Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

Thank you very much, Tumbling, Rubytuesday (I'll look at your sitch), MKB, Regretful and FY for posting. I love coming back to my thread and getting all the pointers and encouragement. I'm open to 2x4s too. I know I keep going on about this, but I'm continually amazed by what an incredible community this is.

I think that you make a great point, FY, about us needing to settle for less until our spouse is on board. H is only just calming down from being really hostile towards me. Regretful, like your H, my H traditionally loves complaining about me. I remember that he once had a therapist who suggested that he not sleep in our bed because my negative/controlling energy could be affecting him while he was sleeping. He loves having therapists on his side. It's not that long since the last spew. We had a horrendous one on Aug 13 and I still cringe about some of the things he said then if I think about it.

While I'd love to start getting certain specific needs of mine met, I know it's not going to happen for a bit in some areas. There is no way that I can ask overtly without H feeling that I'm once again dissatisfied with him. I really don't want to give him any excuse to have a rant about me.

There are enough small positives to encourage me for now. He's home a lot more. I suspect that he hasn't followed through on the project that involved POW. H is v bad at following through on anything but I can't be sure. He's not doing his secretive drinking. I think that's moved into secretive eating but for me that's the lesser evil.

I have been getting more of my needs even though I haven't addressed it directly. He's been more involved in the house and doing spontaneously what I consider to be Acts of Service since normally he leaves everything to me. I have thanked him and made a joke about how he could charge double because of it being a weekend. H fixed our dishwasher yesterday and has sorted out the printers today (both were out of action). He's also been changing a few lightbulbs.

He's been seeking me out more which could potentially turn into Quality Time. He said that he came looking for me again today at my cafe (unfortunately I'd just left to join D15 at the sister cafe). That in itself is amazing. Not that long ago, he would have deliberately avoided that cafe knowing that I could be there--even though it has the best coffee around.

Another quiet day today with no dramas. I really had to bite my tongue though when he popped out 'to buy some coffee' after we watched our episode of The Good Wife. He had supposedly been out to buy coffee grains just a few days ago so I know that that isn't what he's doing. For some reason, he loves using that excuse and I think he forgets that he used it recently. Actually, I don't drink coffee so he knows I'm not up on whether or not we're running out. (I have chilli hot choc at my favourite cafe). If I had to guess, I would say that he's bought himself an ice-cream or a chocolate mousse. Whenever he is trying to lose weight, he does rebound/secretive eating. It drives me absolutely crazy but I know that there is no point calling him on it. He also starts to complain about how hard it is to shift his tummy fat. He said something to that effect yesterday and I had to zip my lips. In the past, I would have pointed out that there is no reason why he should be losing weight given what he's eating. That never goes down well. I let it pass yesterday. I figure it's his business. He's not obese. I think his goal is 15% body fat and he's about 24%. Whatever.

H wants to take S13 skiing in February. Again, my standard response to that sort of idea is to ask him whether he can afford it. I haven't said it yet this time but I really want to. We put 50/50 into a joint account for family expenses but H gets caught short every few months and needs to remortgage his mother's house. I know that that is going to happen soon. When it does, I carry the joint account for a while. I can do it financially but I feel v resentful when it happens.

Traditionally, I feel surprised and let down every time it. I'm trying to see it differently this time. I know it will happen again. I know he will get another mortgage and then catch up with his share of the joint account. At some point, he will have made his way though his mother's property but we're not there yet.

Funnily enough, H just stuck his head around the door to ask whether I was OK with him taking S13 out of school a day early for the skiing trip. I asked casually how he was thinking of us working it financially and he told me he was in the process of getting another mortgage. That answers that worry. Maybe for the first time ever, his remortgage will come through without me having to carry the joint account for a while. That in itself would be a miracle.