Very sad to be here but H says he is leaving

[brokenheart71]

Dawnmarie - made my day to hear that I helped someone!
Biting my tongue right now, H texted and left Voicemail this morning about plans with Ds tonight (to celebrate his birthday) but mentioned how he went for a run with the running club from his apartment. I know I should be glad that he is exercising and hope that it makes him feel better about himself and become more healthy both mentally and physically. But the first thought to pop in my mind it that "great - now you are going to take care of yourself and when you are feeling better you will say "see my life is so much better without her!"" And I really wanted to say something like "I have asked you to go on runs with me or work out with me many times and you never would" In fact, I was barely a mile away from him working out by myself. But I was I able to just stay pleasant but not excited. Now on to the rest of the day!

Brokenhesrt71
Me 40 (for a few more weeks)
H 40 (for one more day)
M 18 years
Ds 12 and 8
BD #1 12/09
R 2/10
ILYBINILWY Sept/12
He moved out Oct/12

[nero]

hi - you sou nd so wise with the bit about if he chooses to make it a good marriage so be it- you cannot force it.

i tell myself that over and over. i lose heart- i read someone say it again- i believe - i want to believe - i try harder - for another day. good luck to you- it's great that you can put your kids first - it's admirable.

hope h sees your worth- hope they all see all of our's worth-

you're right, it's the ONLY reason to make it work or stay.

[AJM]

Broken, you have a very wise perspective. Write that down somewhere - if chooses to not have a R with you on his own, then you deserve a better relationship without him. That perspective is very important and very wise. You cannot coerce him or guilt him - that wouldn't work long term.

For the record, a decent working relationship with H would help the kids. But that's not in your control - so don't beat yourself up about how to do it. Just be open to it in whatever form it comes. It won't likely be a way you recognize due to the past behavior. But instead keep your focus on what's best for the kids. You won't regret that!

Be kind to yourself. Your emotions will go all over the place - if they didn't, then you didn't likely care anyway Just be ready for that and keep the above in your thoughts when those moments come. Until then, keep the door open and do YOUR best to be the best you. You won't regret that either

Peace,
AJ

[brokenheart71]

Made it through his birthday and Thanksgiving. H has actually been very pleasant to me the last few times we communicated (both in person and through texts. At first I had a glimmer of hope that maybe he missed me but I'm not allowing myself to think that - don't want more of a let down later. Then I start thinking he is just relieved to be away from me and maybe seeing me not being a total mess without him has relieved his guilt. I know I really just need to try not to think about him at all and keep the focus on me and my kids. He is coming to get them this afternoon for overnight (oldest D still hasn't even been to his apt so I hope it goes ok for her). And he told me he spent yesterday at a friends house "there were a lot of people there-it was fun" although he didn't sound really excited. I am a little sad now, thinking "really, you would really rather hang out with people you barely know than spend Thanksgiving with you family?" Trying not to dwell on that, I think I will go for a run and then I'm going to a basketball game with a friend tonight. Somewhere in there I will find my PMA and hold on to it! I am sure the Holidays are hard for all of us - hoping everyone is getting through ok.

[brokenheart71]

Still cycling through lots of emotions (seems like it changes by the hour sometimes). H still pretty friendly. Gave me a high five after D's basketball game. I know it sounds pretty small (even lame) but there has been NO physical contact since he left and it was more of a sweet close high five not a crazy excited one. Now reading that I know it sounds a little desperate . But then he came to get kids on Friday, I was dressed to go out. He complimented me, said I looked nice. I went out, had fun, had a couple guys flirt with me. I can't lie, it was a nice ego boost. Spent Saturday with my family, my brother is a coach and his team played. H asked me to keep him updated, lots of texts back and forth, H excited for my brother. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this - just rambling. I guess I'm feeling a little lost. I wish there was something to "fix". But just thinki g how H has said he just doesn't love me. And I keep wondering what next year will look like. Will I look back to this year and think I was silly for holding out some hope for R? Will I look back and see this as the hard time I had to get through to get to a better place? Will I still be in a holding pattern with H? I know, I can't predict or control that so I need to let it go. I did have a good day with my kids, then a late call and emails from H has me feeling lonely at bedtime.
I'm going to go back and read through my posts and re-read all the support I e gotten from people here.

[brokenheart71]

Feeling better today. I reminded myself that my sadness is more about a lot dream (future). H really hasn't been a good H or father for a long time. I was always hoping/planning on a better future. It was always one more thing we needed to get through - him starting his business, getting the big client, replacing a key employee. And I had convinced myself that there was a better future waiting for me - and there is, it just might not be with him
I again see this period as something he and I have to go through. We couldn't continue on the path we were on. I hope I can be patient and wait to see what the future holds, while continuing to make myself the best me in order to embrace it.

[Sweetbriar]

Broken...I do not know your whole story..have to go back and read, but something you said in this post hit home with me...

"H really hasn't been a good H or father for a long time"

I think this a lot in my head. Im so wrapped up right now in getting him back and making things work because Im sad he is with OW and she has him. But sometimes, I sit and think about all that he didn't do and how we walked on eggshells a lot due to his depression and constant need for affirmantion (from both me and kids) and I think that maybe I just miss the idea of him and not really him.

Now, I do love him...yes, but as I look at myself more clearly and see my mistakes, I also see the tons of mistakes he made as a H that I was just willing to overlook.

I do think that my future will be better..with him or not. I am with you...trying to be patient and see what this future holds and trying my best to be the best ME and the best MOM I can be. I have 2 beautiful girls who depend on me and a baby boy on the way who will need every ounce of me!

Thinking of you...and plan on going back and reading your whole sitch later!

SB

[brokenheart71]

Sweetbriar,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this while pregnant! I can only imagine how much harder that makes it.
You are right - I think we miss the idea of our H more than we miss the person they have been lately. I miss the old H that I married 18 years ago and the H I thought he was going to be. And that can be bittersweet - in some ways it is easier but then sometimes (like over the holiday weekend) it makes me kind of angry. I put in the hard time, but will not get the "payoff"of the life I thought we were both working towards. I even wrote a letter to H (in a notebook of letters that I write but will never send - good stress relief) that said how angry I was that I went through the tough years with very little money and of him building his business. I did more than my share of work raising kids and taking care of our house. And now he will learn from the mistakes he made in our M and move on to someone else. He will treat her better and not expect her to shovel snow or clean up all the dog poop in the back yard (from the dog I didn't even want!). I know I made my share of mistakes (although he won't even tell me what he thinks they are - hes just"not in love with me") but at least I am willing to work on them and let him benefit from that.
I am glad you are determined to still be the best person and best mom you can be - I know you can do it! Hang in there. I wonder for both of us if the upcoming holidays will have any affect on these guys.

[brokenheart71]

Well, I had a better week (Thanksgiving kinda threw me for a curve) better at detaching still need to work on GAL and 180s - more about those later but here is my big question for today...
Still struggling with my kids relationship with H. He called earlier in the week in a bad mood saying he needs to spend more time with them and implying that I am letting them make too many decisions and should do more to get them to spend the night with him (older D has only stayed with him once, younger D 4 or 5 time). I calmly reminded him of all the things I had done to encourage them to spend time with him but said I would not "make" them stay the night. He did call the next day and apologized saying he was tired/frustrated and took it out on me. Fast Forward to last night. He took them to a Christmas light show, and intended for them to stay with him. I helped them pack their bags but they both said they didn't want to stay with him. I told them they needed to go and they could talk to him about staying. I was invited out with friends but declined because I was really tired (haven't slept well this week) and have a busy day today. I was asleep by 10:00 - but at 10:45 I get a call from H that D12 wants to come home (they hadn't gotten to his place yet). I said fine. They get here and both girls come into the house - he basically just said goodnight to them. About half an hour later I get a text from him saying "sorry we woke you up, D was having a meltdown so I thought it was best just to bring her home. Then younger D changed her mind too. Again I'm sorry, but I really need you support when they are suppossed to stay with me. I'm not saying you haven't been, but they will always have an out and older D will take it. I need to spend time with them for both me and them."
I'm not sure how to respond. I really do not want to "make" them go. Or tell them they can't come home if they want to. I'm afraid they would eel abandoned again (now by both parents). I do know it is good for them to spend time with him, but don't think forcing it will be helpful. I will suggest again that he spend more time with them without the pressure of staying the night - they could be together all day and evening but they could come back here to sleep. They really aren't used to spending a lot of time alone with him, and I think the idea of going to his new place just really bothers both of them but especially older D.
I would love some advice on both helping the kids adjust and responding to H.

[brokenheart71]

update/journaling
I have not responded to his text asking for my (more) support to have the girls stay with him more.
On Sat he did not show up to D's game - texted me that there was an emergency at his office (not sure if he is telling the truth but not going to worry about it). So I was annoyed (him saying he wants/needs to spend more time with them but not showing up to their activities) but then we (girls and I) were at a football game (my brother is the coach and it was a huge game) H texted me a couple times about the game before it started, then he found it on TV and proceeded to text me about 50 or 60 during the game (I replied about 10 times)all re the game.
Sunday afternoon he texts me "What are you guys up to this afternoon?" I respond within about 10 minutes, tell him what we had done during the day and that we were then watching NFL football (our home team) and ended with "how about you?" No response. He did call several hours later to tell the girls good night. Then even later he texted me about some bills, I told him my car needed brakes and tires. He said no problem.
Then this morning he called on our way to school, talked to the girls then wanted to talk to me again. He asked if I had some time to talk later this afternoon. I said yes. Hang up and my mind started racing. I literally started to feel sick to my stomach. My girls had told me that on Friday they had met a lady and her two sons at the Christmas light show. I have no idea if it was a "date" or business related or what. I had tried not to be thinking about it but all of a sudden this morning I started thinking that he wanted to talk because he was going to tell me that he was dating. I knew I would worry all day so after I dropped kids at school I called back and asked if we could either talk sooner or at least tell me what it was about. It ended up that it was that his company was laying off 3 people and he "didn't want me to hear it somewhere else". I was sympathetic, sorry that he had to do that. Then I also mentioned that I would still like to get a better grip on our financial sitch, that I didn't want to find out in a few months that we have been going into debt each month. He agreed and said that he knew that he stilled owed me that info (its complicated because his partnership agreement is changing right now, he should start making more money but the business had a bad few months and the other partners are kind of dragging their feet) but he would try to get it to me at the end of this week. And at the end he asked me how I am doing and sounded sincere. I answered that I am doing ok, probably could have sounded more sincere.
So really a whole lot of nothing has happened
I do realize that I am having trouble with "loving detachment". I think I either feel desperate to get him back or kind of angry and done with him. I am either loving or detached - but not both. I hope to work on finding that middle ground.