Today finds me having a moment.... it started last night. I KNEW something was going on, H had several hushed phone calls, I could hear him say in his annoyed voice, "ok, just keep me posted." I just had this feeling it was about his sister having the baby. I went out into the living room where he was, my happy happy joy joy self and we ended up watching a couple of more episodes of Supernatural. He got another call, scurried off to the bathroom (I guess in the attempt to find the positive, he actually answered the phone in the house while I was there 3 times last night, but I'm not feeling very positive in this moment). I heard him say to whoever, "I'm fine, just tired." When he came back and sat down I asked him if everything was ok. To which he lied, I mean replied yes. So I started playing the episode again.
I kept looking over and I swear he looked like he was trying not to cry! I paused the episode and said, Are you sure everything is ok? He used the Yes, I'm just tired line on me. Which of course he is tired he didn't get home from the movie he went to see Friday night until 2am, which is a big thing for someone who goes to bed at 8 most nights. I started the episode again, trying to remain happy, and not take the lies personally, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not ok with being treated like I am. I'm also not the enemy, and I've had my fill of being treated that way as well.
After that episode I didn't want to watch another one and he was headed off to bed(it was 8:30). So in an attempt to be supportive when he was saying good night to me I said to him,very nicely, "I know something is going on, I'm not stupid. Clearly you don't want to tell me about it but I just wanted to let you know I am here if you need me, if you want to talk or anything or even just a hug." He says to me, "Do you need a hug?' Then kind of hugs me, a strange, barely touch me, like hugging someone you don't want to hug. Then he tells me he knows I am here and everything is fine and his sister is having the baby. I just said ok. And went to "my" room. His sister was due in December btw.
I ended up going downstairs, with my multiple prayer books and my Bible, turned on the tv,but low, in the event he got nosy. I cried, I prayed,I hated his entire family for a bit, I must have exhausted myself because I fell asleep on the couch for awhile. I ended up going back up to bed at 11:30.
This morning, I was laying in bed and H poked his head in and asked if I would be bothered by him turning on the tv, I told him I wouldn't, then he disappeared to the living room. My back has been killing me since last night, my sciatica has apparently decided now would be a good time to act up. So I was doing some press up's on the floor this morning( all the good stuff they showed me to do a few years ago when I went to PT for it).
While I was doing that H was getting ready to leave. He stopped in the doorway and asked if I was ok. I said my back hurts, but I'll be fine. He asked if there was anything he could do, I told him no, I was just doing some press ups. He smiled and said ok I'll let you do your seals or whatever. I started to sit up because my back was really tight and he left. No word about his whore sister or the baby his mother will inevitably fvck up as well, cause 4 of her own children wasn't nearly enough people to fvck up. I wonder will I ever even get to meet my niece? I shouldn't have to wonder such things..... Makes me wonder what lies H has told everyone about our sitch.... what twisted webs he may have weaved and what that means for the future, or doesn't it even matter because H is just going to float out there in MLC-land forever?
Anyway, I had another crying, praying fit this morning, and the thing is I know it's something I need to get the fvck over, but I just can't, or don't know how, or am avoiding working through because it will just be too hard, and frankly I'm exhausted and tired of being the only one working through stuff in this house. Or maybe I feel like if I work through it I have given up hope of having children? IDK. Just a reminder, I have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) it can cause fertility issues, which it has in me, and before BD we had been trying to have a child for a few years, and had been starting to do all of the testing for the PCOS to see what the next steps were to be. This is just such a hard thing for me, and H may be telling himself he does't want kids, but I know that's not true, alien may not want kids but H I married who is buried waaaaay down does. Alien just thinks he'd fvck them up. Gee childhood issues much?
I think I'm just angry too because H has always run away instead of dealing with feeling like a failure. Years ago (2006), right before he got this damn job he hates so much, he was going to leave for no reason, "because he couldn't live like this anymore." My dear friend was there for that one.... that lasted about a couple of weeks, then he got this job and he was fine again. In retrospect perhaps I should have known that was a red flag, but in my defense I was young and stupid.
Before this job we had been living 2 hours away, and he lost the job he had there for a really stupid reason that was not his fault, so we ended up moving back "home" and living with my mom and her BF at the time (the guy she cheated on my dad with, yeah, that svcked, MLC much mother dear?) for several months, then he got this job and we were able to FINALLY move out. This job that he hates soooo much, yet is soooo sickeningly nice to the very co-workers he wants to get away from.
Looking back, clearly the running was related to him feeling like a failure. He had kept apologizing for "letting me down" and such, it's like he wouldn't hear me when I would say he hasn't and that the job wasn't his fault. H has always been broken..... he's been an MLC waiting to freaking happen, and I had no idea. I think the difference between that time and this time was back then I was still happy, positive, it's ok, we will get through this Heather... when he didn't get that job last September he had his heart set on I was depressed, and didn't know it, so not as supportive as I would have been if I had been myself. I know the MLC is not my fault, had a been depressed in 2006 all this crap could have started back then....
The other thing that has me annoyed is he got the invitation to his work Christmas party, which he was going to go to last year, but I practically had an anxiety attack (no lie) about and told him my thoughts on him going. They have it every year at the same hotel.... yeah he wanted to get a room there and didn't see the problem with that, alcohol and not inviting his wife..... So I'm trying not to think about WTH he's going to do this year.... but he must be considering it because he didn't throw away the invitation. I'm damn sure I won't be invited this year either.
I'm so tired of this all..... I wish he'd stop running and work through his issues already. I guess he could be working through stuff and me not know it, but he doesn't talk to me about anything really, nothing of substance really. I keep looking at all the positives, but who knows. I don't trust him, clearly he is a liar. That being said I still miss him and love him. It's all so overwhelming to me right now....and I'm tired of feeling so lonely, and the emotional part is just kicking my butt today. I feel like I need to get away.... just be away from all of this craziness for a few days...
I'm sorry this is so long.... Any thoughts would be appreciated....
I think I need to take a walk... try to clear my head.... Rails to Trails here I come...
