Originally Posted By: sandi2 "First of all, were the two of you in a mutual agreement that you are (have been the past two weeks) actually "working" on the M? Did either of you tell the MC that you are/would actively work on the R? If yes, what have you seen her do that would be considered working toward a better R?"
Nick's Reply: "In our fifth session we did agree that we were going to make time to spend one-on-one at dinner or some outing and have the nanny take care of the kids. The MC specifically asked do you want me or her to take care of the planning. W said she would be more comfortable doing it so there was less chance of me having high hopes or expectations for the dinner.
In the end the dinner was never planned. When the MC asked us in our last session why she did not pursue it, she said it felt like pretend still."
My take on this is that the MC was trying to start with baby steps toward her working on the MR. He probably knew she wasn’t going to jump in all the way. However, she may have left the impression she was more “willing” to do what he suggested than she truly was. Notice this part again…… “said she would be more comfortable doing it so there was less chance of me having high hopes or expectations for the dinner”.
I tend to believe she wanted the control….but not necessarily to save your hopes, but more so that she would not be pressured by whatever you planned. Make sense? She knew she wasn’t going to have any romantic dinners, long moonlit walks, or even a chance at any alone time. She doesn’t want to be alone with you unless it’s to discuss D.
Nick, I remember how I would react when my H showed any sign of hopefulness or “happiness”. To me, it was him thinking everything was going to be okay and the problems were over. I had seen this from past times and I had to intentions of him mistakenly thinking I was “coming around”. It actually stirred my anger more and as a result, I treated him even worse in order to get him to see how serious I was. So, I can see why your W gets mad when you are acting happy & contented all the times, as she said to the C.
At the end of the session, I think she was telling you and the C that she wouldn’t be attending any more MC sessions. The only meeting she is interested in right now is a mediator to proceed with a D.
You see, just the act of attending MC gives the impression to the LBH that’s she willing to work through the problems in order to save the M. The first thing the LBH usually does is beg his W to go with him to C. But her mind is already made up (as far as she is concerned) and most times…she goes just as a way to show her H that it did not work. Many W’s used the MC session to “announce” that she’s ready to proceed with the D.
I personally do not believe going to a MC solves anything unless both parties are ready and willing to save the M. She has a lot of resentment. She’s carried this around for no telling how long, and you didn’t even know it. Now that resentment has turned into real anger. The more you appear to be trying to save the M…..the more anger she feels. So, my advice is to not suggest going back to any counseling of any kind. Right now, any suggestions alone that line will sound like you are trying to fix things (and of course you are) and it only makes her more angry.
I’m not telling you to give up and file for the D. I’m saying that you have to let this go in order that she can see you are no longer trying to fix it. Just leave her alone. Step away and leave her alone. Put your time, energy, and focus all on the kids and your personal life. Continue to show a good attitude.
In the C session, she was saying she wants you to give her space when she says she has a bad day (code words) and yet when she blows up you are suppose to find out why (more code). But once D, she can’t have it that way….right? I think she should see you “not” giving her any one on one. “Not” giving her any attention or concern about what kind of day she had. She doesn’t want any of that…..so don’t give it. I just don’t think this idea of trying to be their BBF works well in this type of situation. This is the time for her to see that you aren't putting so much effort in her. If she talks, you still show good manners and you listen and look at her when she talks......but don't offer her any suggestions, etc. Do you see what I'm trying to say? I know that sounds opposite of what you think you should do, and it probably was part of the problem at one time. But what once would have worked.....doesn't work now. Just like pursuing doesn't work right now. Don't be a jerk, but you just don't show so much concern like you've been doing. Trust me, she'll notice. She'll realize what she's giving up, if you do this right and if she's not too deep in an A.
This may surprise you to hear this on the DB board (and there aren’t too many) but I’m telling you it’s time for the last resort. You don’t act mean or cruel. You don’t even have to act cold toward her. Don’t go to extremes the other way. But stop doing things for her that you wouldn't do for anyone. You know, like you would still help lift something heavy....but you don't do all the house work just so she doesn't have to do it. Stop helping her with little things so much. Stop trying to fix her problems or rescuing her. Speak to her as if you would talk to a person you just met or a co-worker. Just small talk in order to not appear cold. Avoid being alone with her as much as possible. Continue to be a good father and do things needed for the children. Do things for yourself. If you are having a good time and feel good….don’t be afraid to show it. But do nothing to give the impression to her that you still hold out hope for the R. Continue to improve yourself in order to find the man you use to be, except this one will be even better b/c he has kids. I hope this doesn’t confuse you more. I know what the WAW feels and most of what they probably think. She’s working so hard to get away from you and to feel free. The more you try to hold onto her, the more she’ll resent you.
This is not giving up! It’s a different method from what you have been doing. Most LBS are afraid to do this, but I think it’s all that you have left…that will actually work. It’s not going down with the Titanic! I’m throwing you a lifesaver.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
