Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

A journaling update:

Since my "mini BD" on W about the holidays, she's been exceedingly nice to me. Not sure if that's the reason, but there's an obvious change in behavior. One night she was going to take D16 to get her nails done. I was at the gym when she got there but D16 decided to go shopping with friends instead. So W stayed with S9 and helped him get his homework done (a huge help to me) and hung around quite a while to chat after I got back. She also asked if there was anything else she could do to help. I think that's the first time I've heard that in months. And she was excited to show me some Jalapenos she had grown, she planted them in my yard (for me) before BD and forgot about them. I didn't even know they were there (I've got a lot of landscaping in back). She was so excited, even told D16 she wanted to show them to me. Interesting.

A side note- S9 pitches a fit when W tries to get him to do homework or brush his teeth or just about anything. He does not do that with me. I've always been the discipline in the house and W has given me tons of grief over it (about "yelling at the kids"). But you know what? When I ask them to do something, they do it and they do it without complaint. When W asks them they either don't do it or they pitch a huge fit about it. She has commented on this many times and acts perplexed by it. In my opinion it's because they know she will not discipline them for it but they know I will. Of course to W I'm the bad guy because I discipline them.

There is no such thing as a "soulmate" or and "only one", time and time again I see this proven right in front of me.

I agree, I think it's Jack that's fond of saying that "soulmate" is a bunch of crap Hollywood invented to sell movies. Steven Covey says love is a verb, it's a choice we make and I completely agree with him. Sure, puppy love may just "happen", but enduring love is something we have to choose to do and work at. "Soulmate" implies you can only truly love one person in your life and that's just bogus. You can CHOOSE to only love one person, but we all have the capacity to love whoever we want.

I will tell you now that even though she might be the ice queen right now my W is proof that anyone can thaw especially if we show a TRUE positive direction.

Thank you, that's definitely inspirational That's why I love this site, you're just not going to get this kind of hope and feedback anywhere else!

It is very motivating to see on here someone who is maintaining as well as you are.

Thank you, that's very nice of you! I do have my down days, but in general I feel really good about life and (thankfully) find myself thinking less and less about W as time goes on.

That's one thing that always makes me chuckle a bit though. You can think "wow, my sitch/spouse is completely nuts", but then you read a post on here and realize it's pretty common.

I read stuff on the MLC forum and think "wow, I'm really lucky I don't have to deal with that!" LOL! Some of those people are dealing with some truly evil aliens.

This is a challange. It's hard to make big decisions when what you think you want changes from day to day, week to week. It's what's got me in a bit of a halt right now.

Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the best action is no action. It's that feeling that we always have to be doing something and pushing forward that gets us in trouble in our sitches.

As a child of divorced parents (the S started when I was 13), I hated family times. I remember a few 'fake' family Christmases. They felt like a tease and really artificial and tense. I knew that my father wished my mother would take him back. I'd feel angry with my mother and really sad that they couldn't get their act together.

Great post Wendylon!! I too was a child of divorced parents involving a WAW and what you said really resonated with me although I have to admit I had forgotten those feelings. You are quite right, I remember feeling angry/ sad/ confused over those holidays and trying to figure out what was going on with my parents, and the false hope that maybe they were getting back together because they seemed so chummy at times. Definitely something to consider.

This is something I'm torn on. H is living 2 hours away and I would like to have my children Christmas morning.

I would say do what's right for you and your kids and let H deal with his own sitch. If you don't want him there and he doesn't have some place to open presents with the kids, well that's his problem, not yours.