I know that about the psych nursing. It was actually the specialty I considered long before now and also the area that seems to be my strength. It has nothing to do with healing myself. Part of it is that I would like to help those dealing with addiction and THAT interest does come from being the child of an alcoholic. I am more the exception though - in that - I learned opposite patterns - she was a perfect example of what I didn't want to be as an adult. Some things I picked up regardless - the screaming when angry - and the tolerating bad behavior in others.
I completely get what you are saying though. Also, as far as psych nursing goes that seems to be the opportunities that are opening up to me. Part of me feels like maybe those are the doors God is opening while these others are closing.
Wendylon- He was a pipefitter. No way he could do his job. He literally had destroyed his back. There are 5 ruptured disk in his back. Two low, one mid, and two in his neck. That said though- I feel like if he feels good enough to try to work under the table then he conceivably could do another job. To be honest- I don't think he can or couldn't and sustain it. If that makes sense? He might be able to for a day here or there but long term? No.
I am on wellbutrin. I think though about a week ago I posted- I sort of had a mini breakdown or breakthrough. Not sure what you would want to call it. Something shifted though. I also really prayed and humbled myself. Since then, I've been much better. Today wasn't real fantastic when I got up. I had dreamed about H. He and I were arguing. This is going to sound so dumb but in it I had an old corded telephone in my hand and we were on the phone. Every time he wouldn't acknowledge something or be rude or nasty I would bang the handset of that phone on the wall. lol. So I woke up in a pretty bad mood. Seems as though it has passed though.
I guess I still maybe feel like I haven't been heard or acknowledged. I may always feel that way as far as he is concerned. It's like banging my head against a wall. So, I will stop banging. I just am tired of it all. Tired of his drama. Tired of her. Tired of letting them get in the way of what I need and want. Maybe realistically he can't be that person. Through all of this my kids have been pretty quiet. We had a discussion last night. I said point blank what do you guys want? First, they want me to wait on D. Which is okay. We agreed that if he doesn't file, I will wait until April or May (end of their school year) and reassess. The other thing which was really pivotal for me and helped reinforce my feelings were one of my now D11 (daddy's girl) said - I don't want him to come back if it's like it was before. Out of the mouth of babes right? Me neither. So essentially, the consensus was that for that to ever even be considered he would have to show he changed. So considering how far we are from that I don't see it happening. At this point, he hasn't even acknowledged he's done anything wrong, really. Time will tell. In the meantime, I am just GALing. Going to do my thing. I can't control him or her or that. And I don't want to. What I want is for him to come to it on his own. I WANT him to WANT me. lol Not feel obligated or anything else. Not because of the kids but because of me. How he feels about me. Also, to use that to WANT to make changes within himself and acknowledge the problems in our M and WORK to change them. For me the dream come true would be OW gone- no contact- he back in counseling, and rebuilding R with kids first. Then maybe he and I could talk.
Like I said- we're nowhere near that. I really don't see it happening. That's like fantasy land not reality land. Reality land is that he never changes or acknowledges anything. They stay together for a while but by the time it falls apart I will have moved on and moved away too for that matter. That is what I anticipate will happen.
And that is why we are here...if and when they come back, we want them to want to and want us. If they don't, then we are well along the road to being okay
My hmmmm was just thinking, how have you dealt with the child of an alcoholic stuff? Working through that, if you haven't can help you with what you're going through right now.
About the kids, while I know you want to do what's right by them, marriage stuff if for the grown-ups to figure out. Their minds will change a lot as things go on, just as yours has. They may not want him around now but they will always love him, he will always be their dad.
And I apologize for the joke, it was thoughtless.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
LaBug- I dealt with all those feelings years ago. Basically, it all came to a head when my S14 was born. It was impossible for me to reconcile how I was treated by my mother to how I felt about about him. So it was pretty harrowing - at least for me. I also "went dark" with her for a while if you want to call it that. I just stopped the game, the abuse, the drama. Once she really got sober we worked through the remaining issues together. My lingering abandonment and trust issues do play a role in some of the dynamics of my M. Likely they are not as influential as just the fact that H has done this before.
I am pretty comfortable with my past and really reconciled it long ago. I don't have any regrets, anger, or animosity towards anyone. I think it has made me the person I am today and for that I am grateful.
I also lost my fiance when I was 20. He was much older like my H and in some ways H really helped me get over and grieve that loss. H and I met about 5 months after that. Honestly, if anyone had any lingering feelings for someone from when we were younger I thought it would have been me. I had no idea. He never said anything and I never asked though. What can I say? I was 20.
For the most part though I like me. There are some things I need to work on. My trust issues. I also, have a problem with asking people for help. Even if I need it.
H says I always have to be right. That's true. I guess because I felt for so long I had little else. I was raised poor, not the prettiest, not the most talented, not as many opportunities, but I was intelligent. The goal was to be the smartest, know the most, and just be smarter. It made me a brat. It's overwhelming for people. I am a know it all. And not in a good way. It has cost me friends in the past. It has been very difficult for me to let things go and just be. Generally speaking unless the misinformation will result in someone being physically hurt I have stopped arguing and let it go. It's just not worth it. Someone here has a quote that say, "Would you rather be right or be married?" That is actually what I hear in my head whenever I start to go down that same path.
My anger and mouth is ongoing and will likely be a lifelong battle. That is something I learned from my mother. I am now trying to unlearn it. I really think the bulk of it is - stress. Feeling overwhelmed. The trick if for me to recognize that and to stop it before it gets to that point. As we all have calmed down and gotten more in the groove of H being gone it has lessened significantly. I also approach people differently or try to.
Yes marriage stuff IS for grown ups but to not acknowledge them or ask them their opinion seems wrong. Yes, they will change their minds. Yes, he will always be their dad and they will love him. I expect them to. They don't get to decide but they do get a voice. The kids and I are functioning more like a unit that we ever had before. That's a vast improvement.
Melissa, your instrospection is helping you, I think. The angry behaviors will stop if you make a conscious effort to stop them, which you're doing. And yes, stress, as well as lack of sleep, makes everything more difficult.
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