Thank you Tori, Wendylon, Labug and Busting for your support. Tori - i like dark very much i feel a lot calmer when there is no H business in the air
i have had a lovely day with my gf. we had lunch, followed by delicious scones; then a beautiful walk in cold crisp air through an old yew tree forest and out into a breathtaking rosy landscape thanks to the clear sky sunset. We stood and stared at the view and i thought - i don't need H nor want his crumbs.
Then when we got back to her house we booked opera tickets to see Pilgrims Progress in london on Saturday and i thought - i don't need H nor want his crumbs.
Labug and Busting - I do need to work on forgiving my Self I think it's all my fault because he left me If I had been better he wouldn't have gone (punished me) If I am good - he will come back and I won't suffer this "punishment" BUT rationally I know I did my best at the time, I didn't know any better. And now I know what I did wrong and I have 180'd so many of my behaviors this past year BUT still he doesn't give me what I need. And I keep making excuses for him But so what if he had a crap upbringing? We all have issues of one sort or another, often due to parenting, but we don't have to choose to be victims. We can own it and move past it.
Wendylon - I do deserve better and I can see this. My problem is I keep forgiving him and making excuses for H behaviour. We can understand his need to run from high emotions as they unsettle him. We can understand his fear of closeness. We can understand his need to autoregulate. We can understand all of that til the cows come home BUT it doesn't change how it screws w my mind and how unfulfilled i am. I always have a choice - sweat out the unsettling period until he comes closer (will he tho?) and we talk about us - or - bin it (not strong enough right now).
As for EAguy, I feel safe around him and we enjoy each others' company. I am not "going there" tho. It would be too complicated. He has been a quiet friend for over 2 years. He doesn't talk much but we keep each other company for various activities. I talked to EAguy last night. I called him because we had text about work yesterday and he said speak later and i didn't want to not do as i said. I felt weird calling him - we don't speak on the phone usually - I didn't tell him I had been sobbing my heart out. And do you know what? Within 5 mins of talking w him about books and Yorkshire, I felt a million times better.
and now i'm thinking - i don't need H nor want his crumbs. I have a great life, lots of friends who think I'm worth talking to and being with. There's nothing wrong w me. I don't need to punish my Self. And there's no added value from H and his crumbs.
I am definitely back on the GAL blanket. I need to keep busy so I don't dwell and think sad thoughts
23hrs of blanket sitting Headstate - neutral
Tori re blog - PM msgs are disabled across site - now what?
