Thanks Tori for dropping in. i thought the trip would be good for me too the 48hrs i spent w my gf was good (lovely house, lovely food, lovely landscape, lovely wine) esp as i was able to talk about my sitch on an off over that time and explore my thoughts w someone BUT at the same time it probably stirred up feelings that i have tried to ignore. ESP as she has an amazing lifestyle w a great guy (2nd marriage). She said she was able to ask for D as she no longer loved her H. She recognised that I still have deep connection w my H even tho I don't see him and that is what makes it hard for me to move on.
So i am torn between my head and my heart and until i can make sense of this for my Self, i AM going to be in limbo. BUT as long as i focus on GAL and practice DB rules then my emotions will settle down and one day (if H doesn't step up and claim me) i will be able to stop this emotional punishment and put this guilty burden down (I'm going to see my IC this week)
in joining the board, i started picking my Self up and was edging closer to done and then he got in touch. i worry that was our last chance and I've totally blown it BUT if that's where we are then so be it.
i felt calmer after i sent that text last night (2030hrs). i needed to tell him how i felt and ask him to tell me what he wants. i have no expectations that he will answer so i will take the silence as his answer.
i don't want to end my M but i don't want to live like this anymore. i know i let my Self get back on the ride. If I had just held my Self together and listened to everyone's advice i wouldn't have ended up an emotional heap. i have given him 2yrs to sort himself out. my patience is because i love him unconditionally. BUT why are his emotional needs more important than my own?
i so need some boundaries - HELP PLEASE
i am going dark now it may hurt but i am going there i know it's for the best in the long run
i don't know what to do if H gets in touch so i'm not going to do anything when/if he does that isn't a game - it's a timeout i need one
time to get ready - it's a lovely day here and i am seeing a gf for a walk and a cream tea 14hrs of blanket sitting Headstate - neutral
Tumbling, it seems you are already setting boundaries by going dark and asking for a concrete response from your H. You sound more composed and at peace.
The dark feelings might come back, but they'll go away again. Just give them time.
I have to say that I'm amazed that you're waited this long. Your H's crumbs look few and far between. You must be starving. I like the sound of the EA guy.
This is obviously lots of projection on my part because I don't really know your sitch but at the moment I don't feel your H deserves you. I really like the idea of you going seriously dark. You have nothing to lose.
Since I've followed your sitch, he's caused you lots of heartbreak because of what he doesn't do and say. In some ways, it's probably harder to pinpoint than if he were overtly hostile because it's what he doesn't do that is hurtful.
Enjoy the lovely day, Tumbling. You deserve it.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Hi Tumbling, I hope that you are feeling a little better. I am sorry you are feeling these emotions (((( ))))
I agree. Leave H to be for awhile. Use the time for yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself Tumbling. Yes, we do have to own up to our own shortcomings and contributions to the demise of our M's, but it can't all be on one person. Maybe work on forgiving yourself first.
Am here for you...sitting on the blanket. Lets talk about other things. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Tori, Wendylon, Labug and Busting for your support. Tori - i like dark very much i feel a lot calmer when there is no H business in the air
i have had a lovely day with my gf. we had lunch, followed by delicious scones; then a beautiful walk in cold crisp air through an old yew tree forest and out into a breathtaking rosy landscape thanks to the clear sky sunset. We stood and stared at the view and i thought - i don't need H nor want his crumbs.
Then when we got back to her house we booked opera tickets to see Pilgrims Progress in london on Saturday and i thought - i don't need H nor want his crumbs.
Labug and Busting - I do need to work on forgiving my Self I think it's all my fault because he left me If I had been better he wouldn't have gone (punished me) If I am good - he will come back and I won't suffer this "punishment" BUT rationally I know I did my best at the time, I didn't know any better. And now I know what I did wrong and I have 180'd so many of my behaviors this past year BUT still he doesn't give me what I need. And I keep making excuses for him But so what if he had a crap upbringing? We all have issues of one sort or another, often due to parenting, but we don't have to choose to be victims. We can own it and move past it.
