The crack in my separated life...

[Sweetbriar]

I KNOW I need to stop thinking about what H is doing. I KNOW IT, KNOW IT, KNOW IT....but even when I go days and days doing well there is always that day that I fall back into the what ifs and the whys.

I am staying very busy with my life. My girls keep me very busy, and I have tons of friends that I see daily and hang out with on weekends and even some evenings. I go to church, I hang out at the neighborhood parties (every other weekend), the bonfires, the kids and I see movies and shop and yes, I did finish painting D's room and it looks great. But still, after staying that busy, it just takes one thing or thought to bring me back to the reality of my H not ever coming home again. It just hits and when it does, it hits me hard:(

From all the reading, (books and posts) and all the advice from friends and family, I know the right path to take. I have done very well with no contact and just let him go. I have next to NO contact with him, unless it involves the girls, which even that contact is rare because they are older and can communicate with him by themselves. I dont text him, email him or chase him anymore and still, nothing has changed. In fact, he has gotten even more distant. He wont even step foot in the door when he picks up kids and hands them a check for them to give me for money. Its so strange.

I do want to fix him...of course I do. He is my H, he was my best friend and I hate that he is sad and lost. But, on the other hand, he wants OW to pick him up and make him feel good...not me. So I DO have to let him go and I feel like I have a lot more than when he first left. And I am better than I was 3 months ago when he left...but I think that deep down inside, I thought he was going to wake up and realize what he has done and because he hasnt, I get sad. This is now really REAL.

I have done some great things for myself in these past 3 months and most of the time I do feel great...but whether its the holidays approaching or the cold, gloomy weather, or the belly growing:) something has just triggered a sadness in the past 2 days.

I have to stop asking myself the whys. When I get sad, I think about how real this all is and just CANNOT wrap my brain around it. I just cannot, for the life of me, understand how this loving, family man has turned his back on me and our family:( I hate this life that I lead now..and that makes me sad that Im not the same person, because he isnt the same person.

I really, truely think that being pregnant is making this whole process even harder on me. Its really hard to not think back how it was when I was pregnant with my girls and how much he loved me and how involved he was. The reality of him not being here during this is unreal and that fact that he has said in the past that he is "sorry this happened while you are pregnant". He isnt sorry about anything...he keeps making things worse and worse.

I also think Im upset that he never asks about anything. I dont ask either, but my girls tell without me asking. THey come home an tell me that dad did this, or dad said that. The other night, D14 said to me..."ya know, dad never asks us about anything we are doing" and I then I asked if he ever asks about us, (the girls and I) or me or the baby and what is happening at home and she said NO. I really dont expect him to ask about me...he doesnt care anymore...but how can he NOT be curious? Curious about the daily life of the kids and I. Curious about our plans and what we are doing for holidays or planning the baby room or ANYTHING???

He really doesnt care..he really only cares about him and OW. And that kills me...because just months ago, we were his life. Its so weird how you can fall out of love and move on so fast.

Our 15 year anniversary is next week...and I have no expectations. I have no plans or desires to bring it to Hs attention. It is also my best friends birthday that day, so she said I can hang out with her family because Wed are the nights my girls go with H..so not only will it be our anniversary, but he will be taking the girls out to dinner and not including me....just sad to think of what could've been.

Now that I have journaled, maybe I will feel better and start my weekend off better. I just had a sad day today and lots of unwanted thoughts popped up in my head throughout the day.

I think Im pretty wonderful. Im an amazing mom, I am an amazing teacher, friend and person. I make people smile and laugh. I am struggling, but still can wear a smile. I think that he was a fool to leave me and our family...and maybe, just maybe..one day he will see all that he lost...because Im pretty darn special. I hope that he still thinks of me sometimes....we sure did have a great thing.

I have a party to be at tomorrow night, for the best friend. This was something we loved to do as a couple...hang out, have a drink, sing karokee, etc. They live across the street and her H was my Hs bestfriend. I will not lie that it wont be hard to be there with ALL of our friends..everyone we know will be there tomorrow. It will be lots of laughs and good times but no matter what and how much fun I have, there will always be a part of me that misses him...and wonders how much fun he would be having it he were there...I guess that takes a long time to go away:( H doesnt have to face any of that because he doesnt see these friends anymore and he has a new life...but I will be darned if I give up any one of these amazing people who have stood by me and my girls like family. Another one of the wonderful things he gave up to be with OW and on his own....

Sorry for my long rant and ramble..I just needed to get some stuff off my chest! Im not going to go back and read this all before I post, so if its all crazy and mixed up from one thing to the next..SORRY:)

Off to be a mom tonight...drop off here, pick up there and then drop off next D there and pick up here...I wouldnt change it for the world...Im so lucky that I have them and I can be a mom to the EVERY SINGLE DAY!