I'm glad to see that you have plans for Thanksgiving. Go and enjoy yourself. Your family will surround you w/love and support and make your time there special.
To answer your question about workaholics...yes, some of the mlcers will become workaholics to escape the demons. Some gamble, drink, experiement w/drugs, etc. Some work like trojans and others pick up hobbies such as gardening or landscaping, bowling, sports, etc. to keep their minds busy and off of their issues. It is very normal.
Are you now finished painting? How does it look? What are your plans for the weekend? How are you and the baby doing?
Keep the focus on you and your children. God is working on your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it normal for WAS/MLCer to completely throw themselves into work? H seems to be at work every Sat, all day, and told the kids its because he can just blast his music with no one there and just do his work. Now, he seems to be there late at night...tonight he called at 9:30 and was still at work. He does NOT get any overtime for this so its not for extra money. I know its a good way to not be at his parents house, which he hates to be stuck at, but he has never been so into work, EVER. Wondering if this is just another way to escape and if its normal?
Hey Sweetbriar, while the urge to understand and fix is strong (I know, I do it) this thinking is just keeping you focused on him. But it is a common coping mechanism for anyone who is not dealing with their feelings to do something obsessively.
We, here, tend to obsessively think about our Ss.
You're doing great. How about doing some prenatal yoga?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I KNOW I need to stop thinking about what H is doing. I KNOW IT, KNOW IT, KNOW IT....but even when I go days and days doing well there is always that day that I fall back into the what ifs and the whys.
I am staying very busy with my life. My girls keep me very busy, and I have tons of friends that I see daily and hang out with on weekends and even some evenings. I go to church, I hang out at the neighborhood parties (every other weekend), the bonfires, the kids and I see movies and shop and yes, I did finish painting D's room and it looks great. But still, after staying that busy, it just takes one thing or thought to bring me back to the reality of my H not ever coming home again. It just hits and when it does, it hits me hard:(
From all the reading, (books and posts) and all the advice from friends and family, I know the right path to take. I have done very well with no contact and just let him go. I have next to NO contact with him, unless it involves the girls, which even that contact is rare because they are older and can communicate with him by themselves. I dont text him, email him or chase him anymore and still, nothing has changed. In fact, he has gotten even more distant. He wont even step foot in the door when he picks up kids and hands them a check for them to give me for money. Its so strange.
I do want to fix him...of course I do. He is my H, he was my best friend and I hate that he is sad and lost. But, on the other hand, he wants OW to pick him up and make him feel good...not me. So I DO have to let him go and I feel like I have a lot more than when he first left. And I am better than I was 3 months ago when he left...but I think that deep down inside, I thought he was going to wake up and realize what he has done and because he hasnt, I get sad. This is now really REAL.
I have done some great things for myself in these past 3 months and most of the time I do feel great...but whether its the holidays approaching or the cold, gloomy weather, or the belly growing:) something has just triggered a sadness in the past 2 days.
I have to stop asking myself the whys. When I get sad, I think about how real this all is and just CANNOT wrap my brain around it. I just cannot, for the life of me, understand how this loving, family man has turned his back on me and our family:( I hate this life that I lead now..and that makes me sad that Im not the same person, because he isnt the same person.
I really, truely think that being pregnant is making this whole process even harder on me. Its really hard to not think back how it was when I was pregnant with my girls and how much he loved me and how involved he was. The reality of him not being here during this is unreal and that fact that he has said in the past that he is "sorry this happened while you are pregnant". He isnt sorry about anything...he keeps making things worse and worse.
I also think Im upset that he never asks about anything. I dont ask either, but my girls tell without me asking. THey come home an tell me that dad did this, or dad said that. The other night, D14 said to me..."ya know, dad never asks us about anything we are doing" and I then I asked if he ever asks about us, (the girls and I) or me or the baby and what is happening at home and she said NO. I really dont expect him to ask about me...he doesnt care anymore...but how can he NOT be curious? Curious about the daily life of the kids and I. Curious about our plans and what we are doing for holidays or planning the baby room or ANYTHING???
He really doesnt care..he really only cares about him and OW. And that kills me...because just months ago, we were his life. Its so weird how you can fall out of love and move on so fast.
Our 15 year anniversary is next week...and I have no expectations. I have no plans or desires to bring it to Hs attention. It is also my best friends birthday that day, so she said I can hang out with her family because Wed are the nights my girls go with H..so not only will it be our anniversary, but he will be taking the girls out to dinner and not including me....just sad to think of what could've been.
Now that I have journaled, maybe I will feel better and start my weekend off better. I just had a sad day today and lots of unwanted thoughts popped up in my head throughout the day.
I think Im pretty wonderful. Im an amazing mom, I am an amazing teacher, friend and person. I make people smile and laugh. I am struggling, but still can wear a smile. I think that he was a fool to leave me and our family...and maybe, just maybe..one day he will see all that he lost...because Im pretty darn special. I hope that he still thinks of me sometimes....we sure did have a great thing.
I have a party to be at tomorrow night, for the best friend. This was something we loved to do as a couple...hang out, have a drink, sing karokee, etc. They live across the street and her H was my Hs bestfriend. I will not lie that it wont be hard to be there with ALL of our friends..everyone we know will be there tomorrow. It will be lots of laughs and good times but no matter what and how much fun I have, there will always be a part of me that misses him...and wonders how much fun he would be having it he were there...I guess that takes a long time to go away:( H doesnt have to face any of that because he doesnt see these friends anymore and he has a new life...but I will be darned if I give up any one of these amazing people who have stood by me and my girls like family. Another one of the wonderful things he gave up to be with OW and on his own....
