Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[labug]

Suddenly things become much more scheduled and less spontaneous when a little kiddo is in the picture.

You may not feel like it was "old married couple" but do you know how she feels?

Yes, it's not easy but the marital relationship should come first because without that, everything is more difficult for your child. I know you can't change where you are right now with the M but it's something to think about.

I understand the sleep issue, I need 8 hrs or I become very crabby. Go out when you can sleep later the next day. There's a solution for every problem.

[someguy1233]

Suddenly things become much more scheduled and less spontaneous when a little kiddo is in the picture.

You may not feel like it was "old married couple" but do you know how she feels?

Yes, it's not easy but the marital relationship should come first because without that, everything is more difficult for your child. I know you can't change where you are right now with the M but it's something to think about.

I understand the sleep issue, I need 8 hrs or I become very crabby. Go out when you can sleep later the next day. There's a solution for every problem.

I agree. The marital relationship needs to come first. We went to a handful of MC sessions about six months ago. The MC talked about the balance between "me time," "us time," and "S time.". W had no problem balancing her time with S time. But she couldn't fit US time in without feeling guilty that she wasn't with S. I don't think she ever worked through that.

[someguy1233]

Today W is CRABBY. She applied for a few jobs this morning. I guess she's found some sort of "pull" to do something. Unfortunately I seem to be the target of whatever frustrations she's having.

We went to meet up with my family as planned. She was nice to everyone else, but barely speaks to me.

We're supposed to go to the thanksgiving gathering with her volunteer group his evening. I'm trying hard to put myself into DB overdrive and be the happy, outgoing, and silly. It's tough with the walls of crabbiness she's built today. I wish I could just stay home and avoid it altogether.

[leopoldstotch]

SG hang in there. There is nothing you can do about her anger. I understand how you feel makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells. Whenever my W gets like this I quietly tell myself to let her be angry there's nothing I can do about it plus for all you know her anger may have nothing to do with you. We happen to be the closest to our S so we get their wrath.

[someguy1233]

As we drove to W’s volunteer group Thanksgiving dinner she continued to be CRABBY. I sang with the radio. I continued to be happy and not let her mood control me. She finally stopped being crabby shortly before we arrived to the event. It was a good time with lots of great food.

We left the dinner a little early and since we had a babysitter I asked if W wanted to stop and grab a drink. We went to an old bar we used to hang out at years ago. I was having fun, and then W wanted to talk AGAIN! She seems to bring up these conversations frequently.

*She said I’m a great guy. She has fun times when she’s around me.
*She says she can’t move beyond sometimes snuggling. She can’t get herself to have sex. She said the lack of sex must be hard for me. She said it was hard for her.
*She said she’s terrified of making any decisions. She can’t decide if she should stay home with S instead of working full-time. She can’t decide what to do about our R. She’s terrified she could make a wrong decision. She said that back when she was talking about separation and moving out she was VERY serious. But now she just can’t decide.
*She said she’s always felt depression on and off throughout her life.
*She did comment that she was thinking about seeing IC.
*She seemed to be very concerned about me… she said it must be really hard for me not knowing what's going on with my relationship and that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop… Also not knowing how my relationship is going to be day to day.
*She asked if I thought about how things would be/work if we split. I told her I hadn't thought about it and that I've been focused on working on myself. (had this same exchange before!) This time she replied with, “ok well off the cuff. How would it work?” I said I really wasn’t sure. She let it slide.
*She complimented me on my new coat and sweater.
*As we were heading home she scratched my arm and said, “thanks I had fun tonight.”

This morning she wore her ring to work for the first time since BD. (Also note, possible OM no longer works in her office)

This morning I noticed that she changed her FB cover photo. Shortly after BD she changed all her pictures to photos without me. She changed it to a family picture of me, her, and S.

[labug]

Go slow, don't scare the squirrel.

But if she asks again what S would look like, you might describe the reality in a matter of fact way.

[someguy1233]

Go slow, don't scare the squirrel.

I'm not changing a thing... I shall continue my same behaviors! I've gotten excited in the past and scared her away or just set myself up for a let down.

[someguy1233]

GAL- tomorrow I made plans to go out with a friend for happy hour after work. My goal is to not talk about W at all.

I shall be the person I've been learning about in How to Win Friends and Influence People. The person I want to be is genuinely interested in others. I plan to shut my mouth about myself.

[labug]

Good practice.

[leopoldstotch]

SG you are doing great. Glad to hear you are going out tomorrow night. Enjoy yourself.
Now the way I see it is your W is temp checking. Seems she asks you quite a bit about how you are handling all this. I could be wrong but I'm sensing that she could be thinking she's losing you. If she asks you again about how things would work if you split you should be matter of fact. Now I don't know your state laws but if it were me I would I would tell her that since she wants to split you would take the house you would do what it takes to keep or if she wouldn't agree to that then say well we would sell it and get our own places. She's probably will try to tell to that you are putting your children out on the street or something to that effect all in order to guilt you into giving her the house. I know this because my W tried that on me last year and I refused to move based on her wanting to end our M. She even wanted me to help her pay for bills house her truck payment if I would have given her what she wanted. Plus shes entitled to a big chunk of my retirement. I said no lets be realistic here I would pay for my youngest S 15 and that's all because I would need a place to live and my obligation to you would be over. In PA we don't have alimony and my W has a full time job and makes good money. I also reminded her that she would have to get her own insurance but I would keep our sons on my insurance. It was a calm normal conversation but I was able to see that she was trying to get eveything she wanted. Imagine SG me giving her the house paying for my son (that I have no problem with he's my son) helping her pay for mortgage truck payment utilities. She asked me how she was supposed to afford all that. I told her she would have to figure that out just like I would because I would be starting all over again. She was really mad at me by the time we were finished the discussion but I was just being realistic about everything. So if your W brings that up again that is how can handle it. Of course I don't know how your state handles alimony or spousal support. Just present her the facts.

I noticed she told you she thinks she's depressed and that she is thinking of see someone about it. Depression is a very serious problem but you cannot pressure her to see someone about. Just tell her you think its a good idea.

Keep doing what you are doing. No R talk unless she brings it up. Talk to her when she wants since she told you she doesn't like you being quiet. You have a great opportunity here your W seems to be very open with you which most of here would die for. Dont give up bud I really think you can draw her back to you. Hang in there and dont sweat the small stuff.