This was a great Q. I even posed it to H tonight. Our short list was trust, loyalty, respect, shared interests, shared values, honesty, etc. Not surprising, we don't share any of them.
Originally Posted By: AJM
So I suppose part of the question is what is your part in the dynamic and how does that affect his behavior.
Another good question, but I don't have an answer. It seems to be the question I'm always asking. In the convo today, I'm not sure where I should have veered the course. He didn't like me calling him on it, even though I did so very gently and politely. We talked for a while tonight and I asked him a similar question about how I could have handled it differently. It didn't go well. He just takes everything as criticism, which is not my intention and just makes me shut down more to prevent doing it again.
At the same time, my changed behavior/attitude after this weekend has fostered some change in him. Unfortunately, it's not anything that I want or appreciate, but things that he wants. So my attitude has simply given him the comfort to resume getting his needs met. For example, he's taken to calling me during the day again, just to "check in." It's not my cup of tea, because he never has anything to share so either I have to "invent" something to talk about or we sit in silence. It's just weird for me. So even though I had asked him to stop, he started doing it again because it's something he likes. So when I change my behavior and give him something positive, he responds by "taking" more. It has always been this way and radar is up to prevent it from happening again. This is my difficulty with "being the change I want to see in my M." It only seems to go one way.
On a positive note, I'm really doing quite well emotionally. I'm still personally recharged, though my enthusiasm (hope) for my M has waned some. I'm at a complete loss on how to engage with my H in a healthy way, even at a fairly superficial level. It's frustrating for me, too, because I'm certain that an outsider looking in could probably see everything clearly, but from my POV, it's a big mystery.
