You have hit it on the head as I see it as the HD spouse. All of you suggestions are right on the money. I would expand #2 to also included different types of hugs. Friends hug each other from the front. Hug from the back sit on each others lap to hug, etc.
I would also emphasize #3. Anticipation for me is an incredible experience. Since we don't ML very often, I often catch myself thinking "I don't want this to end" while ML to my W. If you can prolong this period by letting your H know that its coming for a few hours. It could certainly improve his disposition.
Desire is the key to satisfying a HD'r. I think HD should stand for;
H)igh D)esire
Not high drive.
If my spouse wants me, then I am a happpy man who will bang down the gates of hell to get her what she wants...
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
WOW! Thanks for all the responses!! Honeypot and LL, thanks so much for the number by number items... I consider myself to be an intelligent woman, but honest to god, the number by number suggestions really, really help me... as these are things I CAN do with enthusiasm because I love my H... but because of my LD mind, I just don't THINK of them.
I hear everyone else, too, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the thoughtful responses. The repeating pattern here is PASSION/DESIRE first and foremost, and frequency, frequency, frequency.
I was thinking about what you all have said, and maybe my recent experience might help some of you.
For the last three weeks, I have been working hard, hard, hard, one might say passionately, on a research project that started about a year and a half ago. I hit a major break through and threw myself into it with an energy that would make most pitbulls feel like a poodle.
I was very, very excited, and I wanted my H to share that excitment with me. I would show him my work, explain my findings, and all I'd get from him were grunts, half-hearted approvals, and a lot of "I don't get what the big deal is here..." responses from him.
God, that KILLED me. His lack of response to MY passion is the same thing that I think you are all talking about. So what I was doing wasn't real high on HIS priority list, but damn it, it was high on mine, so couldn't he show just a bit of enthusiasm, a bit of interest... just a little, just because it was important to ME?
Are there any things your spouses do that could be similar, and maybe you can all reciprocate passions?
Anyway, though I do not feel the physical cravings that you all do, I certainly am passionate about making my marriage work, and helping my H in any way I can feel loved. Jesus, I love being with the man, that's why I am in this marriage for God's sakes, but my means of expression and his means of expression just don't always equate.
So I'm learning the language guys, though all this stuff may seem blatantly obvious to you, believe me, it isn't so crystal clear to me... and I want to thank you again for trying to help me understand....
As far as I am concerned, you are a goddess! I am so glad you posted this stuff. It gives me hope since your's and my wife's experience has been so similar.
I have to keep reminding myself of what you said about these things not coming naturally to LDrs. It is really frustrating but I try to remember.
All the advice in this thread is right on the money. It is all about expressing desire for your spouse. Desire!!!...not just willingness.
They say the devil is in the details, the little stuff. Well, I think heaven is in the details as well. You can do all the "big stuff" right but no one who knows you is going to buy it if the little stuff isn't there too. Without the little stuff, the big gestures are certainly appreciated, but you never forget that the underlying reality is the LDr really doesn't want to be there, even if they really do.
This makes me a little sad because I have greatly appreciated all of the advice you give here. If you keep up what you are doing and incorporate the suggestions in this thread, well, I doubt you will be hanging around this board anymore. :-)
One thing that is tricky here, and maybe your spouse is struggling with this, is that when the HDr has been "rejected" so much for so long it becomes very hard to maintain interest in much else. Personally, I try to make myself interested, even....especially...when I don't want to, because I always want my wife to know I am impressed with her. Perhaps this might be something to discuss with your man.
By the way, does he know you post here? Does he read some of the incredible things you write? Does he have any real idea how hard this has been for you or how hard you have been working to overcome it? Does he know what great things that other people who are in his shoes think about the things you say here?
You posted something from a marriage builders website that I wonder if you try. Something about rebuilding desire by taking time out every single day, relaxing, and thinking about sex. I think this is HUGELY important. Have you tried that at all?
Wow, it just keeps striking me anew... God, I'm glad I found this place.
Everyone here has it right - it's the desire, often more than the actual physical act, that makes it work. For me, anyway. Though the act itself is definitely important. (-;
One thing I wanted to mention, though I don't know if it'd apply to y'all because we don't have kids yet. :-D But one specific example of something my H started doing that made a *big* difference to me is that when we're sitting down talking with people, or watching a movie with friends (or the kids, perhaps?), he'll sit close to me and put an arm around me. If it's darkish, and not going to be noticed by anybody around us, he'll run his fingers across the back of my neck. (I'll play with his hair or ears if we're in opposite roles.) It's something minor, and something both of us know won't go anywhere else, but it's physical contact that's worked in, and it feels nice both on a physical level and in its ability to reassure me that he wants to touch me. (-: He also makes sure to walk brushing-close to me when we walk together, or even to hold my hand. :-D
I don't know how it would work the other way around on guys, but it might could help. (-:
A minor caveat, though, at least that I experienced... As the HD spouse, I tend to get... well... not quite desperate, more defensive, really, but it used to be that when he did touch me I REALLY easily jumped into high-mode, just to make sure not to miss an opportunity that might not present itself for another month. It took me a while and a lot of effort to train myself to not jump into horny mode when he started doing the little things more. So... yeah, definitely let him know what you're trying. It's really frustrating for a while, but once I realized he wasn't suddenly about to *stop* touching me, I learned to relax and really just appreciate the effort he's put in.
