I think the biggest issue for me here is that when I explain to him that he did something that hurt my feelings, his response always begins with, "I know, but...(defend, defend, defend.)" So maybe the truth is that I CAN trust him, but I can trust him to continue to do the same things that hurt me before because he doesn't see it as a problem. That doesn't foster intimacy and safety.
In its most simplistic form, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He acknowledges that matching his actions to his words is a big problem for him, has been as long as he can remember. Thurs night, I said in a lighthearted way that I'd give him a dollar if he'd check S12's homework because I was so tired and needed to go to bed. He said he would. Friday morning it was unchecked, he had forgotten. This was not a mistake, this is a way of life with him. Is this unclear somehow? Is this unreasonable? Expecting too much?
Is your H ADD? What you describe there sounds like he could be. It's not that he didn't promise and expect to do what he said he would. He didn't. That sounds more ADD than behavioral or "against" you. Possible?
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Could you please expound upon the actions vs. cause?
Sure. I "knew" the actions to help her and give her what she "asked" for (without really using words). The actions were actions for her sake. I didn't know the cause. She wanted out as if her a** was on fire and her head was catching (I still don't know "why"). I didn't realize that when she re-remembered our past that it wasn't anything to do with me or the death of her nephew. I didn't realize it was her wanting out, but I heard the words she used and for a while believed it was about me and my imperfections. She came up with all kinds of stories that she revised many times about what I had done wrong. I see now that very little was to do with me. I'm not perfect. But I also didn't do even close to the things she accused me of. It was her perspective (which she remembers very little of now). I watched as she came up with many stories to justify the affair and the leaving. My "actions" were in response, largely. Once I knew what the bigger picture, my actions became more authentic and my changes became for me. That's when they became real.
In the end, there was only one change that was related to why she said she "hardened her heart" and left me and the kids. Even that, I found through counseling, was a bad response to her behavior. I changed it because it was a bad response and I don't like that about me. No excuses, but I figured out what the root cause was. Only then was I able to change that.
My motives all along were always for what I viewed as the best. Even when it came to dealing with her and her issues amidst the accusations and re-remembering of our 20 years together.
Change happens because you have to adapt. Real change happens because you want to. Action is just action, but motives make all the difference. Actions on your H's part are coming across as somebody trying to save his marriage but not knowing how. That's partially because he is not the only one in the relationship. It's also be cause he cannot do it alone. Takes two.
But there's more to the story. Much more that we cannot see. Right?
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What motives? His? Mine?
Both
Does that help?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
