AnotherStander I really like the squirrel analogy. If only we could remove our emotions sometimes!
I was doing so well up until later today (wish I had seen your post then!)
.... I feel like I backslid a bit today. All was good, we went out for breakfast this a.m., we were getting along great, went to buy some electronics after...and when he handed me his new phone to check it out a little, I was looking around on it and saw a name of a girl that I had remembered had called him last week. I know who she is, and she's around our age. I never saw her # again after that time, but her # is programmed in there with her name, along with some other people I didn't recognize. Anyway, I almost didn't say anything but ended up mentioning it and asked who she was. He said something like, she's that new older woman that I told you about that works for my company now. I told him I thought she was our age, and he said no she wasn't. I said 'so you guys chat?' and he said 'yeah we spoke once, what about it?' I dropped it immediately because I realized what I was doing but I was upset because I feel like he's not telling the truth about it for whatever reason. I also felt like I didn't have the right to ask, although he's my H. I don't know that there's anything going on, but I happen to know there's a girl that works there with the exact name who's our age. So it threw me.
I tried to forget it, and to focus on what we were doing, but it brought back all the lies he had told me months ago before I found out about his A. My mood changed substantially and I really didn't want it to, so I got up to go look at some other merchandise and breathe a little. When I came back, he handed me the phone again to look at it some more. I declined and he asked why. I jokingly said something like 'I really don't want to see any more." I shifted my mood as much as I could after that, but I've felt rejected the rest of today. My fault I suppose, but I'm not perfect. And this DBing and PMA is next level work for sure.
I feel like all of this is still on his terms, and most days I'm ok with it and in just letting him come around on his own. But for the rest of the afternoon I had an empty feeling in my stomach that was a reminder of how much work I have to do on me. Not to mention that he's still for some reason very distant physically. It's confusing because as much as I feel like we're making genuine progress, "my dark side" says he's prob having an A, if he wasn't, he'd be back in the bed by now. He prob wants to play the field and if he comes back he'll feel guilty. I'm driving myself mad today with this.
When he left for work I was doing some dishes, and he didn't say goodbye which made me sad.
All I can do is continue to focus on me. I just have knots in my stomach right now and all I want to do is cry! I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes this is next to impossible.