Hopefully your H will be able to do the same with your efforts - it's really wonderful that you're thinking about and working on it. (-:
Good luck!
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
Corri, I applaud your efforts to please your husband. I read the posts that every one posted and felt everyone made good points. I was hurt for you though that he did not show interest and enthusiam for your project. That was like not wanting to make love to you! I had a big project going a few years ago at my former job and sometimes he was very disinterested and I took that as a rejection of me!!
Anyway - ways to please him outside the bedroom:
I like to cook very special meals for him and serve it to him along with his drink, napkin, fork and knife - his own personal servant. I myself get pleasure from doing this - it is not something he demands/expects me to do but I do it because I like to "spoil" him.
I watch his favorite TV programs with him and discuss them with him. I know more about motorcycles than I ever thought I would - and golf too. I try to share in the things that he feels passionate about. He likes to play blackjack and he watches some of that on cable occassionally. I ask him questions about blackjack and I couldn't really care less - I am not a gambler - but he enjoys it (and he wins! and shares it with me - I got a Ben Franklin 3 weeks ago!!! Yea for me - was not as good as sex but it was ok!) Anyway - my point is that I try to share his own special interests with him.
He absolutely adores lemon squares from Starbucks - when I go for a latte I always bring him home 3 for a treat. I tease him that I am going to eat part of one just to tease him and got chased around the kitchen yesterday - that was nice - it is just a little game we play.
I will rub his back for him, run my fingers through his hair, tell him I think he hasn't changed a bit in 25 years - that to my eyes he is still the 24 year old stud muffin I met in 1979.
I will send him e-mails that that end with "all my love". I call him at work just to ask him how his day is going and if he would like something special for dinner.
Back before LD entered - I would ask him what he wanted for dessert and he knew I wasn't talking about cheesecake!
If he is outside working in the yard I will trot out there with something cold to drink or at night I will make him his tea that he likes to drink.
I guess in some ways it is like being his own little gisha girl but I do it because I want to - I like pampering him.
These are little non-sexual ways of saying I love you to my husband. Hope this helps some - I have enjoyed your posts and feel you have so much to offer others.
Not much to add here becos you've gotten great advice so far. And of course the key word is DESIRE. Genuine desire is even more important than frequency. You could try so very hard to up the frequency but if you're not really there your H will know and then you will have the sitch where you think "Hey, I'm trying real hard, how come you're still not satisfied" while he thinks nothing has really changed at all.
So how can you show him you desire him? Not by the frequency of sex but by the other little things. They won't take up too much time and it will make him feel really good.
- turn your good morning, good night or greet him at the door kisses to passionate kisses rather than just a peck. - write him sexy love mails (its okay if you don't follow through on that day itself, remember its desire and not so much the act itself that does it for the HDers) - lounge about the house in sexy, skimpy outfits he'll love and grope him when you have the chance. (not easy with kids around of course but try). He will love that you are dressing up just for him! I don't see any reason why one should dress up only when going out with friends etc, dressing up just for your H will make him feel really special. - touch, touch and more touch, rub his back, massage his feet, hands, head, body. No need to be sexual if you don't feel like it, it can be a relaxing massage that will send him off to dreamland happily. - have a shower together. Hey it saves time and you can chat about your day. (Don't worry, it need not translate to sex every time. Just being playful and showing him that you DESIRE him is enough.) - play with his hair, look into his eyes when you speak, trace his lips, and give him your full attention - and on those days that you really, really don't feel like it, take a rain check. Mercy sex makes the HD feel really bad. It reinforces their thinking that the LD spouse really has no desire for them.
Corri, its really great your being here. Your H is such a lucky lucky man. Do try out some of the suggestions you find in this thread and remember to report back to us. Can you see us all biting our nails in anticipation to see how it turns out for you? Oh and remember to tell your H too about how dissapointed you were that he did not share your passion for your project. You deserve the enthusiasm and support from him too.
The book below I found would be the perfect guide to how bring me happiness. It explains perfectly how my life works and what is required to make it whole. If my wife did the things that are RECOMMENDED in this book, I would have a permanent smile on my face. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how any LD/ND female could EVER handle the suggestions in this book. It will definitely be a loooooong reach for a ND female.
In marriages, the LD spouse is basically ALWAYS in control, and this REALLY bothers the HD spouse. Some men refer to this as like "Going to the Candy store and begging Mommy for a piece of Candy. Mommy holds all the power". Eventually the man's own pride kicks in and they stop "Begging" for it. This is when "Growing Apart" truly kicks in. To put it bluntly, when us HD guys ask for attention, we eventually give up asking and move on. He sounds like MOST men in his situation, his need is NOT being met, but rather then bring it up anymore, he has just GIVEN up and is now crawling back into his cave(this is what guys do).