Wendylon - I do deserve better and I can see this. My problem is I keep forgiving him and making excuses for H behaviour. We can understand his need to run from high emotions as they unsettle him. We can understand his fear of closeness. We can understand his need to autoregulate. We can understand all of that til the cows come home BUT it doesn't change how it screws w my mind and how unfulfilled i am. I always have a choice - sweat out the unsettling period until he comes closer (will he tho?) and we talk about us - or - bin it (not strong enough right now).
As for EAguy, I feel safe around him and we enjoy each others' company. I am not "going there" tho. It would be too complicated. He has been a quiet friend for over 2 years. He doesn't talk much but we keep each other company for various activities. I talked to EAguy last night. I called him because we had text about work yesterday and he said speak later and i didn't want to not do as i said. I felt weird calling him - we don't speak on the phone usually - I didn't tell him I had been sobbing my heart out. And do you know what? Within 5 mins of talking w him about books and Yorkshire, I felt a million times better.
and now i'm thinking - i don't need H nor want his crumbs. I have a great life, lots of friends who think I'm worth talking to and being with. There's nothing wrong w me. I don't need to punish my Self. And there's no added value from H and his crumbs.
I am definitely back on the GAL blanket. I need to keep busy so I don't dwell and think sad thoughts
23hrs of blanket sitting Headstate - neutral
Tori re blog - PM msgs are disabled across site - now what?
Tumbling- I hate that you had a bad day. Do you think you were asking H for hope when you sent that last text?
I personally think you need to go completely dark. For me I really sort of need that time to just be me. Get my focus back and not be concerned about H. You are right. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not choose this. You did not do this. Don't beat yourself up. I believe once you really work through your emotions what is right for you will be obvious. I never could separate my feelings so long as I still was having contact. Too many mixed signals. Fact is, you have to look at what they actually do and realistically say to yourself - things haven't changed for H and can I accept that? Or things have changed and this is what I want. Once you decide that you will be able to move forward again.
Hi MKB. Thanks for dropping in. I don't know if it was hope. The beginning of the text was about wanting him to stop making me feel bad (i know it's my reaction to his behavior - not h - but...)- the end of the text? well, looking back it was about asking permission to stop standing. Goodness i'm messed up if I can't just drop the rope.
Now the tears are tumbling again. Never mind. They are only tears. You're right - I can't work out what is best for me when he is around me. I've demonstrated that recently.
Tumbling tears are okay. Don't beat your self up over it. Natural reaction. If you didn't grieve I would be more concerned. So are you trying to check with H to see if it is okay? Because you just said it. It's NOT dropping the rope.
It's not GAL, it's not letting go, and it's not being the best you IF you are asking his permission to do ANYTHING!! You see what I am saying? So you know what you need to do. I read on here the other day - "Hope is not a plan" Bam. It's not and that hit me like a ton of bricks.
If you are thinking you need to move on then do so. Do this for you. Not him. Trust me.
My S14 and I had a convo in the car today. He says Mama - Dad can't resist you - when you are you. Hmmmm. That's powerful. Yes, people change but at our core the same attributes that attracted him to you haven't changed. Let them out! Be YOU!
Although not for him but for YOU. Be true to yourself. If that means dropping the rope then drop it. If you need to change the phone number or block calls. Block texting, whatever, you need to do to get over the hump then do so.
This isn't about him anymore. Never was. Or never should have been. This is ALL about you! Or at least that was always my take on what DB was all about. You know what I mean- I don't mean in a selfish way.
Tumbling, hang in there, and don't worry about the sad feelings showing up again, and again. It's the way it goes, I guess.
It sounds like you had a nice time with your friend.
The EA guy is good as a friend. You're right about keeping things that way.
It stinks that PM are disabled! I'd love to read your blog. I'll check my settings again. Worse case scenario, I'll set a temporary email account so you can send the link to me.
Headstate - neutral