. This is monumental for me. I am someone who will sometimes become so obsessed with checking / snooping into his phone, until I make myself sick. I did this last night, and didn't see anything but still, couldn't sleep much of the night as a consequence. So today I woke up and decided this had to be stopped. I wanted to feel better than I did yesterday, and I have no control over him, his moods or his actions anyway. So I did what I learned here: I went out, kept myself busy and did things for me. I kindly detached from him and went about my business. (he was in a withdrawn, sullen mood this a.m. anyway). I also realized who I have been is not who I want to be, regardless of what he does. I can change this, and I intend to. (This isn't to say I'm going to do this perfectly though - it is a start).
And what happened was I had an immensely peaceful day. There was no anger or weirdness from me towards him like yesterday, because my mood wasn't attached to what he was doing, or how he was acting or feeling. It was awesome!
When I came home, he was very receptive to me and asked me to go out with him to lunch and to do some stuff around town. During the course of our (small lighthearted talk) I brought up that he seemed kind of down lately, which he agreed with. I didn't push, but just suggested if he felt he wanted to go see someone about it, that it might help. And then I dropped it.
We had a really nice lunch, we joked around a little and I kept it very light and fun. He's still not being touchy or intimate, but for some reason it just didn't bother me today. I tried not to let it, but to just focus on the positive. He also did all the laundry today, and was in the middle of it when I came home. I read here to 'reward the positive, and not the negative', or something along those lines. So I thanked him for taking care of it for us and got busy again.
Things are not perfect, but they're a hell of a lot better than they were, or would be if I hadn't kept my mouth quiet!
Thank you to all of you who share your experiences, and especially your little triumphs. I am so grateful to have had a good day not interdependent upon my H. I'm pretty independent as a rule, but can easily fall into a trap of feeling a certain way because he's not treating me "the way I think I deserve". Separating his sh&$ from mine hasn't been easy, but today was truly a little victory that I want to remember. If I could do this today, then I can keep doing it.
I have a question for anyone who might have some more insight into this than I do: I read in DR that being in a holding pattern in your M is ok. But for how long?
I'm happy right now for the most part in the way things are going. H is still sleeping on couch, not wearing his ring and there's no intimacy, hand-holding etc right now. However, we're spending time together most days, he took me out to lunch today, and we're having a nice time together. I think he may still be a little down or depressed, or MLCish, or something. I don't know what it is, because we haven't spoken about it. He's quiet a lot. I don't know if it's reflection, depression, there's an OW, he's just thinking - he hates his life - I don't know! And I'm not asking...I just feel like the holding pattern is odd. I'm not used to it, and I can't label it, and I guess I want to. In the meantime, I'm taking care of myself very well, not focusing on him too much, haven't checked his phone or anything in 2 days....I just don't understand, is all.
So do you just let it be? When you're curious, do you not ask about it? How long do you wait? Also, does the sex and intimacy come back?
Maybe there are no answers right now. I just don't want to end up in a platonic friend zone or something. He used to be really attracted to me not just a month or so ago! Sorry if it seems like I'm complaining, I'm really not. I just don't get how things could be so calm at home right now, he even asked me to go out to see his friend perform tomorrow night - yet we're not sharing a bed or saying ILY. Is this normal sometimes in these situations?
