Thanks guys for the advice. I did take my meds and then calmed down by sitting with S14 and talking. Soon as I got sleepy I went to bed. I think really it was the best thing I could do.
Now to deal with H as he comes to see D10s for their birthday.
Holy smokes- anxiety has seized me like a ton of bricks. Seriously. I got so anxious that I then checked all the accounts to see if anything had been paid or changed. Nope. Nothing. I shouldn't have even looked. Why would he contact me and want all that info though if he wasn't going to do anything? That makes no sense. He makes no sense. I need to take one of my pills I guess. Had a good night and day actually. Now I am obsessing over him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I AM on a pretty good path. I need to shut down the negativity in my head. I'm not saying to not be realistic. I am just saying to not build it up in my head. I am going to go try to go to bed. I hope everyone is doing better than I am at this moment. I also think I probably need to start a new thread. That was random. I also had coffee late tonight. Obviously that wasn't my best idea ever.
Okay...I do this too....STOP! Are loans in his name or yours or both? If both then maybe you can have the discussion that your Credit Rating is being impacted and so is his. Is this a pattern or is this new? I sometimes think my H still expects me to do everything as always and makes motions to carry through on things but doesn't (ie D's phone replacement ,S's computer repair, paying some bills etc). I am just not stressing anymore, or at least trying not to. The ball in my stomach says otherwise.
So, you have two choices, leave him hanging and wash your hands, you may never know if it was aborted attempt at more independence for him or if it was some sort of little power struggle; if it is simply he has no money to pay; or he was waiting for you to take over..? It's all mind reading, so I think you have to do what doesn't give you stress. If that means paying the bills etc so be it. If he asks, just say calmly and nicely, this is a big stress for me so I will pay these things...if he wants to take care of cells, he can go ahead. He doesn't pay, he explains to kids, not you. If cells get cut, you just say Dad was taking care of these, so you can ask him. Not accusingly, just say you don't know.
You ARE on a good path and you have given me a lot of strength myself as I see you navigate these waters. ((())))
Thanks all! So he did come over here. It was weird. As always. Weird in that he says he is afraid of me. Basically he was saying he wants to work (under the table) and still get his disability. He knows that is not acceptable to me. Frankly, because I then would be guilty of fraud. In the state of KY that could of course bar me from a nursing license and I take that and my future very seriously especially now. So he says I can't even work because of you. I said actually, you can't work because you are supposed to be disabled. If you feel you can work then you are welcome to contact Social Security and let them know and go back to work. I would be happy to work with you on child support. Again, he says I can't work because of you. One of the things he is mad about is money.
Yesterday I believe was an excuse to contact me. It could have waited until today or really any time .
He came in- I had forgotten about my flowers on the table. He checked those out. Then he sort of tried to walk back through the house like he was looking to see what if anything was different and that sort of thing. Our house is your typical 80's brick ranch with the long hallway and bedrooms off it. It was obvious to me that was what he was doing.
Really the only thing I said to him before he left was that I am not his enemy. Which really that is the role he has me pegged in. I didn't follow him around. Didn't ask any questions except the one about him being afraid. I only asked because the kids didn't want to leave and he kept insisting they go up to his dads. Finally, I said are you afraid of me or something? Then he said that about the disability.
Ruby- The only things I have paid are things which pertain to the kids and I (utilities, dish, water, that sort of thing) as far as joint accounts the only one is my car payment. I have been paying because H is irresponsible. He always has been. All of the things that are in his name only I have turned over to him. I had already pretty much done his budget and know how much he has left over. Essentially- none. She will be paying for him - especially now that he is behind. No idea how in the world he will even afford to get them a Christmas gift. Basically, I have always done the bulk of the providing and the budget. All of it. He had no idea. Even while in school I worked full time and went to school full time and then tried to take care of kids, him, and the house. No wonder I was resentful. Anyway, so he had no clue about his finances. I guess it's not the perfect world away that he imagined. I also bet that closer to Christmas he starts really reconsidering due to money. Money is important to him. Very important and frankly there were times that he made me feel so inadequate that I didn't make enough because he couldn't buy something he wanted. He grew up with quite a bit of money and never really learned to fend for himself and actually take care of himself financially.
I on the other hand grew up very poor so can pinch a penny til it bleeds. lol I have also always always worked until this past summer when it was decided that I would stop working and we could "get by" for this last year of my schooling. Apparently, he resented that decision too.
So here we are now. Money is the current issue and for him his situation is not likely to change unless he chooses to go back to work full time. Otherwise, he will have to depend on OW to take care of him and I really don't think she makes that much money. Last I heard she was a cashier at a gas station. lol. I shouldn't laugh. There is no shame in honest work. I guess I laugh because I feel like there is shame in being content with that and never trying to do better.
So that was the day. He did come up here and get the a/c he had left sitting on my deck and put them into storage. Seems he is sort of back to doing things. He also stopped by the store and got me a thing of baby oil to clean off the brazilian hair wax D12 got all over my bathroom. I did call and ask him to get it though. I didn't think he really would but he agreed. Anyway, it was a sticky nightmare. I am happy to report I can actually touch things in there again. lol Never a dull moment I can say that for it, if nothing else.
Melissa, good for you for sticking to your guns on the disability. It's ridiculous for him to say that he can't work because of you. Well done for you not buying it!
You sound much more relaxed today, more detached. That's good. (())
I agree with crazy and tori...good for you sticking to your guns and bad bad woman for having moral and ethical boundaries about cheating the government...:P Very proud of you and I can just imagine you are going to be one amazingly empathetic and competent nurse
Geez...as for the wax....lmao, I KNOW getting that stuff off is crazy....
good for you sticking to your guns and bad bad woman for having moral and ethical boundaries about cheating the government...:P
I know, right? Geez. Its like use your head for something besides a hat rack already! I AM much calmer. Not sure why. Well yes I am but really I have decided to just let it go. The other thing is that after him being here today I just feel like things aren't completely done. I'm still optimistic. It was like he was scoping things out but really I kinda knew that already.
I AM more detached. Noticed today we went by his friends house and for the first time in about 2 years I didnt look to see if H was there. And I didn't even realize until after the fact!! Yay me!!
I suspect the AD meds are kicking in and I have just accepted that for the time being if I need the anxiety med then I just need them and there's no shame in it. Do what I gotta do for the time being. Right now I only take them to help me sleep anyway. Thanks guys for checking in. Your support helps a lot. Helps to know if I am doing the right thing.
The wax was just insane. It was EVERYWHERE! Of course none of them would fess up to it. The only way to get it off was the baby oil which then made it a slippery nightmare. Lol my hands are now nice and soft though!
cheating the gov't, that's us, the taxpayers. It takes courage to say no.
The greatest value of your meds is in giving you the headspace to work on you. Help yourself get out of the trap. And a word of advice, if you're going into nursing you need to figure this stuff out. You can't help others if you can't help yourself.
I was trying to think of a good KY joke, not knowing you well, the best I could come up with is:
What's the best thing to come out of KY?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Lol not sure bug. I actually have a wonderful sense of humor although it had taken leave of absence for a bit. Lol back now though :-) always up for a KY joke. This place hasn't been very kind to me. I'm isolated her and as such I play the perfect delendent role. As for working on this stuff I totally agree. I actually intend to go into psych nursing so it's even more imperative that I work on me.