Sorry for my long rant and ramble..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest! Im not going to go back and read this all before I post, so if its all crazy and mixed up from one thing to the next..SORRY:)
Off to be a mom tonight...drop off here, pick up there and then drop off next D there and pick up here...I wouldnt change it for the world...Im so lucky that I have them and I can be a mom to the EVERY SINGLE DAY!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
"I hate this life that I lead now..and that makes me sad that Im not the same person, because he isnt the same person."
I TOTALLY understand & feel too that this sitch has made me into someone I am NOT. ANd, I don't like it at all. I feel weak, desperate, sad, lonely and powerless. Plus, I feel like a doormat at times.
"I think Im pretty wonderful. Im an amazing mom, I am an amazing teacher, friend and person. I make people smile and laugh. I am struggling, but still can wear a smile. I think that he was a fool to leave me and our family...and maybe, just maybe..one day he will see all that he lost...because Im pretty darn special. I hope that he still thinks of me sometimes....we sure did have a great thing."
I wish I had these convictions right now! Good for you!
"Another one of the wonderful things he gave up to be with OW and on his own...."
I find it amazing how much my H seems so willing to give up to pursue this NEW life --his home, his wife, his kids, my family, his family (to some degree), and all for SELFISHNESS!
What happens when they wake up one day and realize and the hurt and pain they've caused and how many doors they've closed, for what...? a happier life w OW? a happier life reliving their early twenties? I just don't get it.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Have had a hard day....have had a lot of thoughts of H today. Not sure why, as we have had no contact, but It may be the party tonight and me just anticipating him not with me. Everyone there knows that we are separated, so I wont have to talk about it...but its still sad.
This weekend is my weekend with the girls, but H texted both girls and asked them to a Wizards game (our hometown basketball team). They both have other plans but D14 is willing to still go and cancel her plans since H is allowing her to bring her friend with her to the game. My youngest is staying here and continuing her original plan. H begged D14 to cancel her plans and go with him...not sure why he is so eager...why doesnt he take OW?
H is supposed to ask me before he makes any plans with the kids, but of course, he always asks them first and THEN asks me. Well, we were out shopping when all this was going on so I knew what the plan was. Really, I wasnt sure if I should let D go, since it is my weekend, but since Im going out tonight I figured it wasnt a big deal.
He asked the girls to have me call or text him to let him know it was okay with me. Well, I dont want to call or text from my cell because I really dont want him to have the number, so I just told D to let him know I was fine with it.
Am I being childish or wrong by not giving him my number? He doesnt know that is the reason I didnt call him, but he may take this as cold behavior from me that I didnt call him and let him know myself it was okay for him to take the kids.
Anyway...maybe Im just worrying about stupid stuff..who knows. I really need to just stop thinking about what he is doing. After he contacted the girls, I started thinking about where he was...if he was at OWs house or if he was coming all the way to our house (totally out of the way of the game) and getting them and then going all the way back...and then I start thinking about how he will probably stay with OW tonight since he will be dropping D off here late...and OW lives so close to me...
Why cant I just forget about what he is doing?? I get so mad at myself for wondering...
Maybe Im also upset that he even had the nerve to ask the girls to go with him when he knows its my weekend....although I guess Its one less thing he is doing with OW if he is taking my kids....
CANNOT DETACH...what is wrong with me??
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
There is nothing wrong with you. Time will heal. Don't give him the number until you no longer care what he does or says. Don't worry about not calling him, you owe him nothing
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
OMG...So, Im heading out to go to this party and I get a text from D14 who is with H at game...she says "mom, u there?" so of course I answer yes and get worried because they never text me when they are with their dad. She informs me that H told her he was at OWs house last night and stayed there.
I immediately got sad. I know he is with her and seeing her, but it just helps to not know the details, ya know? I am now sick to my stomach that H thinks its okay to tell D this info like he is doing nothing wrong. What makes him think this is OK? Im furious...
I just dont know how to handle myself in these situations...I just dont understand why he can stoop so low. Maybe because he is sick? I just dont get it...when does a man who thought adultry was soooooo horrible and wrong, decide to do it himself and tell his kids about it?
We are still married, and Im pregnant...what kind of message does this send to my kids?
Im so upset...I could just get in bed and cry..but, Im dressed and heading to party...
I just dont understand how he can be in love with her and know how bad he is hurting me and NOT CARE...I deserve better than this...I have been his devoted wife for 15 years...
:(:(:(:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
I'm sorry. I hope you are able to go and have a blast at the party, regardless of your H.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Nothing is wrong with you, it takes time and energy. WE ALL are there with you, some are further down the line, some behind even us. Take care stop beating yourself up. You are special, with value and worth.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
You are far from detaching and that's to be expected. You have a constant reminder of your H growing inside you, not to mention a biologically driven need to keep the family unit safe.
Just do what you can, I think you are amazing. You're taking care of your kids, got anew job and are maintaining equilibrium.
Why he would talk to you D about his R probably has many reasons. But no matter the reason, it's not good for D. Maybe you could have a talk with her about how to cut those conversations short? "Dad, please don't talk to me about your R with OW." Maybe the IC can help with this.
((((SB)))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