What to do:
First, know that this is NOT about sex or the acts themselves, it is about YOUR desire to do them. MEN HATE TO BE PATRONIZED. Intimacy and sex can happen any time, but they are ONLY FULLFILLING when BOTH partners WANT it!!! DESIRE IS EVERYTHING, not the acts themselves. Kiss your man many times a day, with an occasional Passionate kiss each day. Pat him on the butt. Come up behind him and run your hands across his chest. Press your body against him. LINGER, LINGER, LINGER! Be willing to touch him EVERYWHERE at anytime, try to sneak in this fondling IN PUBLIC, to let him know you are thinking of him.
As far as sex, if your husband wants sex 3 times a week, make sure to at least get in twice a week. Now here is the real problem with LD's having sex, they don't LINGER. They want to get it done so they can role over and get back to sleep. FORGET THE SLEEP! You need to have a seesion of love making every week where you linger over the sex, meaning that it should take a hour or two, not 10 minutes. ML, then caress, then ML again, then caress, then ML again, etc.. There might even be a surprise in this for you, in between the ML, you could have some UNBELEIVABLE conversations with your husband while you hold the most important 6 inches of his manhood in your hands. Men are intimate conversationalists AFTER sex, not before. Literally, you will be holding his MANHOOD in your hands. Become BEST friends with it (the book above helps on this).
Initiae sex with him, a lot. If he asks for sex and your just not in the mood, do not say no, only set up a time in the NEAR future to actually get together for it. When you say no, you are completely rejecting him as a person in his eyes, even if he does not realize it at that time. NEVER, EVER make on that you are only doing ANY of these things to just please him. That means in words OR body language. If I ML to my wife when I know she is only doing this to please me, SHE GETS NO BROWNIE POINTS FROM ME. But when SHE initiates and does these things because she wants to, THESE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY MARRIAGE. It is an unbelievable EGO boost to me.
Something else I have seen with my wife, is that they seem to think in terms of weather THEY want to have sex. I as the HD man, see the pleasure I receive from sex as SECONDARY. My true pleasure is derived from giving my wife orgasams, not my own. A man's self worth is measured by how he can please a woman sexually (It's in the book). This is why men feel so rejected by LD spouses, as we see them as NOT wanting to give us the ultimate, the most intense, the most initmate pleasure imaginable. We don't care hoo good you are at these things, we just want you to enthusiastically please us.
One other thing that I think is VERY important. Sleep NAKED every night and cuddle with your man. If you can't be naked in bed with the hubby, how can either of you be open with each other? You need lot's of NAKED, NON-SEXUAL time together. This is especially helpful to show the woman that the guy can be very open with her, while NOT wanting sex, and it helps to release the OXYTOXINS(sp?) in both of their bodies. I REALLY miss this with my wife.
Let's face it, most men want wives that are "Christian Sluts". They want women that act very "Slutty", but only for them.
P.S., there is a book "Secrets About Women Every Man Should Know" that should be required reading for all HD guys out there. Funny how the guide for women is twice as many pages, with larger pages, with much smaller print. I would guess that the instuctions on how to reach our ladies is 4 times longer then the Man's user guide above. I have read it once, but I am going to read it again, make some highlights, maybe even take some passages and post them around the house to REMIND me of what to do (and not to do).
I could crawl up and cry right now. The outpouring here just takes my breath away, because in reading all of your posts, I realize that I USED to do many of these things, all the time, and for whatever reason... laziness, demands on time, kids... whatever, I stopped doing them, not realzing how much I was hurting him in the process. Believe me, I swear, it was never in the intent to hurt him. And I don't think any of your spouses are trying to hurt you. They just don't realize... and that is the supreme pity of it all because with everything you are saying, this is sooooo easy, and perfectly within your spouses' power to fix.
Meat, my H often read my posts here, so yes, he knows about the board and he encourages me to use it... just not when he is at home.
CeMar, thank you again for the references. I did get the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and I do intend to read it. But with all your responses here, I'm not so sure I need to. Isn't is a shame, but I never thought about sleeping naked. How liberating that would be.
Hairdog, msm, TrainGuy, NOPkins, Lina, Neicie, Luvhubby, honeypot, LL, CeMar... I could just
{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}}
ALL of you.
Okay, I've gotta go make a game plan. I can't start ALL of this at once, or I'm afraid he's just going to think it's short-term, and I guess I really couldn't blame him.
I'm taking notes, kids, believe me. Thank you all so much. I love every single one of you.
Quote: Okay, I've gotta go make a game plan. I can't start ALL of this at once, or I'm afraid he's just going to think it's short-term, and I guess I really couldn't blame him
Corri,
He probably will think that it is short term - or some ulterior motive. But stick with it! From my personal experience, within the last couple of weeks, my W has given me the occasional butt squeeze or somewhat passionate hug or kiss (even asked for one for her goonight kiss two days ago). And I've got to say it gives me emotional hope!
So I'll say it again, what ever little steps you start with, keep doing them even if you don't see an immediate response. You will get through eventually.
