LaBug- I dealt with all those feelings years ago. Basically, it all came to a head when my S14 was born. It was impossible for me to reconcile how I was treated by my mother to how I felt about about him. So it was pretty harrowing - at least for me. I also "went dark" with her for a while if you want to call it that. I just stopped the game, the abuse, the drama. Once she really got sober we worked through the remaining issues together. My lingering abandonment and trust issues do play a role in some of the dynamics of my M. Likely they are not as influential as just the fact that H has done this before.
I am pretty comfortable with my past and really reconciled it long ago. I don't have any regrets, anger, or animosity towards anyone. I think it has made me the person I am today and for that I am grateful.
I also lost my fiance when I was 20. He was much older like my H and in some ways H really helped me get over and grieve that loss. H and I met about 5 months after that. Honestly, if anyone had any lingering feelings for someone from when we were younger I thought it would have been me. I had no idea. He never said anything and I never asked though. What can I say? I was 20.
For the most part though I like me. There are some things I need to work on. My trust issues. I also, have a problem with asking people for help. Even if I need it.
H says I always have to be right. That's true. I guess because I felt for so long I had little else. I was raised poor, not the prettiest, not the most talented, not as many opportunities, but I was intelligent. The goal was to be the smartest, know the most, and just be smarter. It made me a brat. It's overwhelming for people. I am a know it all. And not in a good way. It has cost me friends in the past. It has been very difficult for me to let things go and just be. Generally speaking unless the misinformation will result in someone being physically hurt I have stopped arguing and let it go. It's just not worth it. Someone here has a quote that say, "Would you rather be right or be married?" That is actually what I hear in my head whenever I start to go down that same path.
My anger and mouth is ongoing and will likely be a lifelong battle. That is something I learned from my mother. I am now trying to unlearn it. I really think the bulk of it is - stress. Feeling overwhelmed. The trick if for me to recognize that and to stop it before it gets to that point. As we all have calmed down and gotten more in the groove of H being gone it has lessened significantly. I also approach people differently or try to.
Yes marriage stuff IS for grown ups but to not acknowledge them or ask them their opinion seems wrong. Yes, they will change their minds. Yes, he will always be their dad and they will love him. I expect them to. They don't get to decide but they do get a voice. The kids and I are functioning more like a unit that we ever had before. That's a vast improvement.
