W filed, I think we can make it work - what to do?

[25yearsmlc]

gotta agree with Sandi here...as soon as you saw OM, even one from the past, who she had clearly worked through and chose to stay with you even if she's revising the past (they all do and so do we...so are you now, b/c you're hurt)

You say you've "had enough" and "can't forgive", although in truth you know, deep down, you played a role in her being in the arms of OM.

This is your wounded ego talking...and deciding important issues that will have generational affects. Your children AND THEIRS, will suffer for this. Instead you might be able to leave a legacy of committment, forgiveness and redemption.

Instead, you're "Done"...all because of something that isn't even happening NOW.


And one small but possible telling thing,

You are "now" doing 50% of the housework --but she's got a diagnosed illness that prevents her from doing much, and you said you feared sep b/c it'll wear her out. Well...

Why weren't you doing most of it before? Why only half NOW?

Anyhow, if your wounded pride is too much for you to cope with while admitting your pride has been a problem causer

and your temper is still an issue, ("obviously enraged" that she had COFFEE w/OM was not a typical response. My h would never have reacted that way even at his worst.

He'd assume I ran into a guy or was friends with or networking...he knows he's the better choice and I'd be a fool to choose OM so maybe it's his security---and it's attractive, btw ) then you have a lot of things to still work on...

Well you said enough to her for now, that's for sure. I wouldn't move out without FIRST talking to a L so you are protected and not accused of abandonment. And I would NOT bring up the relationship again. Your threats to tell the kids are not going to keep the road home, paved and smooth....but it sounds as if you want to be punitive...right?

It's not your job to teach her a lesson or "show her the consequences" of her behavior...as my DB coach said, "life/God does that for them, not us"...

I'm not saying to lie for her but you can protect your kids and your w. NO ONE NEED know of her past indiscretions. You want her to take your list of flaws, add some of her own about you and then read it to them?? Oh, why not?


In MY own journal I wrote many things in 2005 that I believed THEN...and do not now believe. Some things I sort of believed but was just venting. You cannot hold onto her venting in her private diary...AND nothing is written in stone. We change and so do our feelings.

this is exacly why one of the rules is NOT TO SNOOP!!! It hurt your cause.

You kept pushing her for R talk instead of welcoming her silence. When you pushed for a good answer, instead of letting her come around, you cornered her into a decision you did NOT want...hence us telling you to back off. Ultimatums rarely work and then we're stuck with following through on what we DID NOT want...

You need to DB for real and THEN assess...

fwiw, I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried a few years later. But they changed THEMSELVES and not with the idea of reconciling...but with the idea of GAL and being happier people...which they were. and then they were better partners. But yes it happens. I'm hoping you'll really DB and give her some space and take some yourself, I found being apart helped me not lose my temper so much. And that helped us keep some civility which lead to us being relaxed in short spurts at first...and then to build on those times.

Stick to your plan of working on your flaws only & without regard to HERS so that no matter what, YOU do not end up here again in your next r...learn from your mistakes, be the best man YOU can be...

become a man only a fool would leave. And once you KNOW you have done that, then leave the results up to God and be at peace.