It's not what you want or appreciate? What is it you WANT and APPRECIATE? Honesty. What does that look like? Your version of honesty or can it be different than you WANT and still be honest?
Honesty can definitely vary from my definition. It's probably as highly debated as forgiveness. But if you're asking me what I WANT, then it has to match my definition, otherwise it's not what I want. This seems kind of obvious to me so perhaps I'm not understanding your question. Loyalty is in the same category, I believe.
Originally Posted By: AJM
Trust. Yep, that's a common one. Why can't your H trust you? Why can't you trust him? Not what you "feel" at the moment, but really why? What would he have to do to gain your trust? What do you have to do to gain his to the point he can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually honest with you? Why are you both hiding behind a "wall"? Hmm...?
I think the biggest issue for me here is that when I explain to him that he did something that hurt my feelings, his response always begins with, "I know, but...(defend, defend, defend.)" So maybe the truth is that I CAN trust him, but I can trust him to continue to do the same things that hurt me before because he doesn't see it as a problem. That doesn't foster intimacy and safety.
In its most simplistic form, if he says he'll do something, he needs to do it. He acknowledges that matching his actions to his words is a big problem for him, has been as long as he can remember. Thurs night, I said in a lighthearted way that I'd give him a dollar if he'd check S12's homework because I was so tired and needed to go to bed. He said he would. Friday morning it was unchecked, he had forgotten. This was not a mistake, this is a way of life with him. Is this unclear somehow? Is this unreasonable? Expecting too much?
Could you please expound upon the actions vs. cause?
