He's Just Not That Into You

[mamabird]

Yes, I am quite sure H has some mild to moderate depression going on and has for a while. I know I can't fix it and I've never bothered him or badgered him about it. I do ask him if anything's bothering him and he always says no... this is part of the self-deprecation. He will always say he's ok, even if he's clearly not. Like I said, I have a lot of pity for him, and even if we don't stay together, I hope for him that he can heal.

Also have been able to put my finger on some passive-aggressive behavior. Today I said something to S6 during his soccer game that H thought wasn't "positive parenting" - and he said to me, "You should go back to parenting classes." Such an inappropriate comment. So then I told him that was attacking and derogatory and we started to get into it (usual response is "too bad you feel that way", "That's why this will never work out", etc), but he is so concerned about what other people think of him that he cannot stand to fight in public, even if no one can hear us or even cares. So I agreed to table the discussion until after the game.

In the car I said, "Look. No one in this family has any right to say anything to another member of this family that hurts their feelings, intentional or not. And if a member of this family does hurt another family member's feelings, they need to make it right." I was actually pretty proud of myself for coming up with this because it took the focus off the fight and made it more of a "family rules" issue. And there is no way to argue with that.

So he said, "Yes, you're right, I could have worded that differently." Etc. I told him this was the level we needed to be working on. Not sure what he thought of that, but that pretty much ended it.

[Breakdown]

In the car I said, "Look. No one in this family has any right to say anything to another member of this family that hurts their feelings, intentional or not. And if a member of this family does hurt another family member's feelings, they need to make it right." I was actually pretty proud of myself for coming up with this because it took the focus off the fight and made it more of a "family rules" issue. And there is no way to argue with that.

So he said, "Yes, you're right, I could have worded that differently." Etc. I told him this was the level we needed to be working on. Not sure what he thought of that, but that pretty much ended it.

Good job!! That is great progress, and I'm really proud of your ability to stand up here! The fact that he recognized it and agreed with you is even better. Keep going!

[mamabird]

Thanks BD - I am no longer afraid of engaging on that level. I will not continue to be disrespected. My IC has helped me identify the "non-negotiables" and this kind of interaction is certainly on that list. As I continue to DB I'm getting a much stronger sense of what I need and what's good for me and what isn't, and I know I tolerated H's passive aggressive BS for far too long.

I think H knows that he's got to change his communication style in general. I have to admit that in the heat of the moment, I actually told him, "Maybe your next wife will stand for being trashed, but I won't." You know what he said? "Maybe she will."

[Crazyville]

Don't let that bother you. That's just his way of saving face. What's he going to say, "No, she probably wouldn't but I expect you to"?

It's good. He needs to spend a little time imagining that.

[Breakdown]

I think H knows that he's got to change his communication style in general. I have to admit that in the heat of the moment, I actually told him, "Maybe your next wife will stand for being trashed, but I won't." You know what he said? "Maybe she will."

Yeah, not the best way to put it, but I agreed with C that his response is purely defensive and not reality. "How" you stand up may not be perfect yet, but the fact that you are doing it is what I've been talking about from day one.

I actually told my W this the other day and I'll say it to you as well...."be true to yourself." I think as long as you do that, things will go well for you. You haven't let him say and do the stupid crap he does because you're weak....you've done it because you thought it was your role to support him as a W, regardless of how hurtful his actions were. No longer. Be true to you!

[mamabird]

So, what is the best way to handle H now that his depression and this mother issue is starting to take center stage? I don't plan on doing anything differently, but I wanted to see what others thought. Is there something else I should be doing for him?

We've been through this cycle before, except maybe then I wasn't able to recognize it as a period of depression. I seem to remember his mother playing into it then as well. H is functional but very withdrawn. One thing H said in our MC session was that he feels very angry and he turns it in on himself. I told that to my IC and he said that's the definition of depression - anger turned inward.

I am going to be busy right up until Thanksgiving - working and cooking and cleaning starting today. But I would like some advice on how I could be most helpful to H right now.

[mamabird]

Something encouraging happened tonight. I was folding the laundry on the bed and H was watching "The Dust Bowl" on PBS. I didn't see the beginning so I started asking him questions about how the Dust Bowl got started. He is into history so he usually knows this stuff when I ask him. He answered me briefly but not rudely.

When the show was over, there was a voice over that said, "For more information, go to www.pbs.org/dustbowl." H said, "See, if you want more information, you can just go to the internet. That's what the internet's for, so you don't have to bother your hubby with questions about the dust bowl."

Hubby. He said hubby.

I really saw a glimpse of the old H in that moment. He was lighthearted, joking, having a good time.

Also, he had a talk with my dad last night I guess, and my dad wanted to tell me what they said but we haven't had a chance to catch up. I asked him if I should be prepared for bad news, but he said, no, he thought it was good news. So I'm curious to hear about that.

[Crazyville]

Oooh, I so hate that "I've got something important to tell you....later." No reflection on your dad, I just hate the anticipation. Anyway, I hope it's good.

[Breakdown]

H said, "See, if you want more information, you can just go to the internet. That's what the internet's for, so you don't have to bother your hubby with questions about the dust bowl."

Hubby. He said hubby.

I think that it's awesome that you are focusing on the positive, on the small steps in the right direction. This is what helps us all get thru.

You could have just as easily focused on the words "so you don't have to bother..."

You sound so good right now....keep it going!

[mamabird]

Thanks Breakdown. I'm feeling a little better about it all these days. Given that things weren't so great when we began this journey, it feels like we're actually in a better place now.

My dad's "good news" was not all that exciting and I certainly would not call it good news. H just shared his feelings with my dad - exactly what he said in MC. Dad tried to give me some coaching so I just listened and said thanks for the advice.