H: You know you've been really different recently, right? In a good way. Me: Hmm? H: Well, I'm trying to figure out why. I think it might be because you've been having more regular massages. Me: Really? [I was thrown by that guess because I haven't been having more regular massages!] H: It was so weird yesterday morning when I was running late and you didn't comment. You can't imagine how different it feels. Usually, you're so anxious about what I'm up to that there is no room for me. I actually started feeling stressed about being late myself. It was the most extraordinary thing. Me: Hmm (in positive tone)
This is wonderful! I'm so happy to hear you're already seeing results, Wendy. Just stay on track now, you know this will take time.
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I managed not to comment about the fact that he got me to repeat everything I said at some point this evening. Either he's going deaf or buys himself time by not really listening. Anyway, I just repeated.
Good job being patient here, and again stay on course.
I think you may be right that part of it could be lazy listening on his part. This is something I've been accused of also. All I can say is it always rubbed me the wrong way hearing about it, and just made me get defensive. I really feel like if my needs were truly being met, I would have been more open to "fixing" my shortcomings. Use this thought to keep yourself on course.
Threatening D sure opened up my ears though, but I don't recommend you to do this!
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I also managed not to answer him impatiently when he asked where S17 was. He often asks me where the kids are when they are simply where you'd expect them to be. In this case, S17 was watching a film on his laptop in bed. When I said "In bed", H seemed really surprised. I didn't say, "Where else would you expect him to be at this time of night on a weekday?"
As long as his mind is physically capable, at some point you'll want to gradually and gently start helping him to pick up in this area. I wonder what he would have thought/said if you answered "I'm not sure".
If you step back he may be more likely to start stepping up. Right now you take care of things so he doesn't have to. He can stay in his own little day dream world.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So glad you're seeing some progress Wendy. What FY says about stepping back sounds like a good idea, but only as long as you have no expectations that he will indeed step up.
Keep it up girl!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Wendylon-- This is so fantastic! You are doing wonderfully!
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Good job being patient here, and again stay on course.
I think you may be right that part of it could be lazy listening on his part. This is something I've been accused of also. All I can say is it always rubbed me the wrong way hearing about it, and just made me get defensive. I really feel like if my needs were truly being met, I would have been more open to "fixing" my shortcomings. Use this thought to keep yourself on course.
Holy cow! That is huge!! I hadn't thought about it like that and I realize that sounds dumb.
Thank you so much, Regretful, FY, Arsene, Andrew, Tori and Melissa for your encouragement and wise words.
FY, I found this particularly interesting:
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I think you may be right that part of it could be lazy listening on his part. This is something I've been accused of also. All I can say is it always rubbed me the wrong way hearing about it, and just made me get defensive. I really feel like if my needs were truly being met, I would have been more open to "fixing" my shortcomings. Use this thought to keep yourself on course.
Yes, I will. I think that for now I'll focus on biting my tongue when I'm tempted to advise or correct. My first priority is to meet his needs. It seems sort of unfair to put mine on hold but I think it makes sense strategically. He doesn't have enough good will (and maybe not the capacity either right now) to meet mine.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
As long as his mind is physically capable, at some point you'll want to gradually and gently start helping him to pick up in this area. I wonder what he would have thought/said if you answered "I'm not sure".
Good question. Sometimes I don't think his questions are real. They are more and excuse for talking. I've answered quite a few questions today that I would have answered in an irritated way before because I'd be annoyed he was asking them. I've come to realise that it actually takes no more effort to give him the straight answer than it does to give him the irritated/critical one. The straight answer is actually easier in the end because he doesn't then get angry with me.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
If you step back he may be more likely to start stepping up. Right now you take care of things so he doesn't have to. He can stay in his own little day dream world.
Yes, I'm going to have to see where and how I can step back without it affecting me or our family. He was running very late today for something that had nothing to do with me so I said nothing. It was on the tip of my tongue to say something but didn't.
I crossed him later on in the street. I was on my bike and he was in his car. He usually gives me a tiny wave or nod when he sees me but this time he actually gestured to wait, stopped his car and came over to my side of the street to chat to me. He said he'd stopped by at my favourite cafe to see if I was there (I was on my way there). I was really pleased that he made the physical effort to stop his car and get out. It sounds tiny but it is new.
Another positive development: he actually initiated some touch. Again, it sounds minuscule but it was noteworthy. When I got home, he teased me by saying that the pilot light in the cooker had gone out again (it was finally repaired yesterday). I must have looked horrified because he put his hand on my arm and said he was sorry and that he was joking.
I hope I can keep it up! Thank you again everyone for the encouragement and insights.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
As a newbie I have nothing to add except that I have read your posts and think that you are making amazing progress.
The advice you have been given is remarkable and has encouraged me to view my own sitch with different eyes. Thanks Wendy and keep up the great days, the biting of the tongue and the letting go ( in order to hang on ).
Yes, I will. I think that for now I'll focus on biting my tongue when I'm tempted to advise or correct. My first priority is to meet his needs. It seems sort of unfair to put mine on hold but I think it makes sense strategically. He doesn't have enough good will (and maybe not the capacity either right now) to meet mine.
I know, and I feel the same way in my sitch. Much of it does seem unfair. But then I tell myself that lots of things in life are unfair, and that like you are now realizing, meeting our spouses needs first makes sense strategically. Reminding myself this gives me the strength to carry on with my DB plan.
Eventually she will come around, or I will give up knowing I did my best. When we've been married as long as we have been, I feel we owe it to our partners and ourselves to really give this our best effort.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
