Staying off the ride 3 - being authentic

[Tumbling]

Journalling - emotional be warned

Staying on the blanket didn't last long
When I was staying with gf we talked alot about sitch.
She recognised that this can't go on. I agree
We drafted a letter to H.
Stating that we can't go on like this.
That we need to agree a way forward.
My proposal
EITHER Commit to
>spending time together weekly with a view to living under one roof;
>sharing what we both want from our marriage (w professional help)
>agreeing how we can both be satisfied in this relationship
OR
>start divorce proceedings on the gorunds that we have been separated for 2 years.
Asked for to hear his thoughts/alternative suggestions.
Stated that I didn't want an ansa now but by January so next year will be different.

I felt very strong and sure of my path when I left there.
That I would show H, I respected my Self and my life and if nothing else he would see I respected my Self more than he did.

Met another friend (a man who had left his wife twice and returned twice and is now in counselling and sorted and very happy). He said being direct may not work with H that you have to touch the heart strings.

I got train to another friend's - thursday
There I text H an update of my trip.
No ansa.
Friday I text - not heard from you - are you ok?
He replied - I'm fine, extremely busy, glad you are having a good trip. I liked the photos.

Today
I felt unsettled earlier today. I don't want to send the letter. What's the point? He hasn't wanted to work on this for 2 years. He is who he is. I reread my list of sorrys that I wrote on my previous threads and made myself cry for the things I did wrong.

I rewrote the letter and added
"I am not saying this to control you. I am stating to you that I want a man who is physically in my life and spends time with me. You are free to choose if this is what you want to be."

I haven't sent letter.

I got train to London
Text H - hello, fancy a bit of texting?
H - I can't really. I'm in the pub with some mates watching the rugby x
Me - understood. enjoy the game x

I arrived in London
Me: We talked last week about you maybe meeting my train and going for dinner tonight. I figure you have other plans but can you confirm so I can make alternative arrangements

Nothing
An hour later
Me: It's ok H. I'm not cross. It was only a maybe. I've made arrangements.

Nothing
I cried most of the way on the train.
I just keep thinking
- it's over, it's over, it's over.
And - he doesn't want me
And - this is so sad when i wanted it to work
And - it's all my fault that he left
And - why did i let him back in when I was so strong?

A real pity party - in public!

I got home and read my sorry list again
And I realised I've stood for my marriage for 2 years and accepted all this crap because:
I believe I deserve this treatment for what I did wrong
I am punishing my Self
I don't judge people (as I don't wish to be judged) and
I believe he's broken but can be mended.

And I sobbed my heart out for an hour

And then I txt H
(I did this because I was totally on the floor)
- I'm scared H. My head's fkd. I've really enjoyed hearing from you and spending time with you recently. And now I feel you're pushing me away. I'm losing it. I cried on the train tonight. I love you so much. It hurts that we are apart. I want you in my life but I fear you want to let me go. If that's true pls tell me and I'll leave you alone. I just want you to be happy and if you're happier without me, then so be it x

And then I cried some more

And another reason I am such a mess is because of EAguy
I told my gf about him and she said he sounded like a nice
guy and on the last night she made me write a list of all the things we have in common and it was far more than me and H.

He text me when I was away to find out how my trip was going and to ask if i wanted to see something at the theatre and that that just highlighted what H is not giving me.

Anyways I've realised I have to forgive my Self for the things I think I did wrong and MOVE PAST IT.

I have also decided that I deserve far more than I am getting from H and I know that if H was just some guy I'd met I wouldn't put up w this deal but because he is H and that I know his history I forgive him.

In writing that I realise that I forgive my H more than I forgive me.

I want to be glued to the blanket.

There's still a piece of me that wishes it was different...
but I am learning that I can not make it so.

Keep on pushing through

Thanks for reading