3 Years after D-Day, part 2. Separated 9 Months.

[Am I Too Late]

W showed up for S-9's karate class this morning and we had minor general chit chat and she asked me what i thought of her new hair coloring. It looks real nice with red and white lines with sandy blonde main hair color. She doesn't like the red.

At least she asked my opinion and o was subtle with the praise.

Then towards the end of the hour she asked about visitation and i have yo check out next weeks schedule first but told her i would get back to her soon about it.

Slightly later i asked her about child support. She started claiming how broke she is and asked if $75.00 would be enough next Friday. I said its supposed to be 20% and then she wanted to make it conditional on visitation.

It's as if she was blaming me for her lack of contact with our son. Matter of fact, she was supposed to come by our home for a couple of hours after karate
but now she doesn't have enough gas. That's her choice or problem.

Tonight i am sending my son over for a sleep over and i am going out to watch a band that my brother is in. I figure that is some Me time for my GAL.

I would like to let my W know how many visits she has changed priorities on and canceled out on, but that would probably not be DB but it may be a chance to set up some boundaries.

I don't want to try to be right, just be fair for and to our son and hope she sees it that way too.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed when it comes to your S he is priority number 1. Really happy to hear you are FINALLY doing something for YOURSELF!

I would say something to her about all the cancellations. You can't DB when there is a third person in your M and besides Ed she has so many issues that she needs to work on. You seem so gung ho on getting her back but I think you really need to put things in perspective. Look how long this has been going on and for a mother not to make her child her top priority really speaks volumes. She has no respect for you or your S hell she doesn't even respect herself. She's complaining about giving money for her S? She doesn't wanna buck up because she wants to spend it on booze and God knows what else she is doing!

Ed I think you really need to read Dobsons book Love Must Be Tough its really for someone in your sitch. Enjoy your night out and start to make this a habit.

[Am I Too Late]

I am open for suggestions on how to speak with her about the cancellations without it coming off as accusatory.

I, in the recent past 3 years concentrated how to broach other negative implication subjects and she still seemed to feel i was blaming her or making her feel guilty. I would enhance that was not my goal but that is how she felt.

That's over the phone. Face to face, she withdraws and shuts down, and i am not trying to act as parent to child, but adult to adult. That's my very biased opinion of my comments to her.

Do i set forth consequences if she cancels?

I don't want to deny a visit if it is scheduled and agreed to. Specific days didn't get followed up on from our original agreement 1 month after she left.

Our son is Sooo looking forward to seeing her too.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

I had a good time tonight. The band my brother is in played great. Now I'm home and when i was at the place my brother played at, i kept noticing all of the womens wedding rings. It created thoughts of my W before she threw her ring at me 2 years ago.

I started to wander with my thoughts, wondering if she was flagrantly still wearing her ring when she was out with OM's. That's enough sulking.

So, i paid more attention to other things going on to get my mind off of her.

All in all, i am very glad i had a good night of fun. I did feel alone but my s-i-l kept me in her company and that helped out alot.

Tomorrow morning i will pick up my son and take him to Church like we usually do on Sundays.

I need to get back out in public more to feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's been a real long time since i was even in a bar. Everyone seemed to be having a real fun time there, especially the women, who were dancing and swaying to the music. Yes, i thought of how my W would act at a bar too, having such an exciting fun time, but that doesn't sting as much as it used to.

I have to continually remember that the woman i married is not the same person anymore.

I hope this doesn't sound too pathetic, but i want to record my honest feelings. Nothing happened that made me sad enough to get misty about, but i did feel angry at her past actions.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Just journaling.....

W asked at Saturdays karate class, when the Parent-Teacher conference would be. I told her it was today and even though she is off her regular job this week, she is doing leaf blowing for OM's landscape crew.

She keeps up the story that she is working for her new girl friend, but i know it's with OM.

I do not instigate any confrontational subjects, remain neutral and validate when called for.

I have family plans with S-9 for T-Giving day. W has not even brought up any attempt to see S on that day. That ball remains in her court.

My IC appointment seemed to calm my nerves down, or else the AD meds are kicking in after 13 days.

I am overwhelmed with my financial picture and Pray that my commercial property and building sells before spring time.

