Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[someguy1233]

From what I see from reading this thread you need to GAL man. You are exactly where I am. Worrying about rings, phones flipped over, trying to control her, worried one night she touch you the next night she doesn't.

You need to start making plans. You need to learn to meditate or do something to get the stress out. At night you need to read books and detach. Spend time with your son. I am no expert but I've had a ton of expert advice.

reading your post gave me instant anxiety and made me realize why LA stopped reading my posts.

If you are truly detached you will not worry about phone being flipped over (I KNOW IT [censored] CUZ MY W DOES THIS), rings on, etc..

Thanks for stopping by, PowerOfNow. I've been following your thread closely as well.

I don't mean to come across as being filled with anxiety. For the most part I'm actually very calm. I have a bad day every once in a while, but for the most part I'm pretty even. I don't try to control W. I don't obsess about her upside down phone, rings, etc. I just note their existence and move on.

Mr. B told me my anxiety is self inflicted. It is. GAL is only fix man. If you can't get out of house I suggest doing something away from her. Working out, movies, get a hobby, do something and take focus off wife.

Just in the last 2 days this has helped me 3 fold.

When my W txt me now I reply in away where I dont EXPECT an answer. I am short,cheerful, and precise.

Good luck man.

I do what I can to GAL. I started reading again. I pulled out my guitar that I haven't played in years. I hang out with friends and family. It is tough with our work schedules and S. Often times W still asks me to join her in watching TV in the evenings.

I've also ramped up my communication. I was giving brief/cheerful responses. W pointed out that I barely talk with her anymore and I was being "cold." I'm working on finding that fine line between distancing and appearing as if I don't care.

[ThisDayForward]

That is great SG. I know you are on my thread and the mutual support is great. Me and my W are in separate bedrooms and it kills me. It actually kills me to hear my kids say "moms room, dad's room" So at least you guys are in the same bed!

You are doing very good. I also play guitar. It is a nice escape.
I also struggle with communication. You want to pull away but not be an azz. Whenever my W txt me I try to be upbeat. I try not to txt her though unless it really is relevant. In the past I was making up reasons to txt her. Not healthy.

Detaching is difficult. Detaching in love is very difficult. GAL really really helps. I'm going to continue to do more GAL. I've ordered a book that Advina suggested on communication. I'm reading "the new codepency now"

Maybe find someone to jam with? I thought about busting my acoustic out again and starting a local open mic somewhere.

Just stay busy

[someguy1233]

W went out for a happy hour again after work. She came home as S and I were finishing dinner.

We played with him and put him to bed. She left to go to a bar again.

She was distant and barely talking to me. She played cheerfully with S but didn't talk directly to me at all. She'd barely even looked at me.

After S went to bed we talked for about 15 minutes before she left. She had a horrible day at work. She said it felt like everyone is ignoring her. She again complained about her two-faced coworkers. She said she actually stood up for herself to one of them for talking about her behind her back. She proudly said, "this is the new me!" I was really surprised. She usually tries to keep peace with coworkers/friends and lets things slide.

She said she asked one of her coworker friends to happy hour because of her bad day... It hurt because she used to want to spend time with me when she had a rough day.

For me and GAL:
I started listening to an audio book of How to Win Friends and Influence People I the Digital Age. I haven't learned anything yet that can be used in my relationship with my wife in its current status. However, I'm already picking up on its values for relationships with friends and coworkers. Especially as I'm trying to move up within my career as a Project Manager.

[someguy1233]

Today W is wearing her rings again.  I just took advantage of the nice weather and got the Christmas lights put on the house. We went grocery shopping earlier. W was friendly. It was a good time. She kissed me on the cheek and one point when I was being silly.

Just had a chat with W... She brought it up.  She said she feels like she's just swimming in thick water. She has no pull in any direction towards anything. 

She said she doesn't have a pull to quit her job and find another high paying job.  She wants to quit, but doesn't feel like doing anything. 

She also said she has no pull to get a divorce. No pull to move out of the house. She said we have a lot of good/fun days, but it doesn't pull her any close to us. 

She said she feels like she's just floating. She asked I I thought if it was depression. I said it could be. She then said she also has no pull to go see someone about it. 

She asked if I ever thought about dating other people. I said no. She said, "I wouldn't blame you if you did. This has to be hard for you... I mean with me not having sex with you. You can be honest with me if you've thought about it."

[leopoldstotch]

SG it sounds like your W is doing a temperature check on where you are at. Now I'm no expert but from reading other stories it could be possible that if she felt she was going to lose you it could really make her realize that its not something she wants of course it could go the other way. It also sounds like she is happy with the status quo. I'm not totally convinced that she isn't getting pull from the OM. Then again you really dont know the sitch with him.

