The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks everyone. Subguy, To be honest my first thought was "what a terrible idea" Yeah,.. ummm, It's terrible because I can't see myself actually doing it lol It really is a good idea though, If I look past my own excuses.

I actually do see friends for usually at least half an hour a day, when i don't work. We have a "Mothers meeting" most mornings/afternoons after picking up/dropping off the kids. I went to a friends party a few weeks ago. It's more like driving in areas where I'm not sure where I'm going etc

Well, that didn't happen today, subguy. H was supposed to drop the kids off around 4pm, Well they were knocking on the door by 10:30AM H wanted to use the PC. He hung around for a few hours. At one point we were outside and I went to come back in and H was standing in the door way, He didn't move so I poked him with my finger lol He said " I thought you were coming up to kiss me or something" I said "Why would I kiss you? You don't want me to kiss you" Yeah okay, can we say strange?

I find just being around him my energy picks up. He did come past and slap my arse at one point. Umm, okay. There was no cuddling or anything and when he was going he just said he was going, Gave the kids a cuddle and left. Didn't actually say buy to me,.. Whatever.

So while he was here, my brother called asking if i wanted to go to our other brothers house, they were having a get together. At first I was unsure, I was nearly about to say I will see what happens and make excuses, Then i decided, no I'm not doing that any more. I used to always do that because my plans revolved around H, Well they do not any more and will not ever again.

H seemed a little strange when I got off the phone, he asked where I was going and just seemed a little strange. I'm not sure what to make off that but really, it's none of my business anyway.

So anyway I went to the get together and I did have a few drinks but I found for the most part I was relaxed. Probably more so than when H and I were together. Usually there I would be either anxious if H was having a good time or if he wanted to leave, Or I would be anxious about if he was home from work or where ever and that he would want me home.

Well, we laughed and laughed. There was a few people I didn't know but they were funny people. My stomach hurt and my cheeks hurt. Laughter really is great medicine. I actually went a few hours without thinking about H much. He did keep popping in to my head but I kept pushing him back out. It's hard work but I actually managed it pretty good today. I actually found myself thinking a few times that I hadn't been thinking about him.
It's almost like "OMG, you forgot about H for like 10 mins" LOL

Baby steps right? baby steps for ME. I do find that in general conversation a lot of the things I have to say, include H. I have been not telling those stories but I did tell one today.
I guess that's just normal right? We were together for 13 years, so until further down the track, I guess it's only natural for him to come up a lot in general conversation.

I realised today that I had not forgiven myself. I thought I had but then somehow it suddenly crept back up on me and I was so stuck in the how and why did I do this or that. Feeling so guilty and angry/sad at myself. So I'm working on that again.
I was so stuck in those feelings, that it didn't even occur to me that I had already chosen to forgive myself.

I haven't cried today but that could have something to do with the fact that H was here for a few hours. He turned up unexpectedly and I had no expectations, so it was actually really pleasant.

Thanks, Wendy. It does help to hear that, I just wish I had a time frame lol

Today was a pretty good day.