He's Just Not That Into You

[RegretfulLA]

Is your H seeing an IC? I thought he was just doing the MC with you. How long's he been going? Has he shared anything with you about it?

H has been seeing an IC for some time. I'm not sure how long - on and off for 2 or 3 years probably. He really seems to like her. Doesn't share much, but I know the that the reason he started going was because he was specifically unhappy with ME. Not our R, not our M, ME. However, never in 3 years has he sat down with me and said, "I'm unhappy with you and these are the things that need to change." It all came out as complaints and attacks, not very effective for getting anyone to change.

I'm not suggesting that you see this as a sign of hope but just an understanding that counseling is sometimes a slow process.

I know Bug, it can take a long time, but I don't really know what his goals are, what he's trying to achieve through therapy, and I've seen very little change so far. My feeling is that he just wants someone to listen to him say what a horrible wife I am and how much I've wronged him over the years. That certainly seems to be the theme, and he chooses people who will listen to that without challenging.

All this to say that I'm sure your H won't be indifferent to seeing his family together happily.

This is very important to H. He is very devoted to the boys and wants the best for them. I'm sure this is a big deterrent to D right now. Neither of us wants to break up the family, and there is no pull of OP to complicate that. Certainly the boys are my motivation to keeping it together and improving the M vs walking away.

Wendy, I don't know if this is true for your H but it's rare that my H ever puts any real work or effort into anything. Now he did put a lot of heart and soul into renovating this house, but at the end of a day it's a showpiece. He graduated from a great college but never went to grad school. Not that it's made a difference, he does very well in his career. I just feel like he walks around with a dark cloud around him that prevents him from really living his life.