KD, I'm going to come back to your interim posts in a second, because I had already typed this out. So to the earlier posts...
The dog could certainly become less appealing to live with. Take away all the positive aspects and there you have it. It would obviously be a lot more difficult for the elephant to change in a manner that would make living with it more appealing, because the basis of the issues are sort of what an elephant "IS." It couldn't get smaller, eat less or poop less messy. It could bathe frequently to make it smell less badly but that's about it.
The thing is, when I was single and looking for a pet (H), I didn't just fall for the first cute little pet that I came across without putting any thought into it. I knew I wouldn't want to live with an elephant. I dated elephants and giraffes and honey badgers, but opted out, even though I cared for some of them a lot. I knew I wanted a dog. The problem is that H presented himself as a dog. If H would have been the slightest bit honest before we got M'd, I would have recognized him as an elephant and kept on looking.
I think the key point to pull away from my analogy is that I'm not looking for something PERFECT. My dog has traits that are unpleasant, but he's still enjoyable to live with. I've had dogs that weren't. My H doesn't have to be perfect either, just someone in which his positive traits outweigh the bad. And that has to be possible without contorting myself into someone that I don't even recognize.
Sure, I could make it work with the elephant. I could get three jobs so that I could support its eating habits. Or I could leave everyone and everything behind and move to the African Sahara. I could have my smell sensors surgically removed so the stink didn't bother me. I could wear fishing waders to navigate through the dung. I COULD do all these things, but why would I? I spent too many of the early years of our M doing exactly that (contorting myself into someone unrecognizable), all in the name of a "happy M" or "happy H," and I won't do it again.
AJM, my H has been advised that he could be ADD. Several people have suggested it. He has never pursued any diagnosis. I don't believe he did it on purpose either, but his intention doesn't make it any less burdensome when I'm unprepared and have to squeeze in it into my morning routine. His only "behavior against me" is the fact that he hasn't pursued the diagnosis in order to fix it. Before we got M'd, he told me the lesson he learned from his first M was that if "I" have a problem, then "we" have a problem, implying that he would own it too and address it. I have yet to see that played out in real life, but the sales pitch sure sounded good.
Originally Posted By: AJM
Actions on your H's part are coming across as somebody trying to save his marriage but not knowing how.
And this is where I get completely flabbergasted. How can that possibly be????!!! First, he says all I ever do is criticize. It's not true, but let's go with his perspective and assume that he believes he's riddled with daily criticism. So, for example, if I criticize him endlessly and say that he's being irresponsible with money and needs to get more involved, to stop spending on things we don't need, to stop putting the burden on me to bail us out when he can't make the monthly bills, how can he NOT know what to do? How is it okay to go buy a third car, a Lexus, just because he doesn't like to drive the van because he doesn't like how it handles?
The thing is, I'm not even arguing with you. I believe he doesn't know what to do either. In respect to the convo on Friday night that went bad, at the end he asked me what he could do. I was dumbfounded. He had already told me that I spent the whole convo criticizing him. So I asked him to give me a half-dozen examples. He could only give me four. So we went over each one individually. For example, if "criticized" him by saying I don't like his lying (distorting the truth in conversations so that he covers his butt or makes himself look better), then the "thing to do" would be ..... to stop lying? be honest? Stop distorting the truth? What is the mystery?
We went through all four examples. Five minutes later, he asked again what he could do to improve things. It's crazy-making for me.