Play your cards right and I think you can draw her back to you but you must be strong and confident around her. I have a feeling that one day you may get tired of living in limbo and when you are truly ready to move on and she knows that you that she would have a change of heart. Of course I hope it doesn't get that far for the two of you but sometimes thats what it takes.

[someguy1233]

Thanks as always, Leo. I appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

I tried to GAL this afternoon and get a massage. It's not something I normally do, but I can feel the tension throughout my entire body. I figured it would be worth a shot to see if it helps. Unfortunately, the place was booked. I spent some time just sitting in the car in the parking lot looking at funny pictures online. W was watching S and it was a needed break for me.

Unfortunately her comments earlier have been ringing through my head all evening. I'm laying in bed now with her next to me sleeping. She held my hand for a minute before rolling over.

I've been thinking more about detachment and GAL. I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I don't spend time around her, I can't show her the strong person I am. We have so little downtime together after S goes to bed that I don't want to leave the house... I want to be around her since we seem to be getting along prettry well.
It's also hard because she seems to go out about every other night. That means we don't have any real time together for 4 or 5 days.

I'm also afraid that detaching could go to far and that I'd stop loving her.... But I guess that's the risk.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[labug]

Today W is wearing her rings again.  I just took advantage of the nice weather and got the Christmas lights put on the house. We went grocery shopping earlier. W was friendly. It was a good time. She kissed me on the cheek and one point when I was being silly.

Just had a chat with W... She brought it up.  She said she feels like she's just swimming in thick water. She has no pull in any direction towards anything. 

She said she doesn't have a pull to quit her job and find another high paying job.  She wants to quit, but doesn't feel like doing anything. 

She also said she has no pull to get a divorce. No pull to move out of the house. She said we have a lot of good/fun days, but it doesn't pull her any close to us. 

She said she feels like she's just floating. She asked I I thought if it was depression. I said it could be. She then said she also has no pull to go see someone about it. 

She asked if I ever thought about dating other people. I said no. She said, "I wouldn't blame you if you did. This has to be hard for you... I mean with me not having sex with you. You can be honest with me if you've thought about it."

If she's really feeling no pull-be her gravity.

How did you answer the question about dating other people?

[labug]

How often are you going to Happy Hours?

And if HH is not your thing, go out and do something with friends, on your own. She doesn't have to know what it is. Maybe you could set up a schedule, W you go out Tues and I go on Th.

You're sounding a little like the long-suffering husband sitting home with the baby. Change that up, go out, have a good time, stay out past 10:30. I know you said you always went to bed at a certain time and maybe that's what's driving her crazy-maybe she feels like you've turned into an old married couple. You two are just entering the prime of your lives, don't waste it.

[someguy1233]

Today W is wearing her rings again.  I just took advantage of the nice weather and got the Christmas lights put on the house. We went grocery shopping earlier. W was friendly. It was a good time. She kissed me on the cheek and one point when I was being silly.

Just had a chat with W... She brought it up.  She said she feels like she's just swimming in thick water. She has no pull in any direction towards anything. 

She said she doesn't have a pull to quit her job and find another high paying job.  She wants to quit, but doesn't feel like doing anything. 

She also said she has no pull to get a divorce. No pull to move out of the house. She said we have a lot of good/fun days, but it doesn't pull her any close to us. 

She said she feels like she's just floating. She asked I I thought if it was depression. I said it could be. She then said she also has no pull to go see someone about it. 

She asked if I ever thought about dating other people. I said no. She said, "I wouldn't blame you if you did. This has to be hard for you... I mean with me not having sex with you. You can be honest with me if you've thought about it."

If she's really feeling no pull-be her gravity.

How did you answer the question about dating other people?

I guess I try to be her gravity by continuing to DB and be a strong person?

I simply told her I hadn't thought about dating others.

One other thing- she tried to apologize for saying the "good days" don't pull her closer. She said that was a hurtful thing to say and she was sorry. I told her, "you have nothing to be sorry for. You were honest and I appreciate that. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything." she nodded and smiled.

[someguy1233]

How often are you going to Happy Hours?

And if HH is not your thing, go out and do something with friends, on your own. She doesn't have to know what it is. Maybe you could set up a schedule, W you go out Tues and I go on Th.

You're sounding a little like the long-suffering husband sitting home with the baby. Change that up, go out, have a good time, stay out past 10:30. I know you said you always went to bed at a certain time and maybe that's what's driving her crazy-maybe she feels like you've turned into an old married couple. You two are just entering the prime of your lives, don't waste it.

I do need to get out more. I probably go out once per week. It's just so hard to do. I don't like missing out on sleep these days. It makes the next day full of anxiety and depression.

Our life wasn't so much like and old couple... But definitely like a younger couple with a new baby!! Suddenly things become much more scheduled and less spontaneous when a little kiddo is in the picture.