WAS vs. LBS

[AJM]

KD speaks wisdom but allow me to expand on that I wholeheartedly agree that you need to set a longer view time frame of "improvements" vs. looking at everything in a microscope. Forest for the trees sort of thing.

even though I did so very gently and politely. We talked for a while tonight and I asked him a similar question about how I could have handled it differently. It didn't go well. He just takes everything as criticism, which is not my intention and just makes me shut down more to prevent doing it again.

Who said you did it politely and gently? You? Pot calling the kettle black if you ask me. Turn that the other way, and your H may have thought he was doing things "gently and positively" but you take it as...not. There's more to the dynamic and I really think you should work to answer the question of your part in the dynamic. You can easily see his part, but you are not seeing yours at this point. I suspect that's because the eyes look outward, no?

At the same time, my changed behavior/attitude after this weekend has fostered some change in him. Unfortunately, it's not anything that I want or appreciate, but things that he wants. So my attitude has simply given him the comfort to resume getting his needs met. For example, he's taken to calling me during the day again, just to "check in." It's not my cup of tea, because he never has anything to share so either I have to "invent" something to talk about or we sit in silence. It's just weird for me. So even though I had asked him to stop, he started doing it again because it's something he likes. So when I change my behavior and give him something positive, he responds by "taking" more. It has always been this way and radar is up to prevent it from happening again. This is my difficulty with "being the change I want to see in my M." It only seems to go one way.

I'm sorry you see it that way, but your posts suggest that is not the case. It's not what you want or appreciate? What is it you WANT and APPRECIATE? Honesty. What does that look like? Your version of honesty or can it be different than you WANT and still be honest? Loyalty? What would make you think your imperfect H is loyal to you? Seriously? What would that be?

Trust. Yep, that's a common one. Why can't your H trust you? Why can't you trust him? Not what you "feel" at the moment, but really why? What would he have to do to gain your trust? What do you have to do to gain his to the point he can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually honest with you? Why are you both hiding behind a "wall"? Hmm...?

On a positive note, I'm really doing quite well emotionally. I'm still personally recharged, though my enthusiasm (hope) for my M has waned some. I'm at a complete loss on how to engage with my H in a healthy way, even at a fairly superficial level. It's frustrating for me, too, because I'm certain that an outsider looking in could probably see everything clearly, but from my POV, it's a big mystery.

I think you are at a loss to see how to engage. But from my POV, you don't really have the answers for you, yet you are hoping he'll find a way to "magically" meet your needs. That's interesting to me as an outsider because I do see it differently. Very.

I think something else to note: your relationship dynamic is changed. You are currently holding the power in the relationship yet you want things of him. As a Christian, I find that backwards but totally human. (I only share this next part as a way of showing a different perspective and how I've seen it) I went through much of that as well with my ex. I contorted myself to great extremes and became so twisted trying to save my marriage, I didn't recognize me. I wasn't authentic to my own needs and feelings. If I was on a daily basis, I'd have kicked her out when she cheated on me and not looked beyond that.
It's a struggle that's hard to see when you're living it moment by moment. But a lot of that had to do with the dynamic. Knowing the "actions" didn't help much. Knowing the cause did and does even now when I'm required to deal with her. She doesn't seem to have figured it out, and may never. That saddens me because she is prone to repeat that pattern until she does. Her way of coping was to blame me for everything, want me to "magically" figure it all out and "save" her. It's common when trying to extricate oneself from a relationship. When one is too scared or hurt to open up and trust again, it's pretty much impossible to change the dynamic. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy if you let it.

What I'm getting at is that figuring out what you need to be able to trust is important - accepting what he is or accepting the changes he is working on etc. Accepting that he doesn't yet "get it" as to what you want, but is working on it (even if you don't fully understand what you want in regards to trust, just that you want it). Or whatever it takes for you to trust him, I suggest you figure that out sooner than later. Figure out what you need to be able to trust him and then work towards it on a monthly basis, not daily. It's not about actions. He may be trying what the C suggests because he WANTS the R to work regardless of what it looks like later. He is not necessarily happy with the status quo either, but that doesn't mean he knows how to change it in this situation. Know the motives. Don't guess what they are, know them - you'll always be wrong when you guess.

I can tell you that having a relationship with somebody else, if things can't be worked out, won't be any different after a short period of time. There will always be a reason for you to understand what you need to trust your spouse. There will always be a reason for you to learn to accept things as they are. There will always be a reason for you to be able to communicate with your spouse in a way your spouse can understand and not how you want to be communicated with. Always. You have a spouse that wants to make it work. A spouse you love, and have loved for a long time. Figure out how that trust can be restored and make it realistic and possible. You won't regret doing that. You won't regret guessing what he is thinking or his motives. His motive is clear WRT him working on the relationship. But you need to make it possible.

Peace,
AJ