Wendylon- He was a pipefitter. No way he could do his job. He literally had destroyed his back. There are 5 ruptured disk in his back. Two low, one mid, and two in his neck. That said though- I feel like if he feels good enough to try to work under the table then he conceivably could do another job. To be honest- I don't think he can or couldn't and sustain it. If that makes sense? He might be able to for a day here or there but long term? No.
I am on wellbutrin. I think though about a week ago I posted- I sort of had a mini breakdown or breakthrough. Not sure what you would want to call it. Something shifted though. I also really prayed and humbled myself. Since then, I've been much better. Today wasn't real fantastic when I got up. I had dreamed about H. He and I were arguing. This is going to sound so dumb but in it I had an old corded telephone in my hand and we were on the phone. Every time he wouldn't acknowledge something or be rude or nasty I would bang the handset of that phone on the wall. lol. So I woke up in a pretty bad mood. Seems as though it has passed though.
I guess I still maybe feel like I haven't been heard or acknowledged. I may always feel that way as far as he is concerned. It's like banging my head against a wall. So, I will stop banging. I just am tired of it all. Tired of his drama. Tired of her. Tired of letting them get in the way of what I need and want. Maybe realistically he can't be that person. Through all of this my kids have been pretty quiet. We had a discussion last night. I said point blank what do you guys want? First, they want me to wait on D. Which is okay. We agreed that if he doesn't file, I will wait until April or May (end of their school year) and reassess. The other thing which was really pivotal for me and helped reinforce my feelings were one of my now D11 (daddy's girl) said - I don't want him to come back if it's like it was before. Out of the mouth of babes right? Me neither. So essentially, the consensus was that for that to ever even be considered he would have to show he changed. So considering how far we are from that I don't see it happening. At this point, he hasn't even acknowledged he's done anything wrong, really. Time will tell. In the meantime, I am just GALing. Going to do my thing. I can't control him or her or that. And I don't want to. What I want is for him to come to it on his own. I WANT him to WANT me. lol Not feel obligated or anything else. Not because of the kids but because of me. How he feels about me. Also, to use that to WANT to make changes within himself and acknowledge the problems in our M and WORK to change them. For me the dream come true would be OW gone- no contact- he back in counseling, and rebuilding R with kids first. Then maybe he and I could talk.
Like I said- we're nowhere near that. I really don't see it happening. That's like fantasy land not reality land. Reality land is that he never changes or acknowledges anything. They stay together for a while but by the time it falls apart I will have moved on and moved away too for that matter. That is what I anticipate will happen.
