New to DB and Clearly Oblivious to My "Horrible" M

[keep_going]

Hi Nick,

After reading your whole thread, I find so many similarities between your W and I. You have been asking about her issues with you and the M and want more info for your 180s. I don't know that I have any answers at all, but I can offer you my story and perspective and perhaps some of it applies to your sitch and can give you some clues as to what your W may be going through.

My story is similar to yours - H and I were both very career-oriented. I poured myself into my job, it helped me define my identity, I felt valued, respected and appreciated there. I was very good at it and made a good living as well. Yet it was very stressful and time-consuming and as we both succeeded at our careers, we over-extended ourselves and ended up living parallel lives.

We waited to have children, which added a lot of pressure. My kids are exactly the same age as yours and I am just a year older than your wife. I didn't quit my job after baby #1 and #2 and that just brought more problems. I bought into the idea that I could do it all - successful career w/ 60-hr. work weeks, be a good mom, manage and take care of my home, be a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend. Now I know it's just not possible and it took losing my H to realize it.

My H definitely helped, yet never to the extend that you do with your wife. I did all the night feedings for all three kids, even when I was working full time - he just would not hear them crying at night and never woke up. Yet during the day he would complain that he was tired and would find time for naps. I don't think I've taken more than a handful of naps in the last 5 years... I would come home after work, just had enough time to put the girls to bed (while feeling guilty about not spending enough time with them) and then had to help clean the house or try to make dinner and try to spend some time with H just to find him asleep on the couch.

He was also always lucky to have relatively low-stress jobs, 40-hr. work weeks and a lot of free time in the evenings. He did help keep the house clean, he was attentive and loving with the girls and he helped take care of all the bills. I know that he had his own set of pressures to deal with, but I was just too overwhelmed to put myself in his shoes.

I became unhappy, very angry and resentful at him for not understanding what I was going through. I was always exhausted and sex also became an issue as I was initially just too tired and later, too resentful to even enjoy it. I also believe now that there was probably PPD even as early as with my first child, but I just pushed it down and buried it like the rest of my hurt and never did anything about it. Just now I am taking steps to deal with it, since I know I am definitely depressed.

My problem was that instead of expressing my issues in a healthy manner, I just hid all my hurt and frustrations behind my anger and resentment. Neither H nor I had any good conflict resolution skills. I would tell him that I felt trapped, neglected, unappreciated and that I was just a working mule for him.

He would complain about my anger as the underlying reason for all our problems and he did so in very accusatory terms because he was also so unhappy and frustrated. I never felt like he took any action to address my complains, to make me feel valued AS A WIFE. I needed to feel like more than just a paycheck and a mom and his lack or awareness and / or inaction made me feel even more resentful. So the vicious circle continued until he finally exploded and left.

Like your wife, I also decided to quit my job and stay at home with the kids, but I didn't do so until my H left. And while I do not regret this decision, it has been very, very hard for many reasons. I still feel like my efforts are unappreciated - my H did not like losing my 6-figure income, I miss the respect and validation that I found at work and the sense of accomplishment; I miss interacting with adults and I miss the mental challenges and stimulation that my career provided.

I obviously also had my sense of identity deeply associated with my career, and when I became a SAHM, I lost that. I questioned who I was and what my value is. I rationally know that my job at home is very, very important (specially in my situation being a single mom now), yet, the lack of validation and appreciation by my partner is devastating and I live it daily. In addition, the amount of work and energy demands from 3 kids under the age of 5 can be all-consuming and debilitating, (specially if you don't have a partner to share the workload with). You can ask any SAHM - doing this every day, all day - it just takes its toll.

Perhaps your wife has also been harboring similar feelings and has not dealt with them properly. It sounds like she lacks good communication skills to express her needs and she has been bottling everything inside until she found an outlet in her EA.

I can understand how she thinks there is no hope for change - I at times also felt like we were trapped with no way out and my H clearly felt the same. I think you are in a tricky situation because your W will need to feel like you care and appreciate her as your Wife to believe that your M could be better, yet at this time she is not receptive to you at all.

I am sorry for the long post - it was both hard and therapeutic to write this and I hope that it can bring some insight as to what your W may be feeling or thinking.

I think you are doing a great job with the DB principles and have been very patient considering your wife's anger. Hang in there - this will take a while and know that you are not alone.