Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

A question for those who were WAS. Those of you who were treated bad in your M and have Reconciled was it one specific thing that triggered you to reconcile with your S or was it consistent time + changes in your S that madebyou want to reconcile?

it's

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

YOU came here a year ago but did NOT DB...why?

Good question. I thought I was DBing but it's clear that I wasn't doing a very good job at it.

You were complacent, again...and so NOW you say you are DBing but I don't know what the 180s are in you.

180's have been being pleasant to be around,being as open to my W as she will allow, not allowing her anger to get me angry,not having the "you only live once" attitude

You are not spending as much money? B/c that is about being a good provider and most women see "Security" as one of the 2 most important traits in their husbands...and

that means physical security (so NO physical abuse or intimidation)

There is no physical abuse or intimidation at all on my part. My spending habits are much improved as I'm not inclined to spend on things I really don't need.

AND Financial...no worries that the home will be foreclosed or the kids needs won't be met, etc...

I just got back from doing storm work last week and the first thing I did with all the money I made was to make sure all our bills were paid up and I may have an opportunity to go away for 12 weeks working 7 days a week 12 hrs a day. If I get asked to go I'm doing it since it will really get us on track financially. I won't be home at all during that time so that'll make my W happy.

and fwiw, the other trait is fidelity.

Your wife has reason to doubt yours...or at least she did.

I can see why she would doubt mine. I don't think she does anymore.

She told you that she was, in effect, lonely IN the marriage...I'd say

In hindsight she did tell me she was lonely and maybe not in those exact words but I didn't listen. I know at one time she wanted to go to marriage counseling and I dismissed it and now I'm the one who see an IC. She told me last year she won't go to counseling and I don't ask because I'm not pressuring her.

Don't give up so easily. It's not the time you've been here but the time YOU have put into DBing

and from what I've read, it's not much change on your end that is visible or significant.

No offense, but what is different about you?

your wife will ONLY want to be married to you under ONE condition...which is

that marriage to you now would be better/different than before.

So, how are YOU SHOWING her that it would be better or different?

I would have to say the area lacking the most is financially. Being laid off a good portion of this has gotten to both of us
but that may be about to change for the better soon. Like I've posted above I'm much more pleasant to be around even my boys notice. I don't let the little things bother me anymore. I don't go back at my W like I used to when she would yell. Except for last week but I apologized the next day which is something I never did in the past. It would take me days to say I'm sorry. I try to talk to her which was a complaint she had. I talk to her with respect. I compliment her when appropriate. As far as hugs or kisses go that's out since she doesn't want them so no pressure there from me. All in all I know I have a way to go and no 25 I'm not giving up so easily. You given me what I needed to see where I'm lacking and I thank you. I have to give it my all and then if she chooses to end it at least I will be a better person and that I gave it my best shot.