Yes, I considered Morehead. May still yet. Right now though I think I am going to do an LPN exit course and sit for my boards so I can get to working right away and complete my RN online. For my current situation it would be the best thing for me I think. I also pretty much had a nurse manager tell me on Tues that if I do that to let her know and I have a job at her facility.
My problem with the time frame/custody is that we actually do have lives. You know what I mean? It's not really to be a pain just to have courtesy. His calling S14 is in my opinion just his way of intentionally not doing what he knows I would prefer. Yet at the same time he is - just in a round about way. Passive aggressive.
The only consequence I was thinking of is we not being here. More inadvertent than intentional. With the exception of possibly my plans tonight. Literally, it actually happens a lot that we are gone or just some of us are here. Perfect example. Last weekend - The youngest D's and I had gone to library, S14 was going to his GF, and D12 was gone at her friends. So it wasn't like we weren't here to be vindictive. We just had made other plans.
As far as being gone when he gets here, you know he may not even show. I don't think really he would bring papers for me to sign. That would be too hurtful and in some ways he has tried to be protective of my feelings. I'm not sure why that is really. Seems like the vindictive nasty stuff is being rooted from her. Maybe that is just my perception. However, I remember back when all this started and he came to me and said I want to tell you what is going on so you do not make up things in your head and are even more hurt. He knows and we have talked that for me at least - I have these ideas of how things are and that is what gets me so upset. Often the reality is not anything like what I have imagined.
I really am starting to feel in some ways the way I have acted, not DB principles has pushed him further and faster with her than he ever intended. Maybe I am wrong though. I just keep thinking in regards to that - she is an ex for a reason. Many changes have happened in 18 years and the man she idolized and romanticized all that time is very different from the man he is now. Seriously- just living- for anyone much less all we have gone through. 18 years of babies, life, illnesses, deaths, you know what I mean? So perhaps this is a blessing in disguise and we will never ever be back here. Perhaps it is my future. My life. I dunno.
I told him before and I do mean this- If you have to work through your feelings then work through them. I may be here I may not when you are done.
So today is my anniversary. I am melancholy. I think he is coming over to test things see how I am doing. It seems a little unusual that we haven't seen much out of him for 6 weeks now and he is suddenly going to be here two days in a row. Also, suddenly he is calling kids again. Maybe it is the talk we had the other night. Still, I would think he wants to stay away on our anniversary. Perhaps he doesn't recall but at the same time I mentioned it last Sat to him.
S14 was talking last night about how the things H took with him are so odd and things that you think would matter were left. I just think it is more evidence that he is not thinking clearly.
So nothing has changed really. I have anxiety worrying about this evening. I shouldn't have though. I know this. More evidence that detachment is lacking. I will consider it a good night though if he shows up and I can at least appear detached and non angry or upset. For me, that will be a success.
Literally, it actually happens a lot that we are gone or just some of us are here. Perfect example. Last weekend - The youngest D's and I had gone to library, S14 was going to his GF, and D12 was gone at her friends. So it wasn't like we weren't here to be vindictive. We just had made other plans.
I agree with CV as well. An intermediate so to speak will hopefully keep him on best behaviour and you able to treat him as a stranger..which seems like a strange thing to say,, but I often notice myself that strangers get a polite detached me!
Well will wonders never cease. H texted me instead. Wanted account numbers and log ins. Also wanted to set up time to see the girls on Sat.
I just called him. Rather than send all of that over text. We discussed his loans and when they had last been paid. Basically he is mad they hadn't been paid for two months but I paid them both the 2nd of oct. He is the one that has had them cycle twice since then and not paid them. lol Natural consequences, right? This is a bit out of order as to how it happened. As we were going through he was like so that is ANOTHER $100 out of my account or something similar. I said yes, it is. Oh alright he says kinda huffy. He is finally getting a real appreciation for how much he spends. This is not how I envisioned it but it's a very good thing. Scary for him I have already done his budget and frankly she will be supporting him. He barely has enough money left to eat and that doesn't account for any of her bills.
So we went through everything. I was cool as a cucumber. He stayed that way too. Although he sounds depressed. Subdued might be a better word. I did ask are you okay? for that reason. He then started with the you never think I am okay bit. I just validated and told him I was sorry if I had made him feel that way that, that wasn't how I felt.
At one point when we were talking about him coming to see the girls I said where did you want to do that? Here, your house, or your dads. He said I didnt think I could bring them here. I said well I guess you can but I'm not sure the outcome will be what you are hoping it is. So then he says, get this, he will come see them either at his dads or here. So he has been fighting about them going over there all this time and really he knows it's not best for them either. It is just something to "NOT give me control over" How dumb.
So he asked if he could come around 10-11 in the morning I said that was fine that I was going out tonight and his dad and stepmother was keeping the kids. He said Oh. They're keeping them? I just said yes. I don't want to spend our anniversary here looking at the walls. Rather go out with friends. He got quiet.
Then later he asked me about our taxes. I said I don't know how do you want to do them? He wants an even split. I said I don't really think that is fair. He said why not? Because I have all the work and all the kids. You do not. I then said I had pretty much decided for the time being I wanted to stay here and likely would use any refund to do work on the house. I made the comment that this is my house. And for all practical purposes it is and has been for almost 11 years now. Not to sound nuts but I think even he has thought of it as my house for a long time. Just because he had left and then worked on the road for so long. This is where our kids grew up and my home.
So he said well you want to split everything else down the middle why not the taxes. I finally said well honestly, I was afraid you would go file for divorce and I am not really ready for that. He laughed at me then not a real laugh like a nasty hateful laugh. I shouldn't have said that. However, part of me thinks that if that is how I feel that I should say it. No animosity or anger just say it. I really think most of our issues are communication breakdown. So in light of that I should be honest and not try to hide or "stuff" any of that. I didn't put it rudely or anything. I said I didn't know how soon you wanted to do that. Then he said well I don't have the money to file now. I said I know and neither do I. You know how I feel about it too. I don't think it is best for ANY of us. He never responds when I say something like that.
I then got another text asking for the log ins to our cell phone account. I gave them to him. I called back real quick and told him please do not cut off my phone. It is paid through the 6th of next month. I will switch it or give you the money. He said he wouldn't. Funny thing is this. He told me and the kids he has internet there. However, when I asked if he had email so I could just forward all this he told me not yet. So I am thinking maybe it is in her name? Not sure. If that is the case then everything is being put into her name which suits me just fine. However, as I said I gave him all of that information but I don't think he used any of it. He was asking me for phone numbers so my best guess is he can't afford any of it and will have to make arrangements.
He even started on our car insurance. I told him how much it was and when it was due. His motorcycle is a separate policy which I just pay annually and all of that. He then starts on splitting the insurance policy up and getting it separate. I said you know we get a bunch of discounts it is really best for the time being if we keep it that way. After I rattled off the discounts he agreed. I did tell him I would split some of that cost with him. I think it is broken down by driver and vehicle and that is fair.
So anyway I stayed nice and calm even cordial. No reason not to. Besides if I don't that flies directly in the face of what I want to do. Really. I think I do want to remain married. I came to some conclusions yesterday. I don't want the same marriage or R but I want to try again.
Now I have to just follow through. Work on me not get wrapped up in what he is doing and wait and see. If he does choose to file there is nothing I can do about it and I won't fight it.
Any thoughts? What do you guys think about my D comments? Did I completely screw up? Or just a little? I don't intend to discuss it again. Just leave that ball right in his court. If I do discuss it again it will be because I am ready to move on or make a move.
Been thinking about this more. Honestly, even if he had the money I don't believe he would file yet. I could wrong but I think that is a good thing. I noticed up until she was there are the time too he was still making references to coming back. So that makes me think it isn't all the in love he would like me to think he is. We shall see. Other thing is every single person that has known them from when they were previously together has made negative comments. I do not know exactly what transpired since I lived in another state but apparently the consensus is that it was not a good relationship and no one understands why he would go back. So that may be for my benefit when they make comments but it has been a general theme. So I am going to hope that enough time with her will jog his memory. Meanwhile, I will be over here being an even better me.
Your convos with your H sound good. Keep it up. As for your comment about the undesirability of a D, I would just make sure that you stay away from the topic from now on.
Make sure you seem like the better choice by staying calm and applying DB principles to the letter. It sounds as if he was a bit thrown by the fact that you had plans for the evening. Keep that up.
You're on a good path. Keep going.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
My plans fell through. :-( Friends daughter got sick. I'm not fretting it though. Kids and I are hanging out. It's all good. I am strangely calm. :-) I think you are right. I am going to DB like no tomorrow. Then reassess after the first of the year.
Holy smokes- anxiety has seized me like a ton of bricks. Seriously. I got so anxious that I then checked all the accounts to see if anything had been paid or changed. Nope. Nothing. I shouldn't have even looked. Why would he contact me and want all that info though if he wasn't going to do anything? That makes no sense. He makes no sense. I need to take one of my pills I guess. Had a good night and day actually. Now I am obsessing over him. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I AM on a pretty good path. I need to shut down the negativity in my head. I'm not saying to not be realistic. I am just saying to not build it up in my head. I am going to go try to go to bed. I hope everyone is doing better than I am at this moment. I also think I probably need to start a new thread. That was random. I also had coffee late tonight. Obviously that wasn't my best idea ever.
Caffeine can increase anxiety and even lead to panic attacks.
The first thing I did after BD was cut back to one cup of coffee and only non caffeinated sodas. The one cup is just so I don't get a headache in the morning.
This is in addition to the obvious problems it can cause related to sleep. I find sleep is too valuable these days so I'm not risking messing with it!
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I don't know if it could help for you, but I can sometimes successfully deal with that kind of anxiety by examining "what's the worst that could happen" and try to see that either that's out of my control or it's not that bad, or at least it's not any worse than what I'm already dealing with. That last one has gotten me through a lot of the little insults of becoming D'd. In the ocean of My Husband is Leaving Me, one night out or one nasty remark is not worth getting into a spin over. And I'm getting through My Husband is Leaving Me fairly intact so I know I'll be ok.
I hope this or something helps. Surrendering to anxiety seems to be so counterproductive to any of your goals.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
