you're rite he does lie to himself- rewrite history- etc - BUT what if i'm wrong and it's not mlc - am i possibly deluding myself about who & what he is/was?
i saw myself in your one description of conversation with w- that he tells me something and in my zeal to need to "fix" it - or support him - and spin off into some "story" i'm thinking will help.
i listen okay - i do talk alot too tho. he has said a million times he picked me because he likes it (am i supposed to now be someone else? i'm waaaaay more silent - BUT) - now it's a problem (since he has a computer & cellphone life (ow)'s(a big part of our disconnect - his total computer addiction *(he even admits it)). he wears his ocd like a little badge of honor - it was me for 20 yrs, now not) wtf??????!!!
(. i think your insight about becoming interested in his interests is a good idea. . his anniliation of all trust- makes it difficult to want to even know him - much less woo him.
his loves: computer- cellphone - tennis -technology- - ow(s)???!!!
additionally- finding out about his affairs thru e-mails & cellphone - make it impossible(so far) for me to embrace them - they are part of "the enemy" to me - - -- his LIFE tho... last nite from bed i hear him talking(i thought to me brushign my teeth) - so i began to answer and realized he was talking to the computer so it could look something up-- - that says it all about our life-
it s_cks - even if you're self- sufficient & know who you are as a person & woman- there's something so crappola about being replaced by stupid machines(i'm not kidding) - laptops on the couch table, nitestand, kitchentable, his computer room- phone in car & kindle thing - ta da. he doesn't interact w/ me - just them.
& tennis- he's played since a child - very well . - his lives HAVE TO BE separate. he adores it (i never knew because he just stopped while he was working away) when i met - - - til he retired- then ka bam- lives for it, but i've never seen him play- don't know his tennis friends, am not welcome in that part of his life- it's soooo wierd i don't even know where to begin. i got "kicked out" of his life so suddenly & completely in favor of new compulsions - -
how does one even try to participate? it seems tooo huge to me- honestly i can't think how to begin to show interest . if it were all these things - but no ea - i'd say okay, doable with work. the whole ow thing puts such a insurmountable feeling slant to things. So "traded in" on so many levels -
it sounds shabby- i am not sure (what or if) I "want" (from or with) this man. true i'm here- (wtf is up with that). he is too - wtf again????
he does lie to himself- he is rewriting history - i can't bring myself to want to talk to him because his delusional goop is so absurd i don't know what the heck to respond to it. it's scary- he sounds crazy to me. he acts like it's all not there- we go about our day as "usual".
i think what you said applies to me - more angles to inspect and work on. I can work on being a more effective listeneer & communicator. & will - i'm no prize myself.
even if i'm not feeling the intense grief & pain- i still am stumped about how you get ow in some sort of place where it's not merely a judgement/discarding of me.?? it's personal- she gets the conversation & texts & so on- oh yeah , lets not forget affection, attention, sex & devotion. '
looking up that mountain side this morning and it looks mighty high - helloooooo up there - yo da lady-e-hoooooo.....