I am straightening out a minor issue with new company general liability insurance policy. I should know results in a few days, them i can get my company licensed again to do my own work once again.

I ran it very successfully for 24 out of the last 27 years until i fell apart with anxiety since d-day 3 years ago.

W wants a visit with S one of the next 2 days and i will go along with that.

I thought about our conversation about her starting to contribute something towards child support and the way she replied, regarding lets see about visitation seemed like she was blaming me for her lack of contact with our S.

She still misses more opportunities than she shows up for. That's on her, not me.

But, do i point that out to her?

I don't see any good coming out of a conversation like that, except for the opportunity to establish a schedule that she and i agree to and she adheres yo without excuses, like not having enough gas, as was the case this past Saturday.

I could use feedback on that point please.

I hate lame excuses when she can afford to go out that same night.

I am reaching out to some friends to do thongs together too. Unfortunately, none could attend my brothers band playing Saturday night, but at least i tried to get some friends together.

Sooo, i am planning some minor GAL things and have 1 job to try to well. It's a start.to

Do WAW's who seem to be enjoying their party lifestyle have 2nd thoughts?

I am only sharing it here, but i would still like R on our marriage and family, but i will keep on doing the detachment angle till it starts to stick and look for GAL opportunities.

Are there any similar threads with a relapsed Spouse and/or the LBS waiting so long to try the DB techniques that anyone could direct me to?

Thanks,

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed as far as I know there aren't any threads with someone waiting as long as you in this sitch. I have to ask why you so desperately want to R with someone who is so damaged and has no regards for you or her own S. I'm sorry to be harsh but I don't think its getting through to you. What is there to salvage? She's had multiple OMs is living with one now. She has excuse after excuse for not seeing her S. I've said this to you before and its the last time I'm gonna say it. You are enabling her. She needs to suffer the consequences for her actions but you keep letting her walk all over you. Do you respect yourself? I don't think you do otherwise you wouldn't tolerate her behaviour especially towards your S.

Man up and tell her she needs to pay support for HER S its her duty and obligation and its time she's told this. I wouldn't pull any punches with her at all but you probably will Ed because you think you NEED her to survive. Three years and you are still anxiously awaiting her return. Do you even realize just how much work she truly needs? You need to ask yourself why you want to get back with someone who is so self absorbed. You deserve better and your S deserves better. If it were me play time for her would be over. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? It sure seems that way to me. Think hard Ed Sorry but you really need this 2x4

[Grateful]

I have to say that I am proud of Ed for standing this long. Wedding vows say "til death do us part."

[Am I Too Late]

Question regarding what i asked in my last post.

Do i point out to her the facts about how many visits she has missed to see our S?

5 1/2 hours after i sent her a message, she replied.....

Quote:
Ok I will get him wednes. Why do u need to take him to appointment? I can can him early. And I think Eddie will benefit from regular scheduled visits with me that are set in stone. Ok will try to call again tomorrow. Wish you had called back so I could say night to Eddie but thank you for update on school.
Unquote:

She now points out that our S would benefit with regularly scheduled visits.

I will reply tomorrow, but do i point out how many visit opportunities she has excused herself from for one reason or another? I have previously set my foot down and told her that the most important thing our S needs is consistency.


Leo, the law would say she has a right to equitable visitation as long as his best interests were considered, regardless if she goes out drinking when S is not with her, as long as he is not directly affected by it and her having a boyfriend is not material. As long as any potential negative behaviors are not done in his presence.

My hope, first and foremost is to get my life back, which includes operating my business again and digging out of debt, along with the obvious welfare of our son. Along with that, i Pray for her to find the gift of sobriety once again.

If, and that is a big if, she ever does, then and only then could i hope that she could find the person she formally was.

I am working on me though. Who knows where my mind will be about this sitch after i get better at detachment and GAL.

Ed

[Grateful]

As the son of an alcoholic, I can tell you firsthand that alcohol is her first love right now, not you or even her S. She still loves and adores him, but the addiction is first in her mind. Visitation is hard in this case. My dad didn't bother contacting me for months, so it wasn't an issue when I was growing up. I would lovingly tell her that she has missed dates, and ask her what her plans are for future visits. The past is the past, and it can't be changed. Forgive her for missing the dates in the past.

[leopoldstotch]

Ed read James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough asap.