Thanks Tori for dropping in.
i thought the trip would be good for me too
the 48hrs i spent w my gf was good (lovely house, lovely food, lovely landscape, lovely wine)
esp as i was able to talk about my sitch on an off over that time and explore my thoughts w someone
BUT at the same time it probably stirred up feelings that i have tried to ignore.
ESP as she has an amazing lifestyle w a great guy (2nd marriage).
She said she was able to ask for D as she no longer loved her H.
She recognised that I still have deep connection w my H even tho I don't see him and that is what makes it hard for me to move on.

So i am torn between my head and my heart and until i can make sense of this for my Self, i AM going to be in limbo.
BUT as long as i focus on GAL and practice DB rules then my emotions will settle down and one day
(if H doesn't step up and claim me)
i will be able to stop this emotional punishment and put this guilty burden down (I'm going to see my IC this week)

in joining the board, i started picking my Self up and was edging closer to done and then he got in touch.
i worry that was our last chance and I've totally blown it
BUT if that's where we are then so be it.

i felt calmer after i sent that text last night (2030hrs).
i needed to tell him how i felt and ask him to tell me what he wants.
i have no expectations that he will answer
so i will take the silence as his answer.

i don't want to end my M but i don't want to live like this anymore. i know i let my Self get back on the ride.
If I had just held my Self together and listened to everyone's advice i wouldn't have ended up an emotional heap.
i have given him 2yrs to sort himself out.
my patience is because i love him unconditionally.
BUT why are his emotional needs more important than my own?

i so need some boundaries - HELP PLEASE

i am going dark now
it may hurt but i am going there
i know it's for the best in the long run

i don't know what to do if H gets in touch
so i'm not going to do anything when/if he does
that isn't a game - it's a timeout
i need one

time to get ready - it's a lovely day here and i am seeing a gf for a walk and a cream tea
14hrs of blanket sitting smile Headstate - neutral