Dealing with the reality of separation

[PeteWyo]

IC update: Went to see the IC last night. Learned that my W hasn't been there for quite a while and that they are going to start charging me the full amount again. (They were giving me a discount because we were going separately.) Disappointing a little bit, I thought maybe that would help my W clear her head. I'm not sure she will ever get over her confrontation issues without counseling and I do want that for her. Also my IC, who if you remember was also our MC early on, told me again that she agrees that everything that my W had issue with was very minor and very fixable but that the OM was clouding the picture and until he was out, there was no fixing it. She also said that she has seen similar situations in the past and it sounds like W is using all of these "issues" as excuses to rationalize being with OM. I don't know how this makes me feel. On one hand I feel better to know that I am not crazy, but even more frustrated to hear a licensed professional tell me that everything was not as bad as W said it was! Ugh, I am actually not dwelling on it, just need to vent that that is what this board is for for me! Glad it is Friday, going to hang out with some friends tonight and go to a Jazz bar, sounds fun and I am actually looking forward to it instead of worrying about being in a social situation. That feels great!

[PeteWyo]

Ok, so just got a text from the W. She says:

"Hi, hope your week is going well:) How is (cat) doing? I'm wondering if we could talk sometime soon? Or would you prefer to continue to communicate electronically?"

I got excited for a minute, but then I thought that she is just going to tell me that we need to figure out how to finalize the divorce. Now I am super nervous about talking to her. I haven't heard her voice since September! How do I play this?!???!

[Grateful]

Ok, so just got a text from the W. She says:

"Hi, hope your week is going well:) How is (cat) doing? I'm wondering if we could talk sometime soon? Or would you prefer to continue to communicate electronically?"

I got excited for a minute, but then I thought that she is just going to tell me that we need to figure out how to finalize the divorce. Now I am super nervous about talking to her. I haven't heard her voice since September! How do I play this?!???!

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I wouldn't avoid it if I were you. Either way, it is something that you are going to have to face.

[PeteWyo]

I wouldn't avoid it if I were you. Either way, it is something that you are going to have to face.

I don't plan on avoiding it. I just don't know how to approach the situation, or what to say, or how to act. I mean, I will figure it out I'm sure. I just need to be happy and upbeat either way, probably a little vague. I just feel that I would probably get into a long conversation about everything that I have been doing to better myself and I don't think that is what I am supposed to be doing. Should I just talk to her as if nothing was wrong and not talk about the elephant in the room if she doesn't bring it up, or should I just be cordial and make it a short conversation, and very matter of fact? I guess I just want to know what my general demeanor should be.

[PeteWyo]

I guess, more importantly, what shouldn't I say or do. I have just been out of verbal contact with her for so long and have had time to think about how to reply to her texts that I am afraid I will do or say something wrong and I want to be as prepared as I can, ya know?

[sandi2]

Then hear what she has to say but you shouldn't be obligated to make any decisions or to reply to what she says. When she's finished, tell her you will take what she's said with careful consideration but you had rather not reply at the moment.

She will probably think you are trying to buy more time. So, if you do know your decision regarding whatever she talks about, then give her a calm response right then instead of waiting till later. The point is....don't fear her reaction to what you say (or don't say). Don't allow her emotions to dictate what your answer/response will be. After all, if everyone agreed on everything.....there wouldn't be a need for this board.

[Denver_2010]

Then hear what she has to say but you shouldn't be obligated to make any decisions or to reply to what she says. When she's finished, tell her you will take what she's said with careful consideration but you had rather not reply at the moment.

She will probably think you are trying to buy more time. So, if you do know your decision regarding whatever she talks about, then give her a calm response right then instead of waiting till later. The point is....don't fear her reaction to what you say (or don't say). Don't allow her emotions to dictate what your answer/response will be. After all, if everyone agreed on everything.....there wouldn't be a need for this board

Agreed.

I would agree to the conversation. You should be prepared to listen WAY more than you actually talk. Validate her feelings on whatever the topic ends up being. And, like Sandi said, be prepared to tell her "I don't know. Let me think about that and get back to you" on anything that you truly are not ready to provide an answer on. Polite, kind, non-argumentative, doing well by yourself... that should be your demeanor.

listen, listen, listen... and when sick to death of listening, listen some more.

Lastly... be prepared to hear the worst. You need to maintain control of your emotions regardless of what she says to you.

[PeteWyo]

Ok, sounds good. Thanks guys. I wish there were a way for me to go to Aruba for a year and come back and have whatever life I am supposed to lead waiting for me. I am usually so confident about everything in my life, well most things. This while thing has made me second guess everything that I am doing. I hate that. Just need to continue to tell myself that I don't have any control over anything but myself!

[PeteWyo]

So I went out golfing Friday and missed W's call. It was really nice to hear her voice even over voice mail. I text her that I was golfing and that is why I missed her call. Nothing back. I went out with friends tonight and heard more about how I was painted out to be a monster and how OM's fiancee was a monster too. Remember we were all friends and the two of them got together. And all of my friends keep telling me that they always believed W and OM and never gave us a fair shake, and now that they know us, it all makes more sense. This is very bittersweet to me. I don't care about he said she said BS. I feel like they are trying to be on my side and I don't care about that. I care more about the fact that my W told everyone but me that she was unhappy. Everyone is so confused because she would tell them how awful everything was and then we would be kissing and holding hands when they saw us. That is because I thought everything was good! I had no reason to believe otherwise! There is a lot more I found out but I am still processing it at this point. My whole marriage was a lie at this point. She never told me any of this, not even when she told me she wanted a divorce. She still never told me why, and that doesn't sit right with me. Why am I finding out about this from our friends 3 months after she left me? I am so confused...

[PeteWyo]

So something else occurred to me. What if W is just calling to shoot the breeze and catch up? This whole time she said she wanted to be friends. She even has told people that she didn't understand why I couldn't be friends with her and OM, which is delusional. I don't want to have her cake eating here.